SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Monday, April 7, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports-quotes.net

 Chess Quotes

Chess is a sea in which a gnat may drink and an elephant may bathe

- Indian Proverb

Of chess it has been said that life is not long enough for it, but that is the fault of life, not chess.

- Irving Chrenev

Chess is mental torture.

- Garry Kasparov

Chess is a curse upon man.

- H.G. Wells

A good player is always lucky.

- J.R. Capablanca

One bad move nullifies 40 good ones.

- Horowitz

The hardest game to win is a won game.

- Emmanuel Lasker

There just is'nt enough televised chess.

- David Letterman

Some part of a mistake is always correct.

- S. Tartakower

There are two types of sacrifices: correct ones and mine.

- M. Tal

You cannot play at chess if you are kind-hearted.

- French Proverb

It is always better to sacrifice your opponents men.

- S. Tartakower

When you see a good move -- wait -- look for another.

- Emmanuel Lasker

The blunders are all there on the board, waiting to be made.

- S. Tartakower

I think it's almost definite that the game is drawn theoretically.

- R.J. Fischer

A knowledge of tactics is the foundation of positional play.

- Richard Reti

Chess is 99% tactics.

- R. Teichmann

A good sacrifice is not one that is necessarily sound, but leaves your opponent dazed and confused.

- R. Spielmann

Modern chess is too much concerned with things like pawn structures. Forget it -- checkmate ends the game.

- N. Short

A chess game is divided into three stages: the first, when you hope you have the advantage, the second when you believe you have the advantage and the third...when you know you are going to lose!

- S. Tartakower

The winner of the game is the one who makes the next to the last mistake.

- S.Tartakower

During a chess competition a chessmaster should be the combination of a beast of prey and a monk.

- A Alekhine

 




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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: twainquotes.com

 
 

FISHING

 
Sam goin' fishin'
 

You see, in our house there was a sort of family prejudice against going fishing if you hadn't permission. But it would frequently be bad judgment to ask. So I went fishing secretly, as it were--way up the Mississippi.
- Speech, March 7, 1906

Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
- More Maxims of Mark, Johnson, 1927





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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: twainquotes.com

BILLIARDS QUOTES
Mark Twain offers quotes on the game of billiards



The game of billiards has destroyed my naturally sweet disposition.
- Speech, April 24, 1906



Twain and Louise Paine.
The billiard table, as a Sabbath-breaker can beat any coal-breaker in Pennsylvania and give it 30 in the game.
- Letter to Emilie Rogers, November 1906.
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I wonder why a man should prefer a good billiard-table to a poor one; and why he should prefer straight cues to crooked ones; and why he should prefer round balls to chipped ones; and why he should prefer a level table to one that slants; and why he should prefer responsive cushions to the dull and unresponsive kind. I wonder at these things, because when we examine the matter we find that the essentials involved in billiards are as competently and exhaustively furnished by a bad billiard outfit as they are by the best one. One of the essentials is amusement. Very well, if there is any more amusement to be gotten out of the one outfit than out of the other, the facts are in favor of the bad outfit. The bad outfit will always furnish thirty per cent. more fun for the players and for the spectators than will the good outfit. Another essential of the game is that the outfit shall give the players full opportunity to exercise their best skill, and display it in a way to compel the admiration of the spectators. Very well, the bad outfit is nothing behind the good one in this regard. It is a difficult matter to estimate correctly the eccentricities of chipped balls and a slanting table, and make the right allowance for them and secure a count; the finest kind of skill is required to accomplish the satisfactory result. Another essential of the game is that it shall add to the interest of the game by furnishing opportunities to bet. Very well, in this regard no good outfit can claim any advantage over a bad one. I know, by experience, that a bad outfit is as valuable as the best one; that an outfit that couldn`t be sold at auction for seven dollars is just as valuable for all the essentials of the game as an outfit that is worth a thousand. ... Last winter, here in New York, I saw Hoppe and Schaefer and Sutton and the three or four other billiard champions of world-wide fame contend against each other, and certainly the art and science displayed were a wonder to see; yet I saw nothing there in the way of science and art that was more wonderful than shots which I had seen Texas Tom make on the wavy surface of that poor old wreck in the perishing saloon at Jackass Gulch forty years before.
- Mark Twain's Autobiography, Chapters from the North American Review, November 1907
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Editor's note:
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ENDORSEMENT:
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Twainquotes.com is a must resource for anyone seeking
an alphabetic index of Mark Twain quotes and ample
graphics of Twain and his era of commentary.
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I recommend it highly for anyone interested in knowing
more about one of America's greatest humorists,
Mark Twain.
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DISCLAIMER:
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I have not been compensated in any way for the above
endorsement.
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============

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: quotegarden.com

 
SKIING QUOTES 
 
Skiing is a dance, and the mountain always leads.  ~Author Unknown


Stretch pants - the garment that made skiing a spectator sport.  ~Author Unknown


There are really only three things to learn in skiing:  how to put on your skis, how to slide downhill, and how to walk along the hospital corridor.  ~Lord Mancroft, A Chinaman in the Bath, 1974


The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars' worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk.  ~P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners, 1984


Gotta use your brain, it's the most important part of your equipment.  ~Kevin Andrews and Warren Miller, Extreme Skiing


When it comes to skiing, there's a difference between what you think it's going to be like, what it's really like, and what you tell your friends it was like.  ~Author Unknown

Skiing is the only sport where you spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg.  ~Author Unknown


Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.  ~Dave Barry


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.  ~Steven Wright


Traverse: One of two ways to stop while skiing.  Tree: The other method.  ~Author Unknown


All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.  ~Author Unknown


Gravity is love and every turn is a leap of faith.  ~Author Unknown


Skiing:  the art of catching cold and going broke while rapidly heading nowhere at great personal risk.  ~Author Unknown


Snow: a form of precipitation that usually occurs three weeks  prior to and the morning of your departure from your ski vacation.  ~Author Unknown


Turn right, turn left, repeat as necessary.  ~Author Unknown


If you aren't crashing, you aren't skiing.  ~Author Unknown


Kids today, all they talk about is big air.  I say, stay on the mountain, that's where the action is.  If you want big air, pull my finger.  ~Smooth Johnson


Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.... I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.  ~Dave Barry


If you marry a skier, marry tall - they walk with their knees bent ten months out of the year.  ~Author Unknown


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.  ~Author Unknown



 




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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: hurdlesfirst.com

TRACK AND FIELD QUOTES
HURDLING

The quotes listed below come mainly from hurdlers, hurdle coaches, or people in the world of Track & Field. Most of them have to do with hurdling, competing, or coaching, although some are about life in general as well. Many come from profiles that appear in the "Profiles" section of this website. Sometimes a quick word of wisdom can serve as a good motivating tool or guide through a difficult time. I hope that some or all of the quotes below serve you well.
-Steve McGill

"When your timing is off, so is your stride. When your cadence is off, you're in deep trouble as a hurdler."
-Rodney Milburn, 1972 Olympic high hurdle champion

"I never really worried about those hurdles. They were just standing there, and I was always zooming past them just to get back on the ground again."
-Rodney Milburn

"I used to get so comfortable running the hurdles, I was just like a ballet dancer going out there and going through the routines."
-Rodney Milburn

"A good hurdler has to be completely familiar with everything that goes on so if something happens he can automatically make an adjustment."
-Rodney Milburn

"You must see yourself run the race over and over, time and time again. You must put yourself in critical positions and see how you would react in those positions before the race so when and if they do happen, the feedback is automatic."
-Rodney Milburn

"The art form is to become one with the hurdle, to make it your friend, and I embraced that process."
-Renaldo Nehemiah, 3-time world record breaker in 110m hurdles

"You're a dancer; don't strain, don't force it. Be one with the hurdle, let it happen, relax while running fast."
-Renaldo Nehemiah

"I became a teacher because I wanted to coach."
-Jean Poquette, Renaldo Nehemiah's high school coach

"Becoming a great coach is very much like becoming a great hurdler. It requires a lot of time, a lot of intense interest and a lot of energy."
-Jean Poquette

"Good coaches, good athletes, good people are open to new ideas and always trying to learn more, to reflect and improve upon the human condition."
-Joe Guty, high school teammate of Renaldo Nehemiah

"The key thing in the hurdles is that it's a development event. You might not do a damn thing one year, and then things just click. You really can't discount athletes who may not stand out immediately. It may take two or three years for an athlete to develop."
-Kevin Young, 1992 Olympic Gold Medalist in the 400m hurdles

"If you train athletes in the mechanics of the event, then you add the speed and stamina, everything will mesh."
-Kevin Young

"Everybody who runs the 400 hurdles should be able to alternate [lead legs]. You should be able to get to the hurdle and make up your mind. Bottom line is, you have to be prepared."
-Kevin Young

"The hurdles have taught me that if you work really, really hard at perfecting the little things in your life, the big picture will come together."
–John Shaffer, 400m hurdler for Marquette University

"How you go over hurdle one should be how you go over hurdle ten. You need the strength to accelerate, and to maintain form."
-Selim Nurudeen, 110m hurdler for Notre Dame

"When you envision yourself doing something, you'll be surprised at how much that helps you to actually do it."
-Selim Nurudeen

"If you take care of the individual aspect, the team aspect takes care of itself."
-Andrea Mosher, 400m hurdler for Illinois State University

"If you're afraid of falling, hitting your knees, afraid of the obstacle, or of any other obstacles in your life, don't try the hurdles."
-Reggie Towns, 1983 NCAA 110m hurdles runner-up

"Hurdling requires more than just speed. It requires flexibility, strength, and courage."
-Reggie Towns

"A hurdler needs something to do. Just running a straight 100 or straight 200, that's boring for a hurdler."
-Reggie Towns

"Hurdling is like Kung-fu. Everyone comes from a different school. And everybody says 'my Kung-fu is better than your Kung-fu.' You have to find the technique that best fits your body size."
-Larry Shipp, 1975 NCAA 110m hurdles champion

"Anybody who's into coaching to fill their own egocentric needs is in it for the wrong reasons."
-Lee Pantas, Coach at Asheville-Reynolds High School in Asheville, NC

"It's really all about your training. Whatever you train for, you'll be ready for."
-Nadine Faustin, 2004 Olympic 100m hurdles semi-finalist

"Every hurdler I know has hit a hurdle hard, or fell over one. . . . Don't be afraid to fall, because you're going to. It's what you do afterwards that matters."
-Laron Bennett, 2004 U.S. Olympic Trials 400m hurdles finalist

"The first thing a hurdler learns is how to fall."
-Tonie Campbell, 3-time Olympian in 110m hurdles

"If you're not ready to fall, you're not ready to hurdle."
-Tonie Campbell

"To be the best, you have to go out and do more. That's an easy thing to say, but when you actually do it, it's a different story."
-Porscha Dobson, 100m hurdler for UNC-Chapel Hill

"A coach takes on many roles. Being a coach is like being a father, uncle, brother, mother – all those things wrapped up into one."
-Marcus Walker, youth track coach, ranked 2nd in the world in the 110m hurdles in 1970

"You'll have to build up, fall down, get back up, just like in life you have to build up, fall down, and get back up. It's all good. If you come into the sport aware of those things, you'll be fine."
-Marcus Walker

"Pigeonhole the mistakes, remember them, then when you see the same thing happening again, you can remember how to correct it from how you corrected it in practice."
-Mike Shine, 1976 Olympic Silver Medallist in the 400m hurdles

"I believe you make life what you want it to be; you can reach goals you never thought you could if you keep at it."
-Mike Shine

"You have to transfer your success on the track to your education, because you don't want to waste what you did athletically once your athletic career is over."
-Beau Walker, recent graduate of the University of Alabama, pr's of 12.96 (100m hurdles) and 56.28 (400m hurdles)

"If I'm more prepared, the success will fall on me; if not, it will fall on someone else, and I'm okay with that."
-Beau Walker

"I have always wanted to teach, and coaching is teaching."
-Shelia Burrell, 2004 Olympics 4th-place finisher in the heptathlon

"I approach the heptathlon and life in the same way in that I not only want to be good at what I am doing, but I want it to mean something."
-Shelia Burrell

"In the hurdles you have ten opportunities to improve; that's what's so cool about it."
-Ron Bramlett, Two-time NCAA 110mHH champion; 4th-place finisher at USA Outdoor Nationals in 2004

"It's all about mechanics; all the weight-lifting in the world can't help you if you're not running correctly."
-Ron Bramlett

"You have to take a leap of faith to realize a dream, and this is something that a lot of people aren't willing to do."
-Ron Bramlett

"The times when I am running the best are when it feels effortless. The body is on autopilot, doing what you have trained it to do."
-Perdita Felicien, 2003 100h World Champion, 2007 WC silver medalist

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source:sherwoodarchers.com

Longbow Archery Quotes & Sayings
"The more you practise the luckier you get"

"It was a 10 when it left the bow"

"The only way I can get my arrows to group is to keep them in my quiver"

"If it is not fun then you must be hitting the target"

"Archery is not a sport it is brain damage"

"Just because I dress like Robin Hood , it does not mean I can shoot like Robin Hood!!!!!"

"Remember when you don't hit what you are aiming at, it's not because of the bow or arrows, it is the JERK on the string"

"I'm not used to shooting indoors, the lack of wind confused me."

"Remember the more you shoot the more arrows you have to buy"

"Oh you wanted me to hit that target"

"To be sure of hitting the target shoot first and what ever you hit call it the target"

An archers creativeness for excuses is only limited by the number of arrows in their quiver.

"These new arrows are useless they keep going where I'm aiming instead of where they are supposed to go"

"Oh wait a second these are my practise arrows"

If the point is sharp and the arrow is quick it can pierce the dust, no matter how thick.

Archers do it with a quiver

Once they are out of the quiver there is no telling where they will end up.

"Look mate this is a 60lb longbow shooting 700gr arrows, If I had HIT the target I would have destroyed it."

"No wonder I cannot hit the target, these new arrows are straight"

Archery is 1% Form, 2% Concentration and 97% Dumb LUCK

Arrows are like lightning they only hit what they want and it is rarely where you expect to hit.

"I suffer from Fast-Flite embolism…… I have a clot on the string"

"No shot is hard to make, but a lot of them are just too easy to miss"

"Don't worry, let the arrow pick the target"






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