FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source. golfjokes.com

 The Unwritten Rules of Golf

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse

Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

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Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: news.bbc.co.uk

Quotes of the Year

By Frank Keogh and Chris Charles

 

I didn't know it was the home of golf. I thought the home of golf was where I was from."
Boo Weekley with his verdict on St Andrews. Weekley hails from Milton in Florida. His nickname comes from Yogi Bear's sidekick, Boo Boo Bear.

"All through the match I just wasn't there, I didn't perform. I played like a fish!"
Mark Williams misses out on a plaice in the second round of the World Snooker Championship after losing to Joe Swail.

"I felt the rear end go down, selected first gear and thought I saw the lolly move."
Lewis Hamilton on jumping the gun during a pit stop at Silverstone. At least we think that's what he was talking about.

"Sometimes on a day off I go to the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. When we play at home, I go there after the game and it's like a doughnut party! Everyone is eating doughnuts inside their cars - it's like a disco!"
Cesc Fabregas reveals his Homer Simpson fitness philosophy.

"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."
Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder ahead of the clash with the New York Giants at Wembley. Americans - gotta love 'em.

Earl shows Khan who's the boss

"It is nice to be recognised for actually achieving something in life as opposed to spending seven weeks in a house on TV with a load of other muppets."
British cyclist Bradley Wiggins has a pop at Big Brother after finishing fourth in the Tour de France prologue.

"I swear on my mother's life, my late mother's life."
Alex Higgins being interviewed by Stephen Nolan on BBC Northern Ireland.

"99% of the letters and e-mails are supporting us and that's not bad. That's as good as Saddam Hussein did and he was fiddling the figures."
Ken Bates after winning his battle to retain control at Leeds United.

"I put the tape in and we all found ourselves watching He-Man Masters of the Universe."
Former world snooker champion Joe Johnson finally decides to watch a re-run of his 1986 triumph on video and finds his kids have taped over it.

"He hit me below the belt, south of the border, south of the equator, everywhere you can imagine. What a filthy fighter."
Alex Arthur reveals his displeasure at the tactics of Koba Gogoladze after knocking out the Georgian during their super featherweight clash.

"I was made to stand on a chair and sing Lulu's 'Shout' to the lads as part of the initiation... it was only after I'd finished - and they'd stopped laughing - that I found out I was the only new player to do it."
Bristol City new boy Lee Trundle is singing from a different hymn sheet to the rest of his team-mates.

Terry or Cudicini - who's your favourite?

"He will find out the hard way on his birthday that he has got a present he never wanted.''
Graham Earl vows to wish Amir Khan an unhappy 21st birthday ahead of their fight in December. Earl was knocked out after 72 seconds.

"You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn - there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box."
Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport.

"Dad's tiny - his passport picture is a full-length shot. He looks like he just hopped off a key ring. Mum is a different matter, she's a bit of a handful to say the least. I love her more than anyone on this Earth. But she's a monster."
Boxer Ricky Hatton lavishes praise on his parents.

He's got quite a bit of rhythm to him but you ought to see me on the dance floor in Manchester on a Saturday night with 12 pints of Guinness inside me - he doesn't even come close."
Hatton poo-poos Floyd Mayweather's appearance on Dancing With The Stars.

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Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: dailyherald.com

Compilation of top sports quotes of 2007 by Bob Frisk of the Daily Herald:

Rex Grossman, Bears quarterback, to reporters at Super Bowl media day: "I'm realizing how ignorant you guys are. But I don't mean that in a bad way."

Mike Penner, Los Angeles Times columnist: "Animal rights activists are trying to stop Kansas State fans from tossing live chickens onto the basketball court. Where were these people when Rex Grossman was throwing wounded ducks at the Super Bowl?"

Lou Piniella, Cubs manager, on what he sees in reliever Neal Cotts, who had a 7.20 ERA in the spring: "I see he gives up runs every time he pitches."

Paul Konerko of the White Sox: "I stopped caring about strikeouts a long time ago. The way I see it, when I strike out, I don't run to first and show off how slow I am."

Scott Skiles, former Bulls coach, on being compared by reporters to Miami Heat coach Pat Riley: "If I thought you guys knew anything, I'd be flattered."

Josh Paul, Devil Rays catcher and former Buffalo Grove High School star, on taking his first drug test of the 2007 season: "The key is to hit the cup."

Tim Doyle, basketball player at Northwestern, after watching Greg Oden lead Ohio State to a win over the Wildcats: "I thought Vince (Scott) played him as well as he could have. Oden's going to be a pro, and Vince is going to be an investment banker."

Oden, now making $3.9 million as an injured NBA rookie, asked how he likes Portland: "The only thing is, they don't have any Wal-Marts near my house. I go to Best Buy or Target, but those places are pretty expensive."

Claire Voris, softball pitcher for Barrington High School, after posting a 20-3 victory over Fremd: "With a 17-run lead, it's a little easier to pitch in the bottom of the seventh."

Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA's Dallas Mavericks, on how long it took him to get over the Mavericks' upset loss to the Warriors in the playoffs: "About three six-packs."

Jim Palmer, 62-year-old Hall of Fame pitcher, on his wedding proposal: "I didn't have any problem getting down on my knee, but I had a problem getting back up."

Soccer announcer, whose question in the press box was unwittingly broadcast to thousands of fans over the public-address system during a game in England with Marske United: "Has anyone got any cheese?"

Tony LaRussa, St. Louis Cardinals manager, on the advice he gave the University of Florida basketball team: "Same thing I tell my players: Get so far ahead that the coach can't screw it up."

Boo Weekly, PGA player, on the food in Scotland during The Open Championship: "It's different eating here than it is at the house. Ain't got no sweet tea, and ain't got no fried chicken."

Lucas Glover, PGA player from South Carolina, on being in contention at the British Open: "This is the icing on the gravy."

Bruce Scheidegger, girls basketball coach at Sterling High School, talking about playing a Fenwick team that featured two McDonald's All-Americans: "We like to eat at McDonald's sometimes after games, and that's about as close to all-American as we get."

Gary Koch, NBC golf analyst, on the travails of Phil Mickelson: "I liken watching Phil to the NASCAR fans and why they watch NASCAR. You're always waiting for the wreck to happen."

Jerry Wainwright, DePaul men's basketball coach, on how his players, particularly the new faces, were approaching a road game with Creighton: "They're all going to have butterflies. It won't be a Knute Rockne (speech) in the locker room. It'll be more of a Dr. Phil."

Emmitt Smith, NFL Hall of Famer, on his waning years with the Cowboys: "When I was 20, I got butterflies when I ran out on the field. At 34, I got moths."

Tim Kawakami, columnist for the San Jose Mercury News, after Serena Williams pulled out of the Bank of the West Tennis Classic: "You can do such things when you already own the Bank of the East, North, South, and Midwest."

Bob Rosburg, who is 80 years old and continues as a television golf analyst: "Something's wrong here. My youngest son is already retired, and I'm still working."

Harry Connick Jr., singer, pianist and actor, on keeping other people from watching him play golf: "I don't care how much it costs. I'll book five tee times before me and five after me."

Ichiro Suzuki, Seattle Mariners outfielder, on why he ran out of the baseline to escape a potential rundown: "I hate being touched by other people. I'd rather run away from them."

Suzuki again, on Seattle's trip to face the Indians: "I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face because I'm lying."

Bucky Waters, former college basketball coach, on his all-time greatest sixth man: "I'd have to pick Leroy Byrd. He was 5-5 and could sit on or under the bench."

Dottie Pepper, Golf Channel analyst, talking about the U.S. Solheim Cup players and unaware that her microphone was still on during a commercial break: "They're chokin' freakin' dogs."

Brady Sallee, Eastern Illinois women's basketball coach, on how his team shot in a 63-41 loss to Samford: "It looked like we were trying to shoot a football into a basketball goal."

Mike Gillespie, USC baseball coach: "They say that all the breaks even up in the long run. True, but only for marathon runners."

Fred Couples, PGA player: "I'm playing as well as I have ever played, except for the years I've played better."

Couples again: "Putting is 'Clutch City.' From 5 feet into the hole, you're in the throw-up zone."

Brandel Chamblee, former pro player and now Golf Channel analyst: "I love watching the U.S. Open for the vomit factor, seeing guys look like they're about to throw up."

Eric Schwartz, caddie for Corey Pavin, when asked if the veteran PGA Tour player had changed anything before the start of the 2007 season: "Just his underwear."

Willie Randolph, New York Mets manager, when asked why he shaved his moustache in the wake of his team's epic season-ending collapse: "I was going to cut my throat, but I aimed too high."

Dean McAmmond, NHL player, after suffering his second concussion in four months: "I don't feel I have a concussion. I have a problem with people giving me traumatic blows to the head."

Keith Jackson, retired college football TV icon, on receiving awards: "If you can't eat from it, drink from it, or cash it, don't bother showing up for it."

Jackson again, on what he's doing in retirement: "I'm doing things old men do, like trying not to catch the flu."

Lou Holtz, longtime football coach and now analyst, on fatherhood: "I loved my little boy until he told me he wanted to grow up to be a football coach. I then stopped raising him and began grazing him."

Brady Quinn, former Notre Dame quarterback now playing for the Cleveland Browns, when asked how he felt losing all that money on draft day by free-falling through the first round: "I didn't lose that money. It was never mine to begin with."

Chip Kelly, former Tennessee football player, on how his wife felt when he finished second in the Ugliest-Man-on-Campus Contest: "She said I was robbed."

Zach Johnson, PGA player appearing on David Letterman after his Masters victory: "Thanks to global warming, next year I'm playing without pants."

Jason Krause, a 10-year-old who appears on ESPN's NFL studio show, on Bobby Petrino, who bailed out as coach of the Atlanta Falcons to take the head job at Arkansas: "He's basically proven to be the weasel of all weasels."

Paul Goydos, who received a check for $936,000 for winning the Sony Open in Hawaii: "I had my best year ever today."

Donald Trump, on Trump National Golf Course, which he developed in Bedminster, N.J., with designs on hosting a U.S. Open: "This course is greater than I am."

Nancy Lopez, 50-year-old Hall of Fame golfer, on being away from the LPGA tour: "What I missed more than anything was the camaraderie of being in the locker room and telling dirty jokes and laughing."

Arthur Blank, 64-year-old owner of the Atlanta Falcons, on the benefits of some day winning the Super Bowl: "It would get my mother off my back."

Ted Nolan, coach of the Islanders in the NHL, after a 2-1 win: "My philosophy has always been if we score one more than them, we have a good chance of winning."

John Shumate, former Southeast Missouri State basketball coach, on his weak team: "It was so bad that the players were giving each other high-fives when they hit the rim."

Kevin Moen, former California tight end, looking back on the dramatic five-lateral play that beat Stanford in 1982 and how he never apologized to the trombone player he ran over in the end zone: "My feeling is if you're going to be on the field, you better be ready to play."

Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe, writing about the control problems of Ryan Seier, who walked three consecutive batters with the bases loaded: "Eddie Cicotte of the 1919 White Sox didn't do that badly and he was trying to lose."

Jack LaLanne, physical fitness guru, on why he refuses to grow old: "It would ruin my image. I can't even own a fat dog."

David Duval, PGA player, on how to get Tiger Woods to play the International: "I'd have a cocktail party Tuesday night, have him come by and meet a few people and flip him a check for half a mil and say, 'Thanks for being here.' "

Woods, when asked what he would do if he was playing the last hole of a tournament with a 1-stroke lead and got a message that his wife had gone into labor: "Well, I'll just have to play real quick, won't I?"

George O'Grady, European Tour executive director, after the World Golf Foundation announced its banned-substance list: "If Tiger's test comes back negative, what does it matter what the rest of them are on?"

If you smiled while reading this column, I did my job. If you didn't smile, go back to the beginning and try again. I guarantee there's a smile in here somewhere.

Happy New Year!

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Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sportsbybrooks.com

SPORTS QUOTES

Sloppy Drunk Dana Jacobsen @ M&M ESPN Roast

We seemed to have missed all the fun at the Mike & Mike Celebrity Roast Friday night. Or maybe we didn't miss that much.

AWFUL ANNOUNCING tips us off to Scott Cronick of the PRESS OF ATLANTIC CITY, who chronicled the tribute to the Worldwide Leader's own radio hams, Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic.

Cronick sums up the evening's escapades by concluding, "The problem with this roast, unlike a Comedy Central or Friar's Club roast, was that there weren't enough comedians. Instead, the stage was mostly filled with athletes and ESPN personalities. Not comedians. And it showed."

Some of the "highlights":

• Host (and actual comedian) Jeffrey Ross surveyed the crowd and commented, "This isn't a who's who. It's who didn't make the playoffs."

• Fellow ESPN employee & anchor Dana Jacobson "made an absolute fool of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle, mumbling along and cursing like a sailor as Mike & Mike rested their heads in their hands in embarrassment."

• Baltimore Ravens safety Ed Reed was also drunk on stage, not reading any of the jokes written for him. Ross replied, "I didn't realize his middle name was 'Can't'."

• Charlie Weis didn't even crack any jokes at all, "praising the duo and missing the whole point of the night." (What do you expect from a coach who led Notre Dame to one of their worst seasons ever?)

• But the best line of the night came courtesy of another actual comedian, Eddie Griffin:

"I kind of know my career is over when I'm hired to roast two white guys I never f—ing heard of."

Well said.

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Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sportsbybrooks.com

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: nascar.com

TOP TEN NASCAR QUOTES:

10. "I'm like a mule. I can take it. The safety devices are incredible today. We used to take those kind of whoopings without all that stuff, and it was a lot worse. This one is over with, and we'll pick up and go on."
-- Mark Martin, after being caught in a six-car wreck at Talladega on Lap 20.

. "The NHL has its work cut out for it. Let's face it -- television, advertising, marketing, licensing ... all of that stuff comes back to the fans; if they are mad, they won't be buying -- whether it's tickets or souvenirs. ... It's like walking out on your wife for a week. You can't walk back in the door, give her a wave, tell her you missed her and expect her to start cooking dinner."
-- Truck Series driver Brandon Whitt, weighing in on the NHL returning after its strike.

8. "I feel like I got a pile of cattle chasing my ass, and I'm peddling as hard as I can to stay in front of 'em. I'm looking behind me driving like hell."
-- Rusty Wallace, prior to the July race at Pocono on being in the top 10 in points.

7. "Everyone thinks Michael is a good guy. He is not the good guy like he acts like he is. Caution was out, and he wrecked me."
-- Robby Gordon, after hurling his helmet at Michael Waltrip's door at New Hampshire, the Chase's first race.

6. "You've started a lot of engines."
-- Chris Myers, television host for FOX and FX NASCAR broadcasts, to All-Star Challange grand marshall Pamela Anderson.

5. "I got pounded in the butt and someone spunned me out."
-- NBA star Lebron James, on his video-game experience with Bobby Labonte at Bristol.

4. "Mine was unintentional and his was intentional, and that's all I'm saying. NASCAR can do what they want with it."
-- Ryan Newman, after being taken out of the race at Bristol by Dale Jarrett.

3. "They name streets after guys like that -- One Way and Dead End ... He's just an idiot."
-- Tony Stewart, on Greg Biffle, who was racing hard with the leaders despite being one lap down at Martinsville in the fall.

2. "It's the last straw for Roush Racing. We're officially retiring as Kurt Busch's apologists effective [Sunday]."
-- Roush Racing president Geoff Smith, after the team suspended Kurt Busch for the season's final two races.

1. "I'm too damn fat to be climbing fences. I had to do it once, though."
-- Tony Stewart, after climbing the chain fence following his Daytona win in July.

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Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: news.bbc.co.uk

 

TENNIS QUOTES

 

Serena learnt a new word on day three of the Australian Open "We say booty. I'm not quite sure about 'posterior'. I'll try to keep that in the back of my mind. 'What are you doing?' 'I'm shaking my posterior'." Serena Williams. She was asked what she thought about a TV commentator admiring slow-motion pictures of sister Venus's "posterior" "Venus definitely has a great posterior. I'm sure it looked nice." Serena plays down the rumpus "We'd need a really long time because all I'll need is a tennis ball and I'm just going to stand here and bounce the ball for a really long time before I serve. We're going to be here all day long." Maria Sharapova on being asked for her impression of Novak Djokovic - who has taken to impersonating the Russian "I avoid stepping on the lines of the court because I believe it brings me luck." Not sure about that, but at least world number four Ana Ivanovic doesn't think she will get eaten by crocodiles "Rituals are an important part of my life during tournaments - I am probably one of the most superstitious players on tour." Ivanovic also bounces the ball exactly four times before she serves and eats at the same restaurant every night "I always have a song playing in my head. It can be annoying because I can't get it out of my head. In the first round it was 'Wake Up Call' by Maroon 5." Ivanovic again. It is a wonder she manages to remember to play tennis really "It was a lot of fun. We will win together next time." Ivo Karlovic (6ft 10ins) after he and John Isner (6ft 9ins) after becoming the tallest doubles partnership in tennis. They lost. "Why frustrating? I have 5,700 points so there is nothing frustrating. I'm very happy to be number two, and I would love to be number two for the next hundred years." Rafael Nadal contemplates a century in tennis when he is asked what it is like to play second fiddle to Roger Federer

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Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.