FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: en.wikipedia.org

Image: profile.myspace.com
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SPORTS HECKLES
Heckling in the World of Sports
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Hecklers can appear at sporting events, most notably baseball games, and usually (but not always) direct their taunts at a visiting team.
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Fans of the Philadelphia Eagles American football team are notorious for heckling; among the most infamous incidents were booing a performer dressed as Santa Claus in a halftime show in 1968, and cheering at the career-ending injury of opposing player Michael Irvin in 1999, as well as routinely booing the Eagles themselves if they do not perform up to expectations.
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Often, sports heckling will also involve throwing objects onto the field; this has led most sports stadia to ban glass containers and bottlecaps.
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Another famous heckler is Robert Szasz, who regularly attends Tampa Bay Rays baseball games and is known for loudly heckling one opposing player per game or series.
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Former Yugoslav football star Dejan Savicevic is involved in an infamous incident with a heckler in which during an interview, a man on the street is heard shouting off-camera: "You're a piece of shit!" Dejan berated the man, and went on to finish the interview, without missing a beat.
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Australian sporting audiences are known for creative heckling. Perhaps the most famous is Yabba who has a grandstand at the Sydney Cricket Ground named after him.
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The sport of cricket is particularly notorious for heckling between the teams themselves, which is known as sledging.
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In the NHL one of the most famous heckling incidents was with Tie Domi and a Philadelphia Flyers fan. After exchanging some words and squirting of water at each other, the fan fell into the penalty box, where Tie started to punch the fan.
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At the NBA Drafts of recent years, many fans have gone with heckling ESPN NBA analyst and host of, Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith, Stephen A. Smith.
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Most notably, The Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen heckles him with a sock puppet dubbed as Stephen A. himself.
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In a game between Futebol Clube do Porto and Sport Lisboa e Benfica, one minute of silence was held for the passing of Goalkeeper Manuel Bento, former Benfica player. Porto fans proceeded to whistle and sung insulting chants.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: houserockbuilt.blogspot.com

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COLLEGE FOOTBALL HUMOR
Humor by Andy Rooney
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Two Minutes on College Football
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College football is a game played by collegians. In France, when you talk about "football", they assume you mean a bunch of fruitcakes with long hair and mustaches kicking around a round ball. It's probably best not to start an argument with a Frenchman over this, because it will only lead to further frustration.
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Some teams have nicknames. Some are Lions, some are Bears. Some are Nittanies or Bruins, which are just needlessly fancy ways of saying Lions and Bears.
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You don't get one point each time you score, each time it's worth something different. Sometimes you get six points, sometimes you get three points, and still other times, for no reason at all, you get an "extra point".
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Have you noticed that there are some coaches like Joe Paterno who are very very old? Then, there are other coaches like Pat Fitzgerald who are very young. However, most of the coaches in football fall somewhere between those two in terms of age.
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Every conference thinks that they're the best, and even the teams that aren't in a conference think they're better than teams that are in a conference. Since it's not possible for all of them to be right, it's very likely that none of them are.
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And doesn't it seem strange that every college football team is composed of dozens of full-grown adult coaches and several dozen college students, and yet for some reason they're all obsessed with "impressing" a bunch of "computers".
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With all the education on those sidelines, you'd think somebody would point out the implicit absurdity of that very train of thought.
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Football is a physical, aggressive sport, and sometimes the players get into fights. When things get really heated, a player will take off his helmet and swing it around.
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Does it strike you as strange that their first instinct is to remove their most vital piece of safety equipment? I don't care if you're out of ammo in a foxhole, the last thing you'd want to use as a weapon is your bulletproof vest.
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I've been told that they don't sell beer in college stadiums, so I probably wouldn't want to go to a game. However, I'm also told that people drink it in the parking lots, so there are clearly two sides to every issue.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: foulballs.net

BASEBALL HUMOR
Thursday, August 23, 2007
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Andy Rooney Is A Senile Idiot
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You know, most 88-year-olds are content to play a little canasta, gum some tapioca pudding and complain about the weather.
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But not 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney. The unibrowed curmudgeon has way more important stuff to grouse about.
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Like baseball. Rooney hates it. Always has, even as a kid.
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But according to his latest column, it's much worse now. Why, you ask?
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Cuz of those damned foreigners with their crazy names, that's why!
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"I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today's baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me."
You tell 'em, Andy!
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But you might want to put down your quill pen and check your pants.
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Yeah, I know. You've peed yourself.
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No problem, just push the "Nurse Call" button.
Rodriguez will come and clean it right up.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: cbsnews.com

Image: commons.wikimedia.org
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SPORTS HUMOR
Humor by Andy Rooney
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This is the big time of year for baseball fans. I've never been much of a baseball fan myself. My father took me to a Yankees game when I was young and Joe DiMaggio struck out twice. I think that's what cooled me off on baseball. I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig but today's baseball stars are mostly unknown to me.
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I think baseball needs some rules changes, too. For example, managers are too big in the game. Every time I see a game on television, the manager is walking out on the field to butt in. Players ought to be making all those decisions themselves. Whose game is it anyhow?
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There are 30 major league baseball teams and there have been 102 World Series since the first one in 1903. The Yankees have been in 39 of those and they've won it 26 times. Four big league teams have never won a World's Series because they've never even played in one. And, by the way, isn't it sort of silly that they call it "The World Series" when most of the world doesn’t know baseball from ping pong?
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It's easier to understand why our football game isn't played in many other countries. It's complicated for one thing. Cricket is not played in many countries either of course but that's because cricket makes hopscotch seem exciting.
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In most countries they play what they call "football" but it's what we call "soccer." All the players need to play soccer is a ball and a pair of shorts. Our football is a better game but it takes expensive equipment.
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The figures they give us when they broadcast a game are things like batting averages and the number of first downs a team has made. When a player comes up to bat in a baseball game well I want to know his batting average, his salary and how smart he is. But then I’d also like to know the cumulative IQ and the cumulative salaries of the New York Yankee baseball team, compared to the New York Giants football team.
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As someone who never misses a Giants game myself, I don't want to talk about the IQ of football fans.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.aol.com

Image: logodesign.com
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OLYMPICS TRIVIA
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Olympics Champions - Where Are They Now?
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Mary Lou Retton
Then: (1984) Gymnastic gold medalist, two-time silver medalist and two-time bronze medalist.
Now: Resides in Houston and is the host of a children's program titled "Mary Lou's Flip Flop Shop" in addition to commercial endorsements.
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Mark Spitz
Then: (1968, '72) Nine-time swimming gold medalist. One silver and one bronze.
Now: Lives in Los Angeles and is self-employed as a corporate spokesperson (Medco Tour of Champions) and motivational speaker.
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Bruce Jenner
Then: (1976) Track and field gold medalist decathlon.
Now: Stars in E! reality series "Keeping Up with the Kardashians".
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Jim Abbott
Then: (1988) Baseball gold medalist.
Now: He currently works as a motivational speaker and resides near Harbor Springs, Mich.
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Bart Conner
Then: (1984) Two-time gold medalist -- gymnastics.
Now: Married to former Romanian gold medalist Nadia Comaneci. They currently own and operate Bart Conner Gymnastics Academy in Norman, Okla.
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Edwin Moses
Then: (1976, '84, '88) Two-time track and field gold medalist -- 400-meter hurdles; one silver -- 400-meter hurdles.
Now: Since election in 2000, Moses has been chairman of the Laureus World Sports Academy, which seeks "to promote and increase participation in sport at every level, and also to promote the use of sport as a tool for social change around the world."
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Greg Louganis
Then: (1976, '84, '88) Four-time diving gold medalist; one silver.
Now: Works in TV and is the subject of a current public affairs program titled "Sharing Moments". He will also star in an upcoming TV show called "So You Think You Can Dive" with Louganis as the host/judge.
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Carl Lewis
Then: (1984, '88, '92, 96) Nine-time track and field gold medalist -- 100 and 200 meters, 4x100-meter relay, long jump; one silver medal -- 200 meters.
Now: Currently lives in Los Angeles and continues to pursue an acting career.
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Michelle Akers
Then: (1996) Women's soccer gold medalist.
Now: Currently lives in a small central Florida town and dedicates herself to rescuing horses.
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John Carlos
Then: (1968) Track and field bronze medalist -- 200 meters.
Now: Track and field coach at a Palm Springs, Calif., high school. Recipient of 2008 Arthur Ashe Courage Award.
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Sugar Ray Leonard
Then: (1976) Boxing gold medalist -- light welterweight.
Now: Currently involved in TV boxing reality series "The Contender".
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Jim Ryun
Then: (1968) Track and field silver medalist -- 1500-meter race. Former world record holer for the mile.
Now: Member of US House of Representatives for Kansas' 2nd district.
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Summer Sanders
Then: (1992) Swimming gold, silver and bronze medalist.
Now: Currently a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador of the US and cover girl for Oxygen Women's Fitness Magazine's "2008 Glutes Special Edition".
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Rulon Gardner
Then: (2000, '04) Greco-Roman wrestling gold medalist at 130 kg in 2000. Bronze medalist at 120 kg in '04.
Now: Owns a business called "Gardner's Country Village" in his hometown of Afton, Wyo. It sells snacks and other items to travelers.
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Joan Benoit
Then: (1984) Track and field gold medalist -- marathon.
Now: Resides in Maine. Operates a running clinic and is also a motivational speaker.
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Michael Johnson
Then: (1992, '96, '00) Five-time track and field gold medalist 4x400-meter relay, 200 and 400 meters.
Now: Serves as BBC commentator, sports agent and writes a column for the London Daily Telegraph. Currently lives in Mill Valley, Calif.
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Leroy Burrell
Then: (1992) Track and field gold medalist -- 400-meter relay. Former world's fastest man.
Now: University of Houston track and field coach.
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Tommie Smith
Then: (1968) Track and field gold medalist -- 200 meters.
Now: Recipient of 2008 Arthur Ashe Courage Award. Until recently was a faculty member at Santa Monica College in California.
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Dan O'Brien
Then: (1996) Track and field gold medalist -- decathlon.
Now: Resides in Phoenix. He owns Gold Medal Acceleration gym in Scottsdale and is a volunteer track coach at Arizona State.
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Mary Decker-Stanley
Then: (1984) Did not medal in 3,000-meter run after falling.
Now: Resides near Eugene, Ore. Married to British discus thrower Richard Slaney. They share a 55-acre property with three dogs and five cats.
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Chandra Cheeseborough
Then: (1984) Track and field gold medalist -- 4x100, 4x400 relay; silver medalist -- 400 meters.
Now: Assistant coach for 2008 US track and field team.
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Clyde Drexler
Then: (1992) Men's basketball gold medalist.
Now: Color commentator for the Houston Rockets.
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Karch Kiraly
Then: (1984, '88, '96) Three-time volleyball gold medalist -- two indoor, one beach.
Now: Will serve as volleyball commentator for NBC in Beijing.
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Mitch Kupchak
Then: (1976) Men's basketball gold medalist.
Now: General manager of the Los Angeles Lakers.
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Leo Randolph
Then: (1976) Boxing gold medalist -- flyweight.
Now: Resides in hometown of Tacoma and works as a transit operator and supervisor.
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Gwen Torrence
Then: (1992, 1996) Three-time track and field gold medalist -- 200 meters, 4x100-meter relay twice; silver medalist -- 4x400-meter relay; bronze medlaist -- 100 meters.
Now: Works as a hairdresser and is raising her two children.
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Lee Evans
Then: (1968) Two-time track and gold medalist -- 400 meters and 4x400-meter relay.
Now: Recently accepted an offer from the United Nations to work in refugee camps and perform additional humanitarian work in New Guinea after eight seasons as director of track and field at the University of South Alabama.
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Zina Garrison
Then (1988) Tennis doubles gold medalist; singles bronze medalist.
Now: Battled bulimia and depression in late 1990s. Current serves as captain of U.S. Federation Cup team.
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Maurice Greene
Then: (2000, 2004) Two-time track and field gold medalist -- 100 meters, 4x100-meter relay; silver medalist -- 4x100-meter relay; bronze medalist -- 100 meters. Former world's fastest man.
Now: Retired from competition in February, 2008. Currently dates Claudia Jordan, who holds case No. 1 on NBC's "Deal Or No Deal". Also appeared in reality TV show "Blind Date".
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Nicole Haislett
Then: (1992) Three-time swimming gold medalist.
Now: Works as activities director for an assisted-living facility in Boca Ciega Bay, Fla.
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Butch Reynolds
Then: (1988) Two-time track and field gold medalist -- 400 meters and 4x400-meter relay.
Now: Resigned in April as speed coach for Ohio State University football program.
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Frank Shorter
Then: (1972, '76) Track and field gold medalist - marathon; silver medalist in '76.
Now: Resides in Boulder, Colo. runs his own sportswear company, Frank Shorter Sports. Former attorney.
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Joe Frazier
Then: (1964) Boxing gold medalist - heavyweight.
Now: Trains fighters and maintains "Smokin' Joe Frazier Foundation" benefiting inner city youth and families in Philadelphia.
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Phil Ford
Then: (1976) Men's basketball gold medalist.
Now: Assistant coach with NBA's Charlotte Bobcats.
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Roger Kingdom
Then: (1984, '88) Track and field gold medalist 110-meter hurdles.
Now: Track and field coach at Division II California University of Pennsylvania.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: chessville.com

Image: commons.wikimedia.org
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CHESS QUOTES
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I don’t allow takebacks; get a better mouse or a better brain. – Pablo Sierra
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The money and the women. – Jeremy Silman (when asked what had attracted him to chess)
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Just ignore my girlfriend sitting behind me in the gallery. She's the one in the front chair with the tight semi-transparent halter-top, in the micro-mini skirt. – Walter Browne
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The reason they call it chess, is that all the four-letter words were taken. – Source Unknown
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Most arguments about chess consist very largely of one person arguing that all the other participants in the discussion are jackasses. He usually proves it, and he also usually proves that he is one himself. – Adapted from H. L. Mencken
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I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chessboard in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered. – Robert Benchley
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I drink, I smoke, I gamble, I chase girls - but postal chess is one vice I don't have. – Mikhail Tal
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A bad day at chess is better than any good day of chasing some silly little dimpled ball all over somebody's cow pasture. – White
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The worst thing a wife can do is learn how to play the game herself. First, she will want to accompany her husband to chess tournaments. Then she will play the chess computer. Soon she will prove to be too much competition and may beat her husband in an off-hand game. That does it. It is time to give up chess, sell or give away his chess books, and take up golf. – Bill Wall
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The wife of an addicted chessplayer is a lonely creature who must put up with her husband’s obsession with chess. The chessplayer’s widow sees her husband as a vague person who is more interested in a checkmate than his own mate. He is studying his board; she is bored of his studying. He is thinking of knight moves; she is thinking of the nightlife; he is looking for mate in one; she is looking for one to mate. – Bill Wall
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The chessplayer’s widow probably suffers more if her husband has won. He brings home a small trophy and already spent his prize money by taking all his chess friends to a pizza house. The wife must listen with interest as he gives her a move-by-move description in detail with added explanations of how brilliant each move was, including all variations. The wife must follow her chess-playing husband from room to room, so as not to escape a single move of a particular game, or else suffer the consequences of him setting up the pieces all over again and starting over from move one. – Bill Wall
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According to Nigel “Romeo” Short, this move is more solid than 15…b5, which he describes as being similar to a playboy’s concept of marriage: ‘too committal’. – D. Ebrahim Al Mannai
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Short was struttin’ his hot stuff with some of the attractive ladies in attendance. They somehow managed to resist his studly hands-in-pockets-with-shoulders-hunched in mating stance as he worked his mojo. – D. Ebrahim Al Mannai (on Nigel Short in attendance at the pre-match festivities for the Kramnik-Deep Fritz match in Bahrain)
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Do not be alarmed about the state of your adversary's health, when, after losing two or three games, he complains of having a bad headache, or of feeling very unwell. If he should win the next game, you will probably hear no more of this. – Richard Penn
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Once while walking over Waterloo Bridge, in London, with stout-hearted Teichmann, we conversed of the ingredients that associate to make a chess player. I ventured a remark that, if he would name one indispensable ingredient, I would name an able player wholly destitute of it. And Richard very tolerantly said, "Have you given any thought to vanity'?" – William Napier
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I would probably have taken cyanide that night, had I been a few years younger. – Edward Lasker (on losing a won game to Janowski, New York 1924)
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Tartakower was once playing in a tournament on a very hot day. He called for a glass of iced water. The waiter prepared him a drink with lavish care, squeezing out fresh oranges. He brought it to the table where Tartakower was deep in thought. Without looking at it, Tartakower picked up the glass and poured the contents over his head. – Source Unknown
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: quotesjunction.com

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GOLF QUOTES
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May thy ball lie in green pastures… and not in still waters.
Author Unknown
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Born to golf. Forced to work.
Author Unknown
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A golfer’s diet: live on greens as much as possible.
Author Unknown
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To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
Author Unknown
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If you wish to hide your character, do not play golf.
Percey Boomer
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Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.
Princess Anne
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I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good if I miss a putt.Chi Chi Rodriguez
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His driving is unbelievable. I don’t go that far on my holidays.
Ian Baker-Finch
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One thing about golf is you don’t know why you play bad and why you play good.
George Archer
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Golf is hockey at the halt.
Arthur Marshall
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The worst club in my bag is my brain.
Chris Perry
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Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain’t no game.
Burt Shotten
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The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
Author Unknown
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There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
Lee Trevino
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Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism conducted out-of-doors.
Paul O’Neil
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A golf course is nothing but a poolroom moved outdoors.
Barry Fitzgerald
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I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it.
Jim Dent
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A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water.
Bob Ryan
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If I can hit a curveball, why can’t I hit a ball that is standing still on a course?Larry Nelson
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: megaquotes.info

Image: pfeiffer-photo.com
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GAMBLING QUOTES
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Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. ~Gloria Steinem
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A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time. ~Author Unknown
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five. ~Henny Youngman
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You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people. ~Will Rogers
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A race track is a place where windows clean people. ~Danny Thomas
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No dog can go as fast as the money you bet on him. ~Bud Flanagan
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Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit. ~R.E. Shay
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Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something. ~Wilson Mizner
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In most betting shops you will see three windows marked “Bet Here,” but only one window with the legend “Pay Out.” ~Jeffrey Bernard
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The house doesn’t beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself. ~Nick Dandalos
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In the case of an earthquake hitting Las Vegas, be sure to go straight to the Keno Lounge. Nothing ever gets hit there. ~Author Unknown
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Man is a gaming animal. He must always be trying to get the better in something or other. ~Charles Lamb, Essays of Elia, 1823
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The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil. ~Heywood Broun
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For most men (till by losing rendered sager)
Will back their own opinions by a wager.
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, “Beppo”
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: hubpages.com

GOLF QUOTES
Quotes by Comedians
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I'm the kind of guy who has to tell his wife he's going to Hooters so he can go play golf. - Ray Romano
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Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass. - Adam Sandler (in Happy Gilmore)
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Anyone who likes golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens. - Andy Rooney
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Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before when he knows that the safest place to be is right down the middle. - Jackie Gleason
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When you start driving your ball down the middle, you meet a different class of people. - Phil Harris
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He didn't wear the green jacket [from the Maseters Tournament] did he? Why would he do that? Who wears a green jacket if you're not spanking a hooker? - Brad Garret
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O.J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment. For the rest of his life, he has to associate with golfers. - George Carlin
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I did not want to turn to golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards. - Bill Cosby
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: pickuphockey.com

HOCKEY QUOTES
Quotes from a Hockey Forum
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"Hitting is a part of the game. You've got to be a man to play this game and you've got to be able to keep your head up. Clean hit. Nothing more to say."Jordin Tootoo
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Great Line my personal favorite is basically
" That hit was a joke, thats a definition of a joke right there, the knee on knee with Jochen thats a joke, its a f**in joke, its a complete joke."
I tried my best to paraphrase it in to my own words but thats Lindy Ruff on Tucker's hit on Jochen Hecht.
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And: "If you can't beat them in the alley, you can't beat them on the ice" and that was Conn Smythe, I believe.
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Dave "Tiger" Williams......"Dat Teams Done Like Dinner"
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Even though I dont like him, Pronger has a great line when asked if he'll miss any time with an injury."I'm day-to-day with hurt feelings"
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I forget who said it and who posted it,,, but apprently some old hockey icon on his death bed said to his wife..."I love you more than hockey" at least he gave his wife some peace of mind before he left.
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Im not sure if this is right word for word but I liked Brian Burke's saying last year "If you come looking for a square dance in our barn you'll find one". Instant classic.
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