FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: mailonsunday.co.uk

 

WATER SPORTS

Pictured: The world's most intelligent fish - he plays football, basketball and even limbo dances

Last updated at 14:37pm on 5th May 2008

 

Introducing the world's most intelligent fish - he can play football, basketball and even limbo dance under a bar.

Comet the goldfish has been trained by his owner to perform the astonishing range of aquatic activities on demand.

And that's not all - watery genius can also play fetch with a hoop, slalom around a series of poles and push a rugby ball over a set of posts.

Watch the world's most intelligent fish in action below ...

Swam dunk: Comet prepares to shoot a hoop

Catch of the day: Comet's owner used a training technique called positive reinforcement to teach the fish tricks

 

Owner Dr Dean Pomerleau, 41, used a training technique called positive reinforcement to train two year old common goldfish Comet to carry out the tricks.

But there's nothing fishy about his claim - in fact, he says anyone can do the same with their own pet.

Fish training expert Dr Pomerleau said: "There is mounting evidence that fish are more intelligent than people give them credit for.

"With the correct tools and the basic promise of a food reward, fish can very quickly learn complex tricks - like the limbo, slalom or playing fetch.

---

Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: the sportingnews.com

NFL FOOTBALL QUOTES

Sporting News, The, Dec 23, 2005

Earlier this season, we asked wide receivers which defensive back was the biggest trash-talker. Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot was the runaway choice, receiving 25 of the 47 votes. No other DB had more than four.

"He talks from the opening kickoff until the final gun," an AFC wideout says. "Even in warmups, he's talking. He picks his battles, but he knows who to talk trash with. He can wear you down just with his mouth."

But Smoot doesn't talk aimlessly--he has a plan. In fact, he provided a first-person primer on the sweet science of verbal warfare.

DO'S

1. Always study your opponent. Find out their weaknesses and their strengths. Then you need to find out some dirt. And when I say dirt, it's dirt.

The NFL is like a big fraternity. I might be here (in Minnesota), but Ellis Wyms, we went to college together, and now he's playing for Tampa Bay. Me and Dwight Smith, we went to the awards banquet in college together; now he plays for the Saints. So I can call these guys up when I want to know something about Joe Horn or Michael Clayton. All defensive players are on each other's side.

2. Work on delivery. Watch a lot of BET's Comic View and a lot of Dave Chappelle. You've got to have a delivery, and it's got to be natural. If that's not your personality, you can't trash-talk.
I've always been a talker. When I was real young, playing pee-wee ball, that's the way I used to get comfortable in the game. I haven't worn a mouthpiece since I was in junior high school because I couldn't talk with it in.

3. Press the advantage. I can tell by small things that I've gotten inside a guy's head. That's when I start really spitting in your face, so you might need a towel to wipe it. Now I start to go to your sideline and tell your coaches, "You better put somebody else in the game--I've got him."

DON'TS

1. Avoid making it too personal. Don't do anything that ever truly hits home. Something that's true to the heart ... you don't go there. You don't want to be a heathen. It's all in fun, you know, love and war.

2. Silence is not an option. If you give up a play, you can not stop talking trash. You can't let him shut you up because he made one play on you. It's going to happen. II you're going to be a talker, you must be a talker at all times.

3. Stop the noise--if you suck. You've got to be able to go out there and handle your business. If you cannot play the game, you cannot really talk. There's nothing for you to talk about, actually.

.

.

Image (Fred Smoot): media.scout.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: openline.medialine.com

SPORTS QUOTES

Shannon Sharpe on the sideline pretending to talk on a red phone to the White House."Someone call the president and tell him to get National Guard because we are killing the Patriots".

Rasheed Wallace answer to every post-game question."Both Teams Played Hard"

Al Davis on what makes a good defense."The quarterback most go down and he must go down hard"

Allen Iverson's mom responding to allegations that A.I. threw his wife out of the house while she was naked."Did Tawanna tell you that?"

.

Image (Allen Iverson and Family): thumb7.webshots.net

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: annabelle.net

SPORTS QUOTES

People stress the violence. That's the smallest part of it. Football is brutal only from a distance. In the middle of it there's a calm, a tranquility. The players accept pain. There's a sense of order even at the end of a running play with bodies stewn everywhere. When the systems interlock, there's a satisfaction to the game that can't be duplicated. There's a harmony. * Don DeLillo

Pro Football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors. * Frank Gifford
Conventional wisdom notwithstanding, there is no reason either in football or in poetry why the two should not meet in a man's life if he has the weight and cares about the words. * Archibald MacLeish

Going to college offered me the chance to play football for four more years. * Ronald Reagan
Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal. * George F. Will

Football brings out the sociologist that lurks in some otherwise respectable citizens. They say football is a metaphor for America's sinfulness. * George F. Will

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: humorcolumnist.com

AMERICAN FOOTBALL HUMOR
.
NFL Fever

A severe affliction is sweeping the nation. It manifests itself in the fall of the year in a mysterious syndrome which usually lasts until about February, although in a few especially vulnerable people, it has been known to continue in sporadic episodes throughout the year.

There is little or no hope for those individuals who contract the ailment. While women are not immune, it seems to strike the male gender more frequently and with greater severely.

Often the sick individual fails to recognize the disorder and will insist that he or she is perfectly well and everyone else is sick.

While this syndrome has no agreed upon medical name, it is sometimes referred to as "NFL Fever".

Here are the danger signs:

You have more than one big screen TV.

You record one game on the VCR while watching another.

You argue with instant replays.

You spend every vacation visiting NFL cities and checking out sports stadiums.

Your beer bill during football season exceeds the family grocery bill.

You need a day off work to recover if your team loses the game.

You have a tee shirt with a sports logo not only for your favorite team, but for every team in the league. (Yes, hats count too.)

If someone asks you a question, you do not answer until half time.

The remote control button for ESPN is worn down to a nub.

Your life ambition is to go for an entire season without missing a single game.

You want to paint your house in your team's colors.

You bought a fridge for your den to keep the beer cool.

You channel surf; you watch the game both on TV and on the Internet, or you watch more than one TV set at the same time.

If someone says, How are you?" you say "Three points behind."

You would rather watch football than eat.

You think the Super Bowl is a national holiday.

You can't carry on a conversation without bringing up sports.

You are offended when someone likes a different team and want to argue about which team is better.

Your dog is named Peyton Manning.

You only speak in sports lingo.

You think being called a "sports fanatic" is a compliment.

You hit the TV or yell at it when your team misses a play.

Your three favorite things are: sacks, blitzes, and red dogs

You can't remember your spouse's birthday or anniversary, but know the score of every game
for the season and what teams played.

And worst of all, when you make love, you yell "touchdown!"

If you believe you or someone you love may be afflicted with this illness, call 1-800-TICKETS and go to a real game for immediate symptomatic relief. WARNING: This cure may be habit forming and should be used only with extreme caution. Long term effects have not been studied, and symptoms may actually increase or worsen with long term usage.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: famedquotes.com

Image: southfrancevillas.com

.

"NO BULL! You're in trouble now, Shorty!

SPORTS QUOTES

The more violent the body contact of the sports you watch, the lower your class." -Paul Fussell

"A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to go out and kill something." -Stephen Leacock

"Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports. . . all others are games." -Ernest Hemingway

"Pour water on a sportswriter -- instant horseshit." -Ted Williams

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.aol.com

Image: vgg.com

THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE ROCKS!

The NFL 's Music Connection - Quotes and Trivia

Shufflin' Crew
The 1985-'86 Chicago Bears rode their own soundtrack, 'The Super Bowl Shuffle,' to an NFL championship. The rap, featuring William "the Refrigerator" Perry, Walter Payton, Jim McMahon and others, reached No. 41 on the Billboard charts and earned a Grammy nomination -- the first ever for a sports team

Super Bowl Shaft
The biggest loser in the 2005 Super Bowl's 'Nipplegate' scandal wasn't Janet Jackson or Justin Timberlake but rather JC Chasez. After Jackson famously bared a breast in her duet with Timberlake, the NFL pulled the plug on JT's former bandmate, who was supposed to perform later that month at the Pro Bowl.

Loser's Blues
Wake Forest's Demon Deacons were so bad in the mid-1970s, they once went on a run of losses with scores of 31-0, 63-0, 55-0 and 47-0. Such ineptitude inspired Steely Dan's Donald Fagen to write the lyric "They got a name for the winners in the world/I want a name when I lose/They call Alabama the Crimson Tide/Call me Deacon Blues

Okie's Big Dawg
Toby Keith was laying hits on opposing players long before he started laying down hits in the recording studio. Having lost his job with the oil industry in the early 1980s, the beefy country singer found work as a defensive end for the semipro Oklahoma City Drillers.

Arena Rocker
Jon Bon Jovi is a co-founder of the Philadelphia Soul, an Arena Football League expansion franchise named for the city's homegrown brand of 1970s R&B. Another arena team owner, the Colorado Crush's John Elway, teamed up with Bon Jovi in a hilarious commercial in which the Jersey rocker and the ex-Denver Broncos quarterback kick off the AFL's 2004 season

Steel Country
Legendary Steelers QB and current NFL announcer Terry Bradshaw has released a half dozen albums, some a little bit country, some a little bit gospel. And long after hanging up his helmet and microphone, Bradshaw made a memorable cameo in a Toby Keith music video, playing a loser looking for love in 'I'm Just Talkin' About Tonight

Rap Sheet
After his sixth arrest for various felony charges, Tennessee Titans cornerback Pacman Jones was suspended from the NFL. His next step? To become a rap star, of course, releasing a single called 'Let It Shine' on his own label, National Street League Records.

Silver Screen Pass
Any self-respecting rapper has to play a football star in a movie: After recording a song for the film 'Wildcats,' LL Cool J tackled the role of a running back in 1999's 'Any Given Sunday,' Nelly suited up as a running back in the 2005 remake of 'The Longest Yard,' while Xzibit portrayed a high school coach in 'Gridiron Gang,' from 2006.

Sunday School
Following in the rowdy footsteps of Hank Williams Jr. and Pink, Faith Hill has become the new voice kicking off 'Sunday Night Football' every week. She performs 'Waiting All Day for Sunday Night,' set to the tune of Joan Jett's 'I Hate Myself for Loving You.' An avid football fan herself, Hill told AOL Music the Tennessee Titans are the team she roots for every Sunday

Quintuple Threat
Deion Sanders, the football legend turned baseball star turned announcer, showed his dancing skills in MC Hammer's 'Too Legit to Quit' video. The man known as "Prime Time" has also tried his hand at singing, releasing an album aptly titled after his nom-de- gridiron.

Goalpost Grief
U2's video for 'Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of' features a young kicker agonizing over missing a game-winning field goal. It stars legendary coach and announcer John Madden, reporting from the "unforgettable Fire Dome" on "Sunday, bloody Sunday," recapping the game between the Flys and the Lemons (the names of two U2 songs), and identifying the kicker as Paul Hewson (Bono's real name).

Da Big Mouth
Good-time California rock band Smash Mouth took their name from former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka's reverence for a bruising, nasty, thuggish brand of football that would have very little use for fizzy pop songs.

Hip-Hop's Joe College
Kanye West invited Florida A&M's marching band onstage with him at the 2006 Grammy Awards for his performance of 'Gold Digger.' The rapper clearly has a thing for fringe and epaulets: He also performed with a marching band in the concert for 'Dave Chappelle's Block Party.'

T.O.'s Latest Beef
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens recently told reporters that Jessica Simpson is "not a fan favorite ... in this locker room or in Texas Stadium." He later claimed he was joking, but it was no laughing matter when the pop starlet attended a game to cheer on her new man, Tony Romo: The Cowboys quarterback had the worst statistical game of his career.

Lions Roar
In the late 1960s, Motown's Marvin Gaye aspired to another of the city's institutions: the Detroit Lions. After the singer was cut from the team, he returned to the recording studio, bringing a few former teammates with him. Lions players Lem Barney and Mel Farr contributed backing vocals to his classic song 'What's Going On.'

Coach Dogg
If there's one thing Snoop Dogg loves more than his blunts, it's football. He owns the Snoop Youth Football league, home of his own son's Ponoma Steelers. The rapper is said to be so dedicated that he leaves the grass at home when his team hits the turf.

Fantasy Paradise
A member of 30-plus fantasy football leagues, being an NFL fan is pretty much Meat Loaf's second job. In fact, he told the New York Times that he watches every single NFL game on Sundays, monitors free agent pickings on Tuesdays, calls into NFL radio shows during the middle of the week, sets his lineups on Fridays and watches injury reports on Saturdays.

Heisman Hotness
Whether or not you believe the rumors of a past romantic rendezvous between Reggie Bush and the 'Queen of Crunk-'n-B,' their chemistry is undeniable in Ciara's video for 'Like a Boy.' In the video, Ciara whispers sweet nothings into the diamond-clad ear of the New Orleans Saints running back.

McFavre
Tim McGraw may be a regular at Tennessee Titans games, but his loyalty lies with his best bud, Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre. McGraw has said that Favre is his No. 1 fantasy football pick every year, and Favre returned the honor by giving the country star a $79,000 motorcycle for his birthday this year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: iol.ie

WATER SPORTS

Baywatch Lifeguard Terms and Slang

Real life lifeguard and fire-fighter Michael Newman is a valuable asset to the show. On-screen you see him has the veteran wise-cracking "Newmy", but he also works behind the scenes co-ordinating rescue scenes and showing actors unfamiliar with water rescues exactly how to run with the can, use a Wave Runner in the surf and dive through surf or from a boat going 30 miles per hour.

Listed below are the rules he lives by and the terms and slang words he uses on a daily basis.

Lifeguard Rules

1.
Watch the water
2.
Always carry a red can or tube
3.
Prevent problems before they occur
4.
Always survey your assigned area
5.
While attempting a rescue, tell other swimmers to leave the water so that they don't attempt the rescue themselves
6.
Body language is crucial to inform another lifeguard of your status or need for help while attempting a rescue
7.
Understand how to "read the water"
8.
The color of water can help to determine depth
9.
When in doubt, go!
10.
In case of emergency, knock the telephone off the hook

Lifeguard Slang

Beat-off:
an untrustworthy lifeguard, often used in jest

Blitz:
multi-victim rescue

Bogus:
phony, weird

Bud:
one of the guys

Buffasorus:
one who is in shape and "looking good"

Buffed:
in shape, "looking good"

Can Flip:
a technique of spinning the can one or two revolutions and catching it (used to impress)

Crew:
the guys/girls that work a certain beach (for example., the Will Rogers Crew)

Cruiser:
a pickup artist, usually male

Didge:
parking free

Dip:
a break on a hot day when a lifeguard walks into the water to cool off

Dirt Bag:
bum

Dumped:
knocked over by a wave

Find The Bottom:
(before you find the air)

Fluff and Buff:
to get ready, shave and shower

Give Me Some Air:
lifeguard frogmen diving in from overhead chopper

Go-out:
a session. Usually a surfing, surfskiing, windsurfing or other form of fun exercise

Inside:
close to shore ("stay inside, will ya, kid!")

L.D:
long distance swimmer. Usually one who does not know what he/she is doing

Mini:
shift less than eight hours

Out of Tower Brass:
lifeguards that have risen to a position away from the beach

Outside:
past the surf line

Patrol:
walk

S & R:
search and recovery

Schedule:
the tower hours and days off that a lifeguard works

Set:
a group of waves

Shine:
forget it

Towelside Manner:
the attitude/rapport that a lifeguard has with the public, especially women

Tumble Dry:
to get caught in the circular force of a big wave after it has broken; a very humiliating experience

Watch the Water:
lifeguarding

Workout:
a physical break from the pressure of watching the water

Technical Terms

Closing Day:
Labor Day

Code 1:
respond

Code 2:
respond quickly

Code 3:
respond, red lights and siren

Code 4:
cancel

County Shower:
an on-duty shower

"Mayday":
used to signal a boat in distress

Opening Day:
Memorial Day

Ten-four:
the message has been received and understood

Title 17:
The Los Angeles County Beach Ordinance (main ordinance)

Rescue Terms

Blitz:
multiple rescues with three or more victims

Buffer Zone:
used for a rescue under a pier. A way to prevent swimmers and surfers from being pushed into the pier by the current

Climbing the Ladder:
swimming straight up, a sign of a poor swimmer

Cross-Chest Method:
used when a victim is unconscious. Only used if there is no neck or back injury

Porpoising technique:
a rescue technique in which the lifeguard springs off of the ocean bottom into a shallow dive, grabs sand and pulls himself forward to his feet

Saddleback Carry:
used when a victim is unconscious

Sky Genie:
a device used for a cliff rescue. It helps the lifeguard to control the speed of his descent

Towing a Victim:
using the can to perform a rescue

Essential Equipment

Rescue can:
the orange plastic floatation device worn around the neck. "This gives the victim something to float on so the lifeguard can use both his arms and legs to swim," explains Mike

Binoculars:
high-powered lenses allowing the lifeguard to survey vast areas

Paddleboard:
a long surfboard is used to get out beyond the surf when the victim is out too far for the life guard to swim to, but close enough so that a boat isn't necessary. About 40 pounds, the paddleboat is 12 feet long

Two-man dory:
an unsinkable row boat weighing 300 pounds and measuring 21 feet long. With two sets of oars, a pair of lifeguards can row their way through the surf

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: playerhatersball.com

COMPETITIVE DIVING HUMOR

- For as much as I complain about gymnastics, I actually don’t mind watching it in the Olympics.

I could have gone without coverage of the gymnastics gala, or whatever it was called, where all the medallists did the same routines they did in the real competition, except this time it was set to music that never seemed to be in synch with the actual exercise. But I digress.

Once every four years I can sit through a few nights of tumbling, twisting and stuck landings as long as there are some medals on the line. My patience doesn’t extend to gymnastics distant, in-bred cousin: diving.

Q: What kind of people are divers?

A: Unathletic people and a**holes. In my county, high-school swimming is, for some reason, combined with diving. I fear that this is not an isolated situation. Why is this so… because both take place in a pool?

What? I don’t see volleyball and basketball teams combining forces on a single team just because they both play on hardwood floors.

Yet, the swim team had to let divers on it and, worst of all, had to watch it during the meets.

If you haven’t seen a dive meet, let me sum up: Diver jumps off board after 30 seconds of concentrating. Scores given after 30 seconds deliberation (“Should I give it a 5.5 or a 6.0. Were the toes pointed correctly? Was the flip in line with the board? Was there good body control? How am I supposed to remember all of this, the whole dive took about .8 seconds.”) Repeat 44 times.

Swimmers who worked hard year-round, swimming mile upon mile, lifting weights and practicing at the crack of dawn actually had to take a break in the middle of their meet to watch people cut from J.V. volleyball attempt front flips with a half-twist.

What a joke. I sometimes can still hear the judge’s scores in my nightmares. Anybody can be a good diver. Well, anybody except somebody with a hint of athletic ability, because those people would be competing in a real sport and not wasting their time jumping off a board and trying not to make splash.

Seriously how not fun is that. The main joy of jumping off a diving board is seeing how big a splash you can make. Diving sucks the fun out of that and does the opposite. It’s like having a race and seeing who can go the slowest.

Simply put: diving is for losers.

Chris, can you really make a sweeping generalization of an entire sport like that?

Yes. Yes I can. Why? Because it’s diving.

The good news is, the Americans were shut out of medals at the Olympics in diving for the first time since 1912. Hopefully, this will mean that NBC will not devote hours of primetime coverage to this non-sport in Beijing. One can only hope.

- That’s it for today. I gotta run… Need to be at diving practice in 20 minutes.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.fibalad.com

Soccer Quotes of the Year

Tue, 1 Jan 2008 - 15:13
FilGoal.com presents the best quotes of 2007 on both local and international scenes.

Egypt

"I came to Middlesbrough because I like shopping,"
Ahmed Hossam 'Mido' reveals the significant reason behind his decision to join Boro.

"All I can say is that Prison is for real men," the first words of former Zamalek president
Mortada Mansour after he was released from jail.

"We will not win the league, we will not win anything with this team, please let me go….I will not attend training again and if Zamalek don't let me go I will quit football!"
its a miracle Zamalek kept Amr Zaki after these outrageous comments.

"Amr Zaki reminds me of Wayne Rooney, I think he has got the same qualities,"
maybe that's why Zamalek chairman Mamdouh Abbas decided to keep Zaki!

"I am desperate to join Ahli, actually I've been in contact with a club official recently and I hope I could learn my fate soon or else I may quit the game,"
unfortunately for Ibrahim Saied, this one didn't work with Ahli!

"I am astonished, this request is disrespectful to Strasbourg,"
Strasbourg chairman Philippe Ginestet was astonished at Ismaili chairman Yehia Al-Koumi's bizarre request to pay the due 500,000 Euros to acquire Hosni Abd-Rabou on yearly installments!

"The more money you pay the coach, the more games you play,"
Ittihad's Hesham Hanafi revealed a new technique for former coaching staff.

"We won 10 titles out of 10. My success is a good reason for our enemies to show their envy,"
It's no surprise that Ahli coach Manuel 'Jose' is Portuguese.

"The second-choice role cost me a place in the Egyptian national team,"
Ismaili deputy goalkeeper Mohamed Sobhi, who has ZERO caps for Egypt.

"Honestly, I admit that sometimes I become selfish, I just cant control it when I see the net in front of me!"
that's why Alaa Ibrahim is the league's top scorer…maybe his teammates could hide the net in order to get a pass out of him!

"I don't have a problem with anyone, my problem is my head and I'm changing that a little bit. I need to improve mentally, otherwise I'm a disaster."
Temperamental Sampdoria forward Antonio Cassano two days before he suddenly headed to the dressing room in rage during a Serie A game with Fiorentina in October.

"I feel OK. The only difference is in training you have the press - and they want to come back home and sleep with you."
Thierry Henry explains the new lifestyle in Barcelona.

"If you want to win, you have to pay up to £100,000 a week to a player who can hardly read or write and he earns four or five million pounds. It's crazy,"
Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed.

"At the end of the day, he scored three goals. Other than that, I kept him pretty quiet,"
Reading defender Michael Duberry explains how he managed to mark Fernando Torres during the 4-2 defeat.

"When I told my wife that we might move elsewhere she said I could go alone – she likes it here in Madrid,"
former Real Madrid winger Cicinho must have moved to Roma without his wife.

"I'm worried about having more chances on goal. I don't blame my defenders for anything. I think we have more problems in attack."
Real Madrid coach Bernd Schuster was probably speaking about another game after his side scored three and conceded five in the 5-3 defeat to Sevilla!

"My mum sometimes says to me 'why do you never score a hat-trick?!''
Cristiano Ronaldo, who scored seven doubles this year, reveals his mother's boredom with his two-goal habit!

"When we were 6-0 up, one of their players said 'don't do any more dribbles', almost begging," If only Cristiano Ronaldo could tell who was that Roma player.

"The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
We picked out that one from tens of Jose Mourinho's 'special' quotes.

"If Chelsea are naive and pure then I'm Little Red Riding Hood," Rafa Benitez responds to former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho's claims that his team is naïve.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: quotegarden.com

Image: d.yimg.com
.

TENNIS QUOTES

Tennis belongs to the individualistic past - a hero, or at most a pair of friends or lovers, against the world. ~Jacques Barzun

I have always considered tennis as a combat in an arena between two gladiators who have their racquets and their courage as their weapons. ~Yannick Noah

Love is nothing in tennis, but in life it's everything. ~Author Unknown

Tennis is an addiction that once it has truly hooked a man will not let him go. ~Russell Lynes

Ladies, here's a hint. If you're up against a girl with big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's the hardest shot for the well-endowed. ~Billie Jean King

Good shot, bad luck, and hell are the five basic words to be used in a game of tennis, though these, of course, can be slightly amplified. ~Virginia Graham, Say Please, 1949

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again. ~Hugo L. Black

An otherwise happily married couple may turn a mixed doubles game into a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. ~Rod Laver

The serve was invented so that the net could play. ~Bill Cosby

Though your game is hardly the bestYou can fray your opponent's nervesBy methodically bouncing the ballAt least ten times before your serves.~Arnold J. Zarett

Why has slamming a ball with a racquet become so obsessive a pleasure for so many of us? It seems clear to me that a primary attraction of the sport is the opportunity it gives to release aggression physically without being arrested for felonious assault. ~Nat Hentoff

But that won't give me a free hand to hold the beer. ~Billy Carter, while being taught a two-handed backhand shot

The primary conception of tennis is to get the ball over the net and at the same time to keep it within bounds of the court; failing this, within the borders of the neighborhood. ~Elliot Chaze

A perfect combination of violent action taking place in an atmosphere of total tranquility. ~Billie Jean King, about tennis

Tennis begins with love. ~Author Unknown

What a polite game tennis is. The chief word in it seems to be "sorry" and admiration of each other's play crosses the net as frequently as the ball. ~J.M. Barrie

Tennis is not a gentle game. Psychologically, it is vicious. That people are only just beginning to come to terms with this fact illustrates just how big a con trick has been perpetrated on the non-playing tennis public - and even a few players, usually losing players - for decades. ~Richard Evans

The cunning competitor plays on the other party's guilt. Continuously praise your opponent's shots, and you'll notice how he begins to press. Self-beratement also serves to balance a guilty conscience for being successful and makes your opponent disturbed for upsetting you so. If on occasion you call one of your opponent's "out" shots "in," then later on you can innocently call an "in" shot "out" on a crucial play. Practice saying "Good try," sincerely; then you can call a lot of close shots "out" and get away with it. ~Theodor Saretsky

Speed in tennis is a strange mixture of intuition, guesswork, footwork and hair-trigger reflexes. Many of the players famed for quickness on court would finish dead last in a field of schoolgirls in a race over any distance more than ten yards. ~Eugene Scott

In tennis the addict moves about a hard rectangle and seeks to ambush a fuzzy ball with a modified snow-shoe. ~Elliot Chaze

It's difficult for most people to imagine the creative process in tennis. Seemingly it's just an athletic matter of hitting the ball consistently well within the boundaries of the court. That analysis is just as specious as thinking that the difficulty in portraying King Lear on stage is learning all the lines. ~Virginia Wade

It's one-on-one out there, man. There ain't no hiding. I can't pass the ball. ~Pete Sampras

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: transworldsurf.com

Surf Slang 4.3
Posted 04.22.2002

This month we employed our friend and surf-slang scientist Zachary Keenan to break down some of his strange language techniques. In order to keep your tight-knit crew of bros up to speed on the current state of affairs at your local beachbreak, you'll need to have some secret codes of surf slang that are so undercover, no one can figure out what your posse's program is all about.

It's all about the morphing technique, which involves using certain abbreviations of code words combined with others to make new ultra-deep-cave stealth code words and phrases.-C.C.

Zachismsfestival-Surf session.
Example: "Let's get the festival on before the wind comes up."

widgit-A fake turn on a crappy wave.
Example: "I'm not going out there! All I'm going to do is a widgit and end up hurting myself."

freight-train-liquid-vortex-Barrel.
Example: "We're straight out there! It's just freight-train-liquid-vortex world!"

Now morph "festival" with other surfisms to create stealth tactics:

nugfest-A session in fun wedging ramps at your local beach
Example: "Hey, don't tell anybody, but yesterday was a full nugfest at the spot, bro."

widgfest-A session in crappy waves where all you do are widgits.
Example: "I can't believe I went out this morning. It was just a complete widgfest."

kegfest-A sick session of perfect barrels.
Example: "Blacks was such a mental kegfest this morning, I couldn't believe it!"

time travel-Flying through the barrel.
Example: "I think Josh got a couple years younger after that last time travel, he was in there so long."

baby ramp out-A small air.
Example: "That guy had so much speed, I was expecting something big and all he did was a baby ramp out."

Manning slabs-Grace under pressure in heavy barrels.
Example: "Taj was just manning slabs at his secret West Oz reef break."


More Slang

creepy creedle mission-Lining up some girls.
Example: "I don't think I'm going to surf early tomorrow. It is all about the creepy creedle mission tonight!"

creedle into some sectors-Hang out with hot girls.
Ex: "Hey Matt, let's get the crew together tonight to creedle into some sectors."

Leads Channel-The guy who makes you think he's surfing by sitting in the channel, but never takes a wave.
Example: "Have you seen Robbie catch a wave yet? I haven't and I keep paddling by him in the Leads Channel."

Leads Check-The guy who leads you on that he's checking the surf, but never actually goes out or has a board in his car.
Example: "Is that Robbie in his car?" "Yeah, he must be doing another Leads Check."

seminar-gnar-A bro who drops into every filthy wave to show off for his friends.
Example: "Oh wow, man! This morning Matt Miller pulled into ten perfect barrels; he was putting on a seminar-gnar at 24th Street!"

Uggy-Like eggy, but a description of a dude violating the unwritten rule of never wearing Ugg boots in public.
Example: "I was so eggy this morning when the surf went flat, but now that Tom showed up in his Uggs I'm totally Uggy."


Broisms

Brogi Bear-The bro who always steals your lunch.
Example: "All I know is that I came in from my sesh and one of my bros was eating my lunch-he's a total Brogi Bear."

Bro J. Simpson-The bro who gets away with murder.
Example: "Dude, I totally snaked that big local and he didn't beat me up. I feel like Bro J. Simpson."

Bro Jackson-The bro who's good at everything.
Example: "Josh beat me in a heat yesterday and golf today. He's good at everything like Bro Jackson."

Brolice-Cops who surf.
Example: "Uh oh, Officer Frank's paddling over here 'cause I snaked that longboarder. He thinks he's the Brolice or something."

Fidel Castbro-The local who thinks he's so local he can act like a dictator.
Example: "Dude, I can't surf Five-Four, Joel might catch me and act like Fidel Castbro."

Mean Bro Green-The extra-large bro who's mean to everyone in the lineup.
Example: "Why's that big guy on the longboard groaning at me? Who does he think he is, Mean Bro Green?"

Shaquille Bro'Neal-Your bro who's really tall.
Example: "Who's that tall guy doing airs on the 6'8", he looks like Shaquille Bro'Neal."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: 275baseball.com

Image: upload.wikimedia.org

.

.

BASEBALL POEM

Baseball Is...

Baseball is grass, chalk, and dirt

displayed the same yet differently

In every park that has ever heard the words play ball.

Baseball is a passion that bonds and divides

all those who know it.

Baseball is a pair of hands stained with newsprint,

A set of eyes squinting to read a boxscore,

A brow creased in an attempt to recreate a

three-hour game

From an inch square block of type.

Baseball is the hat I wear to mow the lawn.

Baseball is a simple game of catch and

the never-ending search for the perfect knuckleball.

Baseball is Willie vs Mickey, Gibson vs Koufax,

and Buddy Biancalana vs the odds.

Baseball links Kansan and Missourian, American and Japanese.

Baseball is the scent of spring,

And the face of a 10-year-old emerging from a pile of bodies

With a worthless yet priceless foul ball.

Baseball is a language of very simple words that tell

unbelievably magic tales.

Baseball is three brothers in the same uniform

on the same team for one brief summer

Captured forever in a black and white photo

on a table by the couch.

Baseball is a glove on a shelf, oiled and tightly wrapped,

Slumbering through the stark winter months.

Baseball is a breast pocket bulging with a transistor radio.

Baseball is the reason there are transistor radios.

Baseball is a voice in a box describing men you've never met,

In a place you've never been,

Doing things you'll never have the chance to do.

Baseball is a dream that you never really give up on.

Baseball is precious.

Baseball is timeless.

Baseball is forever.

By: Greg Hall

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: yappi.com

Image: i13.ebayimg.com

.
BASEBALL QUOTES
(Baseball forum's choices for favorite baseball quotes)

“Son, what kind of pitch would you like to miss?”~ Dizzy Dean
(Pictured at right on a baseball card)

"I wish he (Hank Aaron) were still playing. I'd probably crack his head open to show him how valuable I was." Roger Clemens after Hank Aaron commented taht pitchers should not be allowed to win the MVP award.

"I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to chase it." -- Rogers Hornsby

A lot of coaches and parents have to be recovering cocaine addicts.They get any where near a white line and they go friggin crazy.I will let him remain anonymous (Texas Umpire)

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: giga-usa.com

BASEBALL QUOTES

It's the underground nuclear testing. Because of that, all gravity is leaving the earth. And so are the baseballs. - Jack Aker

My favorite umpire is a dead one. - Johnny Evers

Baseball is a game played by idiots for morons. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

A critic once characterized baseball as six minutes of action crammed into two-and-one-half hours. - Ray Fitzgerald

He's a legend in his own mind. - Greg Gross, referring to Larry Bowa

The practical joke is the psychiatry of baseball. - Ron Luciano, Strike Two

Any umpire who claims he has never missed a play is . . . well, an umpire. - Ron Luciano, The Umpire Strikes Back

The whole history of baseball has the quality of mythology. - attributed to Bernard Malamud

Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd,
Buy me some peanuts and cracker-jack--
I don't care if I never get back.
- Jack Norworth, Take Me Out to the Ball Game, a song

Baseball isn't a business, it's more like a disease. - Walter F. O'Malley

Football is to baseball as blackjack is to bridge. - Vin Scully

The best thing about baseball is that you can do something about yesterday tomorrow. - Manny Trillo

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: rodeolingo@everything2.com

Image: frc.edu

.
Rodeo Lingo


These terms were developed by cowboys during the era of the range cattle industry in northern Mexico and the western United States (1867-87). Some of the more common ones are listed below.


Arizona Nightingale: A burro or donkey.

Arizona Strawberries: Dried beans, usually pink in color.

Average: The aggregate or total score for each contestant at a rodeo with more than one go-round.

Bangtail: A horse.

Barking Squirrel: A prairie dog.

Batch of Crumbs: Bugs one might find in blankets.

Barrier: In rodeo a rope stretched across the front end of the box from which the roper's or steer wrestler's horse emerges. The barrier drops when the calf or steer achieves a predetermined head start.

Bean Master: A cook

Biting the Dust: Being thrown from a horse or a bull.

Beef Tea: Shallow water fouled by cattle.

Biscuit: A saddle horn.

Boiled Shirt/Fried Shirt: A white or stiff shirt.

Build a Loop: Prepare a lasso for a throw.

Buckaroo:A cowboy who does ranch work for a living. In contrast, a professional rodeo cowboy's occupation is rodeo competition.

Bull-Dogger:The slang term for a steer wrestler.

Burn the Breeze: Ride fast.

California Banknote: A cowhide used as currency.

Catawampously: Fiercely.

Cavvy-man: The one who looked after the horses.

Champion:The winner of the most money at any rodeo event.

Charlie Taylor: A makeshift butter made from molasses and fat.

Chuck Line Rider: A man out of work who rode from ranch to ran
ch for grub.

Community Loop: An extra large lasso noose.

Coonie: A dried cowhide used to hold equipment, fuel, etc., on a chuck wagon.

Cowboy Up: Get ready to ride. The term cowboy up possibly refers to the men behind the chutes who would bellow out cowboy-up! to the next cowboy getting ready to ride. It is the spirit of contribution, hard work and strong determination.

Cowjuice: Milk.

Crow Hops: Mild bucking motions.

Doofunnies: Knives and trinkets carried in pockets.

Dust: To move about quickly.

Fence Lifter/Goose Drownder/Gully Washer: Heavy rain.

Fixin' for High Riding: Preparing to depart quickly.

Flagman: The rodeo official who signals the end of time elapsed in timed events.

Flag Your Kite: Hurried departure.

Flannel Mouth: An overly talkative man or a boaster.

Forty Rod Lightning: Whiskey.

'Fraidy Hole: Cave or cellar.

Fumadiddle: Fancy dress.

Great Seizer: The sheriff.

Go-round: A round of rodeo competition.A rodeo in which each contestant competes once has one go-round.

Hay Waddy: Extra hand on a ranch used to cut hay.

Hazer; A cowboy who rides along beside a steer on the opposite side of the steer wrestler. His job is to keep the steer running in a straight line and close to the contestant's horse.

Hang-up: When a bull rider falls off the bull opposite his riding hand which becomes stuck or "hung-up" in his bull rope.

Hemp Fever: A hanging.

High Roller:A horse that leaps high into the air when bucking.

Hog: An expression bull-riders use to describe a large, unagile bull that is not considered a good draw.

Hooey: Slang term for nonsense, as in That's the biggest bunch of hooey I've ever heard! Also a half-hitch knot used to tie a calf's legs together in calf roping.

Hornswoggling: The movements of a cow, by which it threw off or evaded the rope.

Hurricane Deck: The back of a bucking horse.

Idaho Brain Storm: A dust devil.

Leavin' Cheyenne: Going away.

Life Preserver: A revolver.

Lincoln Shingles: Hard bread.

Lining His Flu: Refers to a man who is eating.

Loblolly: A muddy puddle.

Longhorned: Experienced.

Love Apples: Canned tomatoes.

Mother Hubbard Loop: A very large loop or lasso.

Oklahoma Rain: A dust or sand storm.

Overland Trout: Bacon.

Parade Chaps: A pair of chaps strictly for show. Might be worn for the grand entry parade at a rodeo.

Pepperbox: Coffee mill.

Pick-up Man: A mounted cowboy who helps bareback and saddle bronc riders off when the ride is completed and leads the horse out of the arena.

Pimple: An Eastern (or English) style saddle.

Pirooting: Fooling around.

Pulling Leather: When a bronc rider holds on to any part of the saddle, he is said to be "pulling leather." This disqualifies a saddle bronc rider if it is done before the eight-second ride is completed.

Quirly: A cigarette that is rolled by hand.

Rocky Mountain Canary: A burro.

Rowel: A small wheel with radiating points that form the extremity of a cowboy's spur.In rodeo, rowels are required to be free-wheeling and blunt.

Seeing Daylight: When the rider leaves the seat on a bucking horse.

Silk: Barbed wire.

Slick Heeled: A person not wearing spurs.

Trail Boss Lead cowboy of cattle drives.

Tenderfoot: What you are if you didn't know the meaning of Rodeo Lingo.

Turn Out: When a rider decides not to ride an animal he has drawn, or it is decided that he will be re-assigned to a different animal, the bull or horse is released from the chutes to make it easier to get the animal back into the pen.