FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bleacherreport.com

JOHN MCKAY

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NFL QUOTES

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"You want a messenger boy, call Western Union."
-Soon to be ex Detroit Lion running back Joe Don Looney said to head coach Harry Gilmer, who wanted him to carry a play into the quarterback

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"Never was man more aptly named."
-New York Jet wide receiver on Joe Don Looney

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"Vicodin and vodka the breakfast of champion's."
-Washington Redskin Head Coach George Allen on cutting defense tackle John "The Tooz" Matuszak

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"A plastic man really, actually no man at all."
-Duane Thomas on his head coach Tom Landry

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"He runs like a camel. A really pissed off camel."
-Baltimore Colt defensive tackle Art "Fatso" Donovan on quarterback Johnny Unita's running ability

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"The best way to die is to sit under a tree, eats lots of bologna and salami, drink a case of beer and blow up."
-Art Donovan on life

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"Well the frog men finally got Rosie."
-Donovan on death. Specifically Donovan informing Gino Marchetti of the mysterious drowning death of Baltimore Colt/Los Angles Ram owner Carroll Rosenblum.

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"Trade him for a six pack; it doesn't even have to be cold."
-Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Buddy Ryan on running back Earnest Jackson

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"Cap Boso? How could I cut a guy with a name like that?"
-Chicago Bears Coach Mike Ditka, slurring on booze a bit, about his back up tight end

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"George Halas throws nickels around like man hole covers."
-Chicago Bears tight end Mike Ditka on Bears owner George Halas

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"I'm broke and I'm back."
-Washington Redskins running back John Riggins, morning beer in hand, telling Coach Joe Gibbs his year long hold out was over

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"Come on Sandy, baby, loosen up, your too tight."
-John Riggins—inebriated and laying on the floor at a Washington Press club dinner—to Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor
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"Three or four plane crashes and we're in the playoffs."
-John McKay after his Buccaneers broke a 26-game losing streak

"That's unfortunate as I plan on attending all the games."
-John McKay when informed his kicker, Pete Rajecki, was nervous about McKay watching him in the preseason

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"Capece is kaput."
-McKay on cutting kicker Bill Capece after he missed a field goal and an extra point

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"He's not twins."
-McKay on the weaknesses of linebacker Hugh Green

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"Let me know if Cain is able."
-McKay on injured Atlanta Falcon running back Lynn Cain

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"It’s shattering when a player loses interest in camp. When you lost your interest in standing around eating steaks you lose everything."
-McKay on training camp

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"Emotion is highly overrated in football. My wife Corky is emotional as hell but can't play football worth a damn."
-McKay on emotion in football

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"We stunk. We blocked bad; we were terrible on defense and our kicking game made up for it by being absolutely horrible. I saw nothing that delighted me, we ran on the field fairly well."
-McKay after a game against the Minnesota Vikings

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"He's just jealous. You know what they say. Empty tin cans make the most noise, and he's an empty tin can. This game is between the Bears and the Eagles, not Ditka and Ryan. We all know who would win that one. Ditka, hands down."
-Mike Ditka on Buddy Ryan

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"That old fat man been talking a lotta stuff in Philadelphia, hasn't he?"
-Chicago Bear defensive tackle Steve McMichael on Buddy Ryan

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"Ten thousand bucks if ya knock him outta the game. I don't care if ya hit him with a whiskey bottle when he gets off the bus."
Steve McMichael on his offer to his teammates if they could remove San Francisco 49er quarterback Joe Montana from the 1988 NFC Championship game
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"I wouldn’t walk across the street to piss down Don Shula's throat if he was on fire."
-Colts quarterback Johnny Unitas on ex coach Don Shula

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“If me and King Kong went into an alley, only one of us would come out. And it wouldn't be the monkey.”
-Oakland Raider defensive end Lyle Alzado on King Kong

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"No. But I know I'm not gonna ask him for a ride to the airport."
-NFL announcer Tom Brookshier on being asked if he had any specific questions for 1980 presidential candidate Teddy Kennedy who was to appear for a half time interview. Brookshier thought he was off air but the live feed was constantly running in Senator Kennedy's box.

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"He knew who I was, at that time, because I had a reputation as a writer. I knew he was part of the Bush dynasty. But he was nothing, he offered nothing, and he promised nothing. He had no humor. He was insignificant in every way and consequently I didn't pay much attention to him. But when he passed out in my bathtub, then I noticed him. I'd been in another room, talking to the bright people. I had to have him taken away."
-Hunter Thompson on meeting George Bush at Super Bowl VII in Houston, Texas in 1974

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"It's like my ex-wife. 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me."
-Coach Jack Rose on his ex-wife

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: river-runners.org

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CANOEING QUOTES
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Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing- absolutely nothing- half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.
-- Water Rat From Wind in the Willows
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You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your element in each moment.
-- Henry David Thoreau
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Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. -- Sir J. Lubbock
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"Even at the very bottom of the river, I didn't think to myself, `is this a hearty joke or the merest accident'. I just thought, `it's wet'." -- Eeyore
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Christopher Robin came down from the Forest to the Bridge, feeling all sunny and careless, and just as if twice nineteen didn't matter a bit, as it didn't on such a happy afternoon, and he thought that if he stood on the bottom rail of the bridge, and leant over, and watched the river slipping slowly away beneath him, then he would suddenly know everything that there was to be known.
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"It's little Anxious," he said to himself, "to be a Very Small Animal Entirely Surrounded by Water. Christopher Robin and Pooh could escape by Climbing Trees, and Kanga could escape by Jumping, and Rabbit could escape by Burrowing, and Owl could escape by Flying, and Eeyore could escape by - by making a Loud Noise Until Rescued, and here am I, surrounded by water and I can't do anything." -- Piglet
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I think it much better that...every man paddle his own canoe -- Settlers in Canada
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Love many, trust a few, and always paddle your own canoe -- Bumper Sticker
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Anyone who tells you portaging is fun is either a liar, or crazy, or maybe both. -- Bill Mason
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Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll go canoeing -- Henry David Thoreau (? - unconfirmed )
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What sets a canoeing expedition apart is that it purifies you more rapidly and inescapably than any other travel. Travel a thousand miles by train and you are a brute; pedal five hundred on a bicycle and you remain basically a bourgeois; paddle a hundred in a canoe and you are already a child of nature. -- Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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"The first thing you must learn about canoeing is that the canoe is not a lifeless, inanimate object: it feels very much alive, alive with the life of the river. Life is transmitted to the canoe by currents of air and the water upon which it rides. The behaviour and temperament of a canoe is dependent upon the elements: from the slightest breeze to a raging storm, from the smallest ripple to a towering wave, or from a meandering stream to a thundering rapid. Anyone can handle a canoe in a quiet millpond, but in a rapids a canoe is like a wild stallion. It must be kept on a tight rein. The canoeist must take the canoe where he or she wants it to go, not where it wants to go. Given the chance, the canoe will dump you overboard and continue on down the river by itself." -- Bill Mason
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There is nothing that is so aesthetically pleasing and yet so functional and versatile as the canoe. -- Bill Mason
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The care of rivers is not a question of rivers, but of the human heart. -- Tanaka Shozo
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In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments - there are consequences. -- R. G. Ingersoll
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At times on quiet waters one does not speak aloud but only in whispers, for then all noise is sacrilege. -- Sigurd F. Olson
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Wilderness can be appreciated only by contrast, and solitude understood only when we have been without it. We cannot separate ourselves from society, comradeship, sharing and love. Unless we can contribute something from wilderness experience, derive some solace or peace to share with others, then the real purpose is defeated. -- Sigurd F. Olson
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To stick your hands into the river is to feel the cords that bind the earth together in one piece. -- Barry Lopez
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All the water that ever has been or ever will be is here now. It sits, it runs, it rises as mist. It evaporates and falls again as rain or snow. You cannot pollute a drop of water anywhere without eventually poisoning some distant place. -- Michael Furtman
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The song of the waters is audible to every ear, but there is other music in these hills, by no means audible to all. To hear even a few notes of it, you must first live here for a long time, and then you must know the speech of hills and rivers. Then of a still night, when the campfire is low and the Pleiades have climbed over the rimrocks , sit quietly and listen for a wolf to howl, and think hard of everything you have seen and tried to understand. Then you may hear it - a vast pulsing harmony - its score inscribed on a thousand hills, its notes the lives and deaths of plants and animals, its rhythms spanning the seconds and the centuries. -- Aldo Leopold
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Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever :
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Then sigh not so, but let them go
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny.
-- William Shakespeare - Much Ado About Nothing
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sportsgoblin.com

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SPORTS HUMOR

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Five signs you spend too much time on sports

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The closing of NFL Europe seriously freed up your schedule

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You bought a special cable/dish package so that you could watch more bowling

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You can name a Tour De France competitor that did not win and was not accused of doping

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You have a fantasy WNBA team

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You use a vacation day to stay home and follow the MLB draft

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: fanchatter.com

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SPORTS QUOTES
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I have cork in my arms --- Ted Williams after being accused of corking his bat.
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"Even his hair has muscles." - Lefty Grove on Jimmie Foxx
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Marvin Barnes: "...But when Marvin gets movin', And the crowd gets to groovin', For the Doctor a hospital bed they'll be reserving."
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Marvin "Bad News" Barnes, ABA, about Dr. J: "There once was a doctor named Erving, Whose slam dunks were especially unnerving..."
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A reporter once asked Rickey if he talked to himself, “Do I talk to myself? No, I just remind myself of what I’m trying to do.
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Ricky Henderson told teammates that his condo had such a great view that he could see, “The Entire State Building.?