FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: longballgame.com

SOCCER QUOTES
by Sportscaster John Motson

"And Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction"

"Nearly all the Brazilian supporters are wearing yellow shirts - it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour"

"That's an old Ipswich move - O'Callaghan crossing for Mariner to drive over the bar"

"Bruce has got the taste of Wembley in his nostrils"

"So different from the scenes in 1872, at the cup final none of us can remember"

"I was about to say before something far more interesting interrupted"

"There is still nothing on the proverbial scoreboard"

"It looks like a one man show here, although there are two men involved"

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: dailymail.co.uk

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Image: stevenbinks.co.uk

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They said it: Sporting quotes of the week

Last updated at 09:15 02 May 2008

"We have had (Luka) Modric there with Thierry Henry, Deco has been in for a meal..."
- Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan has tongue firmly in cheek when discussing the club's transfer targets.

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"If all else fails, we will have Mario Kart on the journey up - and there are always rows when that happens!"
- Midfielder Stephen Hunt reveals how Reading players have been dealing with the pressure of ahead of their crucial relegation clash at Wigan.

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"It must be necessary for a player to bring a gun and shoot one of our men in the box for us to get a penalty"
- Manchester United assistant boss Carlos Queiroz after Saturday's 2-1 defeat at Chelsea.

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"Are you not supposed to cut it before the game?"
- Sir Alex Ferguson questions why Chelsea were so keen to cut the grass following the match, when a brawl broke out between ground staff and United substitutes.

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"I'm not used to being banged up. It's something that I've got to get used to should there be a future in the sport"
- A battered and bruised Dwain Chambers after his rugby league debut for Castleford reserves.

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"We have this semi-final, then a home game on Saturday (against West Ham) and a game against Wigan away - disaster!"
- Sir Alex Ferguson gives a sarcastic retort to the doubters ahead of Manchester United's Champions League semi-final against Barcelona.

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"I'll be getting my Bentley GT convertible now, I've been dying to get one"
- Ronnie O'Sullivan after hitting his third World Championship maximum of 147, which put him on course for a potential £157,000 bonus.

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"Is that all it is, 150,000? It's getting less!"
- O'Sullivan feels his feat deserved better.

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"If it's Liverpool, we'll get more tickets. I think Abramovich has bought them all!"
- Sir Alex Ferguson names his preferred Champions League final opponents following Manchester United's 1-0 win over Barcelona.

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"I'm going to buy a Ford Focus convertible, I've been dying to get one!"
- Ali Carter after following up O'Sullivan's maximum with one of his own, earning a share of the bonus and possibly scuppering the Bentley plans.

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"Drogba is a fantastic player, that is clear, but he falls down too easily"
- Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez criticises Chelsea's Didier Drogba ahead of their Champions League semi-final second leg.

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"Ronnie is the best player in the world at the moment, right-handed, left-handed, one-legged, one-armed, whatever you want"
- Stephen Hendry ahead of his 888.com World Championship semi-final against Ronnie O'Sullivan.

"I wouldn't say I've been lying in my bed dreaming of tipping a penalty around the post because my wife would kill me"
- Rangers goalkeeper Neil Alexander on the possibility of a penalty shoot-out in the UEFA Cup semi-final against Fiorentina.

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"There will not be any in-depth talks just before the game. You can bombard players but their attention span is not the highest at the best of times"
- Birmingham manager Alex McLeish reveals he will not be over-complicating his team talk ahead of their crucial relegation decider against Fulham.

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"My ribs, elbow and chest were so bruised I could have been confused for Bernard Hopkins in Las Vegas!"
- Somerset captain Justin Langer is convinced Andrew Flintoff is ready for England duty after facing a bombardment from the Lancashire bowler.

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"It's my favourite game - forget this lark!"
- Colin Montgomerie admits cricket is his first love.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: tvnz.co.nz

SPORTS QUOTES

That's what they offered to pay for me - I didn't ask for it." A bewildered Andrew Symonds after he fetched $1.47 million at the player auction for the Indian Premier League.
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"I was a little bit disappointed. I thought I might have been able to attract a little bit more than that." Australian captain Ricky Ponting , who went for $436,000.
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"I have never seen anything so riveting and so absorbing and so exciting even on the field. It's amazing drama." Former Indian Board president Inderjit Singh Bindra on the money on display at the IPL auction.
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"It's pretty hard to go and talk to the rest of the guys and tell them to get their heads down when I can't get any (runs) myself." Ricky Ponting on his flagging form in the tri-series.
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"I just felt electric and just felt like my muscles were firing." Ramon Sullivan on how he felt before breaking the men's 50m freestyle world record.
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"There was no conflict or animosity at all." "Lay Down" Sally Robbins , on the reception she got from her fellow rowers at the Olympic selection trials in Sydney.
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"I think we must have been about 14 or 15 and we used to say `Dad, what's that guy doing? He's running like a fairy with his ponytail sticking up, so it was quiet funny." Newcastle Jets star striker Joel Griffiths poking fun at how his coach Gary Van Egmond used to look in his playing days.
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"I advised him that if he made another run that he might not run so freely the next time." Van Egmond returns serve, referring to a time he and Griffiths actually played against each other 10 years ago.
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"There's no stop-start, the essence of what rugby is, any more." Springboks winger Bryan Habana on the experimental laws in Super 14.
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"I'm pretty sure he'll get there even if he has to kayak there." Acting Waratahs coach Todd Louden on whether he thinks Ewen McKenzie will make it across the ditch for the Chiefs clash, after having a kidney stone removed on Thursday.
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"I think I'm a better bunker player than that." Greg Norman after taking three to get out a bunker he designed himself during a PGA tournament in Mexico.
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"If you go out to a bar and try to chase women they never come - you go out on a golf course and try to chase birdies and they never come." Sydney golfer Ewan Porter's mantra for the Moonah Classic.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: espn.go.com

Quotes about Fenway Park

"When they raze Fenway, it'll be like cutting down an old tree. Count the rings. There's one for each celebration and heartache suffered by Red Sox fans."
--Dan Shaughnessy, Fenway
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"I can't wait to see the new park when it's done. I want Boston to have the best. If any city needed a new park, it's Boston. I won't shed a tear."
--Ted Williams, redsox.com
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"I came to love Fenway. It was a place that rejuvenated me after a road trip; the fans right on top of you, the nutty angles. And the Wall. That was my baby, the left-field wall, the Green Monster."
--Carl Yastrzemski, Red Sox Hall of Famer
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"The Green Monster cost me 10 home runs a year, maybe 20. Those are the number of line drives that I hit that went off the Wall and would have been home runs in other parks. I don't remember the Wall giving me any."
--Jim Rice, former Red Sox slugger
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"I always watched these parks on TV when I was a kid. Now that I'm here, I've learned so much the last couple of days. I didn't know there was a ladder out there in left field. I didn't know that ... I didn't know that the park was tucked inside a neighborhood."
--Tony Gwynn, San Diego Padres, after his first trip to Fenway for the 1999 All-Star Game
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"[Fenway Park] is a great place. It's baseball, and it's going to be sad to think that they're going to make a new one here. It's hard to think they can't redo this in a way where they can make it more comfortable."
--Mark McGwire, St. Louis Cardinals
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"Fenway is the essence of baseball."
--Tom Seaver, Hall of Famer
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"It comes back to why the ballparks matter to us -- because exactly comparable people played a comparable game in this ballpark for generation after generation."
--George Will
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"The Sox, one feels were ever touched with tragedy. But, lord, have they ever played in a beautiful ballpark. ... The beauty that is Fenway is something to behold. Go out on a bright, warm day in early summer, or a clear, crisp day in early fall, and you'll see a sight you'll never forget. The greenest green in creation sparkling beneath a perfect blue sky. 'How God meant baseball to be played,' John Pesky said to me once upon a time."
--John Anderson, Boston Magazine
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"Let me get this straight. We're bulldozing real vintage ballparks like Tiger Stadium and Fenway Park to put up fake vintage ballparks?"
--Rick Reilly, Sports Illustrated

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: icelebz.com

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Image: i2.iofferphoto.com
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NFL QUOTES

by Lawrence Taylor

All you can do is put your story out there enough times and hope that a couple will understand that no matter what type of athlete you are - there were no athletes better than I was, there was no one who had more going for him than I did, there was no athlete stronger mentally than I was.

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And I tell ya, when I sit in that sound booth and started reading the script and starting to get into the character, man, it's an easy jump for me, because I understand what it's all about.

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And once you cross over into that world, no matter how strong you are, you have to pay the price.

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As players, we always have a way to get back at you.

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Cocaine is totally different than steroids.

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Drugs and cocaine, you cheat yourself more than you cheat other people, you deprive yourself from being the best you can be.

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I guess another message I'd like to say with this book is no matter how many times you fail... I failed a lot of times trying to get clean, and never thought I'd get to this point.

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I'll tell you, there were only a few games in my career where I was totally oblivious to everything around me, where I was in the zone.

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If I'm going to break them, I'm going to break them both.

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If they play dirty, then you play dirty.

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In football, you can always maim a person if you wanted to.

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LT was just a wilder person. I don't go that route no more.

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Most of the games don't let you focus too much on the cheerleaders, but I've been watching these girls.

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People get hurt all the time in the game of football, it's part of what we do.

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Steroids are for guys who want to cheat opponents.

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Steroids to me, maybe it will make you bigger and stronger in football, but will it help you hit a baseball? I don't think so.

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Taking them out of the picture, so to speak, what football really is, the savagery, the core root of football, it doesn't change. It really puts the real in football.

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The NFL, and I've played a lot of years for them, and they have a lot of restrictions on their players, they have restrictions on their licensees, they have restrictions on everything.

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The problem is that everyone needs to know what is banned, what is not banned. These are players, not chemists.

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There were probably about five games in my career where everything was moving in slow motion and you could be out there all day, totally in the zone, and you don't even know where you are on the field, everything is just totally blocked out.

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They would almost throw the cops in jail when they tried to arrest me.

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You can take a substance that works in your system, but then you take this over here that's not banned, and this over here that's not banned, but if you mix them together, you've got a banned substance in your system.

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You can't tell them anything, but hopefully they will learn from the example and won't have to go through it.

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You have to pay a price and a lot of people, like myself, have to learn the hard way.

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You try to stay within the rules for the sake of the game, but you can always turn up the intensity.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: chicagotribune.com

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Image: affiliate.viator.com
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WRESTLING HUMOR
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Assault with ladle costs sumo wrestler
May 30, 2008

A veteran sumo wrestler in Tokyo who attacked a junior grappler with a cooking instrument has been ordered to take a salary cut for his violent outburst.

Toyozakura, whose ladle-wielding assault left the 18-year-old victim bleeding and needing eight stitches, will take a 30 percent pay cut for three months, Japanese sumo officials said on Thursday.

The same punishment was meted out to gym chief Magaki for beating a junior wrestler with a bamboo sword in the latest in a series of incidents that has tarnished sumo's image.

Toyozakura, 34, apologized after admitting he used a ladle to hit the apprentice on the head.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: news.bbc.co.uk

SPORTS QUOTES - 2004

Right now, everything is going wrong for me - if I fell in a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb! QPR boss Ian Holloway leaves it late in a bid to retain his quote of the year title.
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It was deliberate. I am sure some people think that I have not got the brains to be that clever, but I do have the brains. England brainbox David Beckham on his decision to intentionally get himself booked in the World Cup qualifier against Wales.
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Why are you always in red? Is it your lucky colour? Local journalist to Formula One star Michael Schumacher before inaugural Chinese Grand Prix.
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When he blows his nose his eye bulges and that's usually a pretty sure sign Bath coach John Connolly with a charming description of Zak Fea'unati's suspected fractured eye socket.
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I used to be called 'the whippet' 30-stone Andy Fordham
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Any old Irons?
Will the owner of a horse attached to a rag and bone cart in the visitors' car park return to his vehicle immediately Cardiff City PA announcer Ali Yassin welcomes West Ham to Ninian Park.
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I don't know if I'm still The Rocket - perhaps I'm more like Thomas the Tank Engine these days!Snooker world champion Ronnie O'Sullivan on slowing down his game.
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I know I can't go on forever - how can I forget it when my so-called team-mates keep asking me which king was on the throne when I started and what football was like in the Dark Ages! Bolton's veteran striker Les Ferdinand.
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That's what children do - throw food. That's not fighting. We were real men. We'd have chinned themGeorge Best gives his considered opinion on the Old Trafford tunnel fracas between Arsenal and Manchester United.
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Mourinho shows off his charms
I like visiting Silverstone - it's a reminder of what racing was like in the 1950s. F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone has a dig at Silverstone - just for a change.
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The PGA of America made a wise and smart decision appointing you as the captain of the US Ryder Cup team Bernhard Langer to Hal Sutton at the Ryder Cup opening ceremony. USA went on to suffer their heaviest loss in the competition's 77-year history.
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I should have caught it...I saw it coming all the way, but it bounced out of my hand and ended up in the lap of Michael Vaughan's mum Andrew Flintoff's dad, Colin, after dropping a huge six his son had clattered into the stands against the West Indies at Edgbaston.
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He plays at the weekend and comes home every week telling me what a great catch he has taken. But I think he has now proved to everyone that he is terrible. I'll have a go at him later!Flintoff junior gives his assessment of the situation.
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You never know who you'll walk into in a busy street Sir Alex Ferguson refuses to rule out signing Wayne Rooney - or whoever else he might happen to bump into.
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If I wanted to have an easy job... I would have stayed at Porto - beautiful blue chair, the Uefa Champions League trophy, God, and after God, me Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho makes a mockery of those who suggest he is big-headed.
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The skirts look like they're a little difficult to run in. I think they need to be shorter, maybe Andre Agassi gives his verdict on the model ball girls at the Madrid Masters
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I threw the kitchen sink at him but he went to the bathroom and threw back the tub!Beaten Wimbledon finalist Andy Roddick on his conqueror Roger Federer

BRIAN CLOUGH SECTION
Football legend Clough dies Stars pay tribute to Clough They caress a football the way I dreamed of caressing Marilyn Monroe The late footballing icon gives his verdict on Arsenal after they beat Nottingham Forest's unbeaten record.
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When I joined, he came walking down the corridor and said 'Ah, you must be Edward Sheringham'. I told him I was, but that I preferred to be called Teddy. He said 'OK, welcome to the club, Edward' Teddy Sheringham remembers his first meeting with the great man.
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SIR BOBBY ROBSON SECTION
Now, what am I doing here again?
In the first half he took a corner, a poor corner which hit the first defender, and it took him 17 minutes to get back to the half-way lineThe former Newcastle boss on Laurent Robert - the world's slowest player, apparently.
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He's the only man I know who could start an argument with himself On Craig Bellamy
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I didn't want to be known as the man who shot Bambi Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd on sacking Robson
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CHANTS OF THE YEAR
Strawberry blond - you're having a laugh QPR fans to Cardiff's ginger-haired defender James Collins.
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You only score in a brothel Welsh fans to Wayne Rooney.