FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sigecom.net

BASEBALL QUOTES

The three best Bob Hamelin lines:

(1) ''The Red Sox replaced Mo Vaughn's on-base percentage with Jose Offerman, and now they've signed Hamelin to fill his uniform'';

(2) ''Hamelin and Rich Garces made the Top 10 list of players who would look good in a Santa Claus suit'';

(3) From an NL scout's actual report: ''His best tool is his fork.''

Pirates left fielder Al Martin went into the third row in foul territory to make a highlight catch. Earlier in the season, right fielder Turner Ward ran through a wooden fence to make another highlight catch. Which was better? ``His was an aerodynamic pirouette,'' said Ward. ``Mine was brutal stupidity.''

"There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither one of them works." Charlie Lau

"The toughest thing for me as a young manager is that a lot of my players saw me play. They know how bad I was." Tony LaRussa 1983

"You know Earl. He's not happy unless he's not happy." Elrod Hendricks on Earl Weaver

" The right fielder has to be very careful when a fight breaks out and the benches empty. He's always got his back to the enemy bullpen."Seattle right fielder, Mike Hegan 1969

"No matter how long a man remains in baseball he always hankers and looks forward to opening days, and beleive you me, it takes a young player a long, long time to get over those opening day butterflies and discover finally that he really is an old pro." Tommy Henrich 1959

"I don't do it for money. The longer I stay away from training camp, the less chance I have of being hit by a fly ball." Babe Herman on reporting late

"Baseball has been good to me since I quit trying to play it." Whitey Herzog

"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo." Al Hrabosky

"Well fellers, I found a way to get that dude out." Bill Hubbell as a pitcher for the Phils after a Rogers Hornsby line drive caromed off his forehead and was caught by third baseman Russ Wrightstone.

"It's always the same, Combs walks, Koenig singles. Ruth hits one out of the park. Gerhig doubles, Lazzeri triples. Then Dugan goes in the dirt on his can." Joe Dugan

"Whenever I see a batter digging a hole with his back foot I want to come off the mound and tell him not to bother. He's only gonna have to dig himself a new hole after my next pitch." Dave Garcia 1956

"He's even tempered. He comes to the ballpark mad and he stays that way." Joe Garagiola on Rick Burlson

"It was impossible to watch him at bat without experiencing an emotion. I have seen hundreds of ballplayers at the plate, and none of them managed to convey the message of impending doom to a pitcher that Babe Ruth did with the cock of his head, the postion of his legs and the little gentle waving of the bat, feathered in his two big paws." Paul Gallico, sportswriter, on Babe Ruth

"He has muscles in his hair." Lefty Gomez describing Jimmie Foxx

"He's in a rut. Gehringer goes two for five on Opening Day and stays that way all season." Lefty Gomez on Charlie Gehringer

"I don't want to throw him nothin'. Maybe he'll just get tired of waitin' and leave." Lefty Gomez to catcher, Bill Dickey on what pitch to throw to Jimmie Foxx

"When you win, you eat better, sleep better and your beer tastes better. And your wife looks like Gina Lollobrigida." Red Sox manager, Johnny Pesky, 1963

"That last one sounded kinda high to me." Babe Ruth questioning an umpire after three fast pitches he failed to see.

"When I negotiated Bob Stanley's contract with the Red Sox, we had statistics demonstrating he was the third-best pitcher in the league. They had a chart showing he was the sixtyth-best pitcher on the Red Sox." Bob Woolf, agent

"If you get to one base and you see the ball on the ground in the outfield, run like hell to the next base." Zoilo Versalles on running bases

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: soccernews.com

SPORTS INSULTS

Soccer

Managers say the funniest things!

May 4, 2008

During a frenzied and crucial weekend of football I thought I would take a look at the lighter side of the game on this Sunday morning.

After West Ham were booed off the field recently by their own fans following their 2-1 win over Derby, Derby boss Paul Jewell was asked if his side had ever been booed after winning. He replied, "I don't know, I'd like the chance to find out!"

This made me chuckle and I decided to look at some other witty quotes made by managers in good times and bad. The job of a football manager is full of stress and pressure, but it is amazing how well some of them manage to keep a sense of humour.

Here's a selection of my favourites:

"That's great, tell him he is Pele and get him back on." Partick Thistle manager John Lambie, when told a concussed striker didn't know who he was.

"He invented the banana shot. Trouble was, he was trying to shoot straight." Ron Atkinson on Villa's Dennis Jackson.

"Only if there is an outbreak of the bubonic plague." Italian manager Giovanni Trapattoni when asked if he would be selecting Paulo Di Canio.

"He floats like a butterfly and stings like one." Brian Clough on Trevor Brooking.

"We're going to start the game at 0-0 and go out and try to get some goals." Wise words from Bryan Robson.

"Somebody compared him to Billy McNeil, but I don't remember Billy being crap.' Tommy Docherty on Lorenzo Amoruso.

"I can't imagine him jumping for a ball, one of his eye lashes might come out." George Graham on Tomas Brolin.

"I rang Alex Ferguson and asked if he would swap Collymore for Cole. He thought about it for a few seconds then asked, "How many bags?" John Gregory being cruel about Stan Collymore.

"When he was carried off someone asked me if he was unconscious. I didn't have a clue, that's what he's always like." Gordon Strachan on Claus Lundekvam.

"He covers every blade of grass, but that's just because his first touch is crap." Dave Jones on 'England International!' Carlton Palmer.

"Robert said I was picking the wrong team. At the time I was, because he was in it." Bobby Robson about Laurent Robert.

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." Ron Atkinson.

"I wouldn't say I'm the best manager but I'm in the top one." Brian Clough.

"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today but we've pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee." Ian Holloway after 'winning ugly'.

"We are on top at the moment but not because of the club's financial power. We are in contention for a lot of trophies because of my hard work." Jose Mourinho, presumably trying to be funny!

"When an Italian says it's pasta I check under the sauce to make sure. They are innovators of the smokescreen." Sir Alex Ferguson.

"How can you tell your wife you are just popping out to play a match and then not come back for five days?" Rafa Benitez talking about Test Cricket.

"I think in the future we need to look at our youth department to provide more players for the first team. I think it is important for a club to have a good amount of players that have roots with the club and region." Arsene Wenger…well, it made me laugh!

'And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley - unless somebody knocks us out.' Dave Bassett.

"Anybody who is thinking of applying for the Scotland job in the next eight or nine years should go get themselves checked out by about 15 psychiatrists." Martin O'Neill.

"I would buy some bad players, get the sack and then retire to Cornwall" Then Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock when asked what he would do if he was manager of city rivals Sheffield Wednesday.