FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: neowin.net

SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND FRIEND

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SPORTS QUOTES

"David Cone is in a class by himself with three or four other players." --George Steinbrenner, on his ace pitcher

"You mean the great home-run hitter?" --The late N.J. Net Yinka Dare, asked about Beirut

"My grandmother told me it was good for colds." --Outfielder Kevin Mitchell on why he eats Vick's VapoRub

"That was the nail that broke the coffin's back." --Basketball coach Jack Kraft, after his star player fouled out

"Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!" Frank Carson.

"Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris." Oscar Wilde.

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height." Woody Allen.

"If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else." Gordon Sinclair.

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down." Rita Rudner.

"Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night." Peter Ustinov.

"In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete." Yakov Smirnoff.

"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him." Jeffrey Bernard.

"Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint." Billy Connolly.

"We've lost seven of our last eight matches. The only team that we have beaten is Western Samoa. It's a good job we didn't play the whole of Samoa." Gareth Davies.

When I started racing motor bikes, I always got told: "If you dont need to use your brakes, you're not going fast enough"

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: majorsportyunited.com

GOLF QUOTES
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Lee Trevino
The meek will inherit the earth but they won't make the green in two
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Steve Ryder
Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69
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Seve Ballesteros
In the United States I'm lucky; in Europe I'm good
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Arnold Palmer
Golf is deceptively simple, endlessly complicated. A child can play it well and a grown man can never master it. It is almost a science, yet it is a puzzle with no answer
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Lee Trevino
They say ' Trevino is wondering whether to play a five or a six iron to the green', when all the time I'm gazing at some broad in the third row of the gallery wondering where my wife is
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Walter Hagen
I never wanted to be a millionaire I just wanted to live like one

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: expectingrain.com

SPORTS QUOTES
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"Let's see some son of a bitch break that record" Babe Ruth, Fall 1927
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"And it's the two East German girls that cross the Rhine first" - David Coleman, calling a 100m hurdles.
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RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992 "He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
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John Arlott "Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"
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Ian McNail "We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized"
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David Vine "Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
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Radio 1: Simon Bates: "So your name's Mohammed? That's one of the most popular Christian names in the world."
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One more Colemanballs (on an Olympic 100m freestyle): `And this boy swims like a greyhound!'
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Chris Eubank, replying to "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?": "On what ?"
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"A very small crowd here today. I can count the people on one hand. Can't be more than 30." - Michael Abrahamson, SABC.
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"Welcome to Worcester where we have just seen Barry Richards hit one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground." - Brian Johnston

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: expectingrain.com

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SPORTS ANECDOTES
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Carl Spangler...
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking.
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So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga.
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So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know."
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And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."
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So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
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When the Jays won the world series the commentator said "touch 'em all, Joe", which has a nice ring to it, after Joe Carter hit the winning home run.
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Later, I saw a show and the commentator, forget his name, said he was being literal, as if Joe could hear him. He really meant make sure to touch all of the bases because Joe was jumping and dancing and waving his arms.
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"I foresee the Chinese ruling the world. What are you going to do to stop it? No president of the United States will ever have enough power to stop the Chinese when they want to take over the world."
-Evel Knievel
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: expectingrain.com

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SOCCER QUOTES
Brian Clough Speaks!
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"If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he'd have put grass up there" - On the importance of passing the ball to feet.
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"I only ever hit Roy the once. He got up so I couldn't have hit him very hard" - On dealing with Roy Keane.
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"At last England have appointed a manager who speaks English better than the players" - On the appointment of Sven-Goran Eriksson.
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"I'm sure the England selectors thought if they took me on and gave me the job, I'd want to run the show. They were shrewd because that's exactly what I would have done" - On not getting the England manager's job.
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"Players lose you games, not tactics. There's so much crap talked about tactics by people who barely know how to win at dominoes" - On England's exit from Euro 2000.
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"The Derby players have seen more of his balls than the one they're meant to be playing with" - On a streaker who once interrupted a Derby County-Manchester United match.
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"Manchester United in Brazil? I hope they all get bloody diarrhoea" - On Manchester United's decision to opt out of the FA Cup to play in the World Club Championship in 2000.
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"For all his horses, knighthoods and championships, he hasn't got two of what I've got. And I don't mean balls" - Referring to Sir Alex Ferguson's failure to win two successive European Cups.
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"I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball? He might grab mine" - On the influx of foreign players.
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"I like my women to be feminine, not sliding into tackles and covered in mud" - On women and football.
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"Anybody who can do anything in Leicester but make a jumper has got to be a genius" - His tribute to Martin O'Neill, who used to manage Leicester City.
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"That Seaman is a handsome young man but he spends too much time looking in his mirror rather than at the ball. You can't keep goal with hair like that" - On the pony-tailed former England goalkeeper David Seaman.
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"If a chairman sacks the manager he initially appointed, he should go as well" - Saying that too many managers lose their jobs.
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"I thought it was my next-door neighbour because I think she felt that if I got something like that I would have to move" - Guessing who nominated him for a knighthood.
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"Who the hell wants 14 pairs of shoes when you go on holiday? I haven't had 14 pairs in my life" - On the contents of Victoria Beckham's missing luggage.
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"He should guide Posh in the direction of a singing coach because she's nowhere near as good at her job as her husband" - Advice for David Beckham.
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"Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive" - After the liver transplant which saved his life.
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"I want no epitaphs of profound history and all that type of thing. I contributed. I would hope they would say that, and I would hope somebody liked me." - On being remembered

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: expectingrain.com

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BASEBALL QUOTES

Bill "Spaceman" Lee Speaks!

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"People are too hung up on winning. I can get off on a really good helmet throw."

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"The more self-centered and egotistical a guy is, the better ballplayer he's going to be."

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"Most of the managers are lifetime .220 hitters. For years pitchers have been getting these managers out 75% of the time and that's why they don't like us."

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"You take a team with twenty-five as-sholes and I'll show you a pennant. I'll show you the New York Yankees."

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"I'm mad at Hank (Aaron) for deciding to play one more season. I threw him his last home run and thought I'd be remembered forever. Now, I'll have to throw him another."

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"If it had been me out there, I'd had bitten him his ear off. I'd have Van Gogh'ed him."

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“When cerebral processes enter into sports, you start screwing up. It's like the Constitution, which says separate church and state. You have to separate mind and body.”

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"The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything."

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"You have two hemispheres in your brain - a left and a right side. The left side controls the right side of your body and right controls the left half. It's a fact. Therefore, left-handers are the only people in their right minds."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: jordoncooper.com

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BASEBALL QUOTES

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There is an old Scottish proverb that says, 'I am wounded but I am not slain. I shall lay me down and bleed a while, then I shall rise and fight again.' That should be the feeling of all of the Yankees. - Owner George Steinbrenner (after losing the ALDS in 2002)

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I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. - Tom Clark
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Here is one place where caste is lost. Ragamuffins and velvet-breeched, white-collar boys stand in that equality which augurs well for the future of the stars and stripes. Dainty clothes are no bar to the game if their owner is not afraid to soil them. - Zane Grey

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Every player, in his secret heart, wants to manage someday. Every fan, in the privacy of his mind, already does. - Leonard Koppett

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Good fielding and pitching, without hitting, or vice versa, is like Ben Franklin's half pair of scissors - ineffectual. - Moe Berg

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Playing without the fundamentals is like eating without a knife and fork. You make a mess. - Dick Williams

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When you think about it, a home run is a mistake. The idea is to hit the ball hard, on a line, so the defense can't react to it. Hit it high in the air, which is how most home runs are hit, and most of the time it will be caught. It's a mistake. - Matt Williams

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Love America and hate baseball? Hate America and love baseball? Neither is possible, except in the abstract. - John Krich

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Any time you think you have the game conquered the game will turn around and punch you right in the nose. - Mike Schmidt

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The majority of American males put themselves to sleep by striking out the batting order of the New York Yankees. - James Thurber

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Back then, my idol was Bugs Bunny, because I saw a cartoon of him playing ball - you know, the one where he plays every position himself with nobody else on the field but him? Now that I think of it, Bugs is still my idol. You have to love a ballplayer like that. - Nomar Garciaparra

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Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.- Will Rogers

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Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. - Yogi Berra

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: fray.slate.com

BASEBALL POEM

Baseball Canto

Watching baseball, sitting in the sun, eating popcorn, reading Ezra Pound,and wishing that Juan Marichal would hit a hole right through the Anglo-Saxon tradition in the first Canto and demolish the barbarian invaders.

When the San Francisco Giants take the field and everybody stands up for the National Anthem, with some Irish tenor's voice piped over the loudspeakers, with all the players struck dead in their places and the white umpires like Irish cops in their black suits and little black caps pressed over their hearts, Standing straight and still like at some funeral of a blarney bartender, and all facing east, as if expecting some Great White Hope or the Founding Fathers to appear on the horizon like 1066 or 1776.

But Willie Mays appears instead, in the bottom of the first,and a roar goes up as he clouts the first one into the sun and takes off, like a footrunner from Thebes.

The ball is lost in the sun and maidens wail after him as he keeps running through the Anglo-Saxon epic.

And Tito Fuentes comes up looking like a bullfighter in his tight pants and small pointy shoes. And the right field bleechers go made with Chicanos and blacks and Brooklyn beer-drinkers, "Tito! Sock it to him, sweet Tito!"

And sweet Tito puts his foot in the bucket and smacks one that don't come back at all, and flees around the bases like he's escaping from the United Fruit Company.

As the gringo dollar beats out the pound. And sweet Tito beats it out like he's beating out usury, not to mention fascism and anti-semitism.

And Juan Marichal comes up, and the Chicano bleechers go loco again, as Juan belts the first ball out of sight, and rounds first and keeps going and rounds second and rounds third, and keeps going and hits paydirt to the roars of the grungy populace.

As some nut presses the backstage panic button for the tape-recorded National Anthem again, to save the situation.

But it don't stop nobody this time, in their revolution round the loaded white bases, in this last of the great Anglo-Saxon epics, in the territorio libre of Baseball.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti