SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Thursday, April 10, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: homepage.eircom.net

SPORTS QUOTES

I am always amazed when I hear people saying that sport creates goodwill between nations, and that if only the common peoples of the world could meet one another at football or cricket, they would have no inclination to meet on the battlefield. Even if they didn't know from concrete examples (the 1936 Olympics, for instance) that international sporting contests lead to orgies of hatred, one could deduce it from general principles... At the international level sport is frankly mimic warfare.
        - George Orwell, "The Sporting Spirit" (14 December 1945)

We're not giving away any football players who could hurt us later. I don't mind people thinking I'm stupid, but I don't want to give them any proof.
        - Bum Phillips, Houston Oilers coach

In Texas in the 1960s college basketball teams had been integrated, but there was an "informal rule" that you never played more than one black player at home, two on the road or three if you were behind. After Texas Western won the 1966 NCAA championship with an all-black team on the court, defeating an all-white Kentucky team coached by the legendary Adolph Rupp, the rules were rewritten.
        - Roger Ebert, from his review of "Glory Road"

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

- PlatoThe genius of the British lends itself not so much to the winning of games as to their invention. An astonishing number of international games were invented by the British, who, whenever they are surpassed by other nations, coolly invent another one which they can dominate for a while by being the only ones to know the rules... children in British schools are taught to lose gracefully, often at the expense of winning. The real encounter is won in the changing room after the event, in which the extraordinary grace of the loser makes the victory seem hollow and even vaguely indecent to the winner.
        - Peter Ustinov, "Dear Me"

Nothing reveals so much about us as how we play the games we play.

- Q, Star Trek"Why should a player be denied the sheer pleasure and release of smashing his own expensive racket into pieces occasionally?"
        - Peter Ustinov on Wimbledon

Jimmy Connors has unleashed his new tactic, the Early Grunt. Now he has taken to grunting loudly at the instant of hitting the ball instead of just afterwards... Since the grunt travels at the speed of sound, it arrives in the opponent's court marginally before the ball does. Ordinary opponents try to hit the grunt. Borg was not fooled. Indeed he quickly developed a Swedish counter-grunt.
        - Clive James, in "The Crystal Bucket"

Gabriela Sabatini looks like a human racehorse, a (successful) experiment in genetico-aesthetics... Her beauty alone scares the life out of her opponents—because tennis is above all an expression of personal power and, in the women's game, is closely bound up with how a player looks, and how she feels she looks.
        - Martin Amis

Pierce, the ninth seed, never was one for trench warfare. Rather like Nato forces she prefers to do battle from a safe distance, demoralising her rivals with baseline Exocets. But she was routed by Dokic's carefully constructed guerilla campaign.
        - Paul Weaver, "The Guardian"

"It was like an alien abduction out there. Someone invaded his body and turned him into the greatest volleyer in the universe."
        - Jim Courier, stunned after losing to Tim Henman at Wimbledon

Let's talk about cricket. It is the world's most mysterious game, and the world's slowest. The commentators speak a language that appears to be English except that all the nouns mean something else. There is aimless running about in a way that makes baseball seem dangerously athletic... Leg before wicket! Well-bowled! Bowling is what they call pitching; the "pitch", on the other hand, is the actual field.
        - Jon Carroll, an American stranded in London, "San Francisco Chronicle"

England were at once worn out but underprepared; complacent yet overapprehensive; inward-looking yet dysfunctional as a unit; closeted yet distracted.
        - Matthew Engel, as England throw away the Ashes against Australia, "FT"

"They were so frightening, you even watched the TV highlights from behind the sofa."
        - England batsman Keith Fletcher, about the West Indies fast bowling attack in the 1980s

"The Empire Strikes Back."
        - Nike advert in the Telegraph after England beat Australia in the Rugby WC Final

"Like a sweet-natured version of the Nuremburg rally."
        - The Times describe the parade in honour of the all conquering English rugby team

When they ran on to the field it was like watching a tribe of white orcs on steroids.
        - Michael Laws, New Zealand sports columnist, describing the English rugby team

Paris hasn't witnessed anything this ugly since Charles Laughton starting ringing the bells on top of Notre Dame Cathedral.
        - Martin Johnson, after England KO France from WC07, "The Telegraph"

There'll be tears and beers in Temple Bar and Cork after this abject failure.
        - The New Zealand Herald, after Ireland's dismal 2007 World Cup

"It goes to show that Dermot MacMurrough was wrong to invite Strongbow in in 1171 or whatever it was."
        - George Hook, after Ireland beat rugby world champions England in Twickenham (2004)

"If someone starts talking about pride today I'm going to vomit... The Apache nation had pride and look where they are. The bushmen of Kalahari have pride and look where they are."
        - George Hook, ahead of Ireland v France (Feb'08)

"Extraordinary scenes there at the end. I think some of the crowd chanting 'Italy! Italy!' were actually Irish."
        - Tom McGurk, after Ireland stagger to a 16-11 win over Italy (2008)

"What will his reasons be for resigning?"
"Well, without trying to be facetious, I wouldn't have got up at 5am to be here if I knew that."
        - Radio Five Live's Shelagh Fogarty covering Clive Woodward's resignation

Lions tours used to represent the apogee in the kind of behaviour usually regarded as hooliganism if perpetrated by the lower orders but high jinks if it involves young gentlemen of quality. The most famous incident involved Ulster hard man and Lions captain Willie John McBride, who was being warned by a nervous hotelier in some benighted Afrikaans town that he would send for the police. McBride's response came in the slowest of drawls: "Will there be many of them?"
        - Matthew Engel, "The Financial Times"

I know nothing about rugby, but Jonny Wilkinson is still my favourite quarterback... How did the referee determine when a foul had been committed given that all the players were beating the crap out of each other more or less continuously?
        - Toby Young, an Englishman proudly ignorant of rugby, "The Spectator"

American football is Rugby after a visit from a Health and Safety inspector.
        - Anonymous

Boxing is for men, and is about men and is men. A celebration of the lost religion of masculinity all the more trenchant for being lost.
        - Joyce Carol Oates, "On Boxing"

"A daily festival of human suffering."
        - Lance Armstrong describes the Tour de France

"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."
        - Cool Runnings

"I throw the ball as hard as ever, but it just takes longer to get to the plate."
       - Don Newcombe, Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher, in the twilight of his career

"The trouble with society today is that parents expect other people to bring up their kids, set the examples... teachers, clergymen, now ball players. If some kid goes off the rails it's not necessarily because a big-name pitcher gets caught sticking coke up his nose... it's because he wasn't taught the difference between right and wrong back in his own house. It's just too easy to load up responsibility elsewhere."
        - Marvin Miller, former head of the Major League Baseball Players Association

Sport is how poor kids from poor countries pass through the eye of the needle to riches and recognition.
        - AA Gill, "Whatever Happened to the Heroes?", "The Times"

Sport marks out those who strive: it rewards inequality of both talent and application.
        - Kevin Myers, "The Irish Independent"

To describe some of these substances as performance-enhancing is pushing at the boundaries of credibility. How much coffee do you have to drink to shave a hundredth of a second off your 100 metres time? The drugs they legitimately hunt down should not be those that enhance performance but those that endanger health. That should be the only criterion because, in one small way or another, legal supplements, new training tricks and a scientifically rigorous diet all enhance performance. What, really, is the difference.
        - Kevin Mitchell, in Ireland's "Sunday Independent"

Fighting racism is about targets. Not achieving them. Choosing them. Quotas of black people, as in the South African rugby team, miss the mark. Sport will only be free of racism when nobody notices ethnic composition. The ideal would be your record collection. Do you know the precise ratio of black to white music? Of course not. Positive discrimination is not required because we play and buy what we want, without thinking or seeing colour. That is true equality.
Witch-hunts of old men, too entrenched in a bygone era to change their ways, are another dead end. The goal should be intellectual evolution: to be more tolerant than the previous generation. It is a forlorn hope that a 65-year-old raised before mass immigration will think about race with the same sensitivity as a young person brought up in multicultural Britain.
        - Martin Samuel, "The Times"

The 1936 Olympics was one of the great historical occasions where vast, competing ideological abstractions are rendered into one iconic event of black-and-white simplicity. Jesse Owens's victory over Erich Borchmeyer in the 100 metres was a symbolic affirmation of a common humanity over pseudo-scientific categorisation of Nazi racial science. It was only through luck that Owens has been remembered by history. In the season leading up to the games he had been beaten in five out of six meetings by another African-American sprinter, Eulace Peacock. Unfortunately Peacock suffered a hamstring injury just before the Olympic trials and failed to qualify. Owens's multiple victories — in the 100m, 4x100m, 200m and long jump — certainly irked Hitler, but he was adulated by the Berlin crowd for whom a black man was not so much a threat to the purity of the Volk as a curio who would be safely shuffled out of the country at the end of the games.
        - Jonathan Beckman, reviewing "Berlin Games: How Hitler Stole the Olympic Dream", "Observer"

Recently, I listened to an announcer refer to Lewis Hamilton, the rookie sensation Formula 1 driver from Hertfordshire, England, as African-American because there was simply no other acceptable way to refer to him.
        - A letter writer to America's "National Review" on the madness of political correctness

Rugby is a game of violence. It is supposed to be. Both codes. It is a game of brutal physical confrontations: individual against individual, group against group. That is, if you like, the point. All the territorial ball games are mimic battles and rugby is the closest sport gets to the real thing. All the more reason, then, for it not to go over the edge.
Without violence, rugby is nothing. Would the streets of London have been lined for the winners of the Touch-Rugby World Cup? I think not. But violence is not the whole of the game. Rugby is not 15-man or 13-man boxing. Violence is the setting, the context. Without violence there is no courage, without mayhem there is no grace, without pain there is no exalted relief in victory. Memo to all who run both codes of the game: rugby is a mimic war. When we want real war, we turn to the front of the newspaper.
        - Simon Barnes, "The Times"

Sport is dead when citius, altius, fortius is replaced by fixius, drugius, corruptius. We have reached the logical end of sport. Everywhere you look, you find stories of people who have taken the sport out of sport. We expect to hear the decisions on the Italian football match-fixing scandal. The football itself is a sham, going through the motions. The real action takes place on the telephone in the weeks before the game. In England, three jockeys have been suspended from riding after being accused by police of fixing races. The dominant point of this year's Tour de France is not the pedal-pushing but the second significant drugs scandal in eight years: the revelation of the incontrovertible fact that professional cycling is institutionally corrupt. These three things — match-fixing, race-fixing, institutionalised drugging — come down to the same thing, and it is the greatest error in all of professional sport. The error in question is that sport is about winning. Winning at all costs. That winning is not the most important thing, but the only thing. If you sincerely believe that winning is everything, all the rest follows. If the only ethic is victory, then these things are not options. They are demanded: the least you can do... The essential fact about sport is that you don't know what happens next. No one does. We watch sport not for the victory, but for the struggle. In other words, those that seek victory at all costs are destroying sport. They are creating a spectacle in which we, the punters, have no interest. People are far less interested in track and field athletics than they once were because there has been too much drugging... Professionalism will be the death of sport; or it will, if we carry on believing in it. But at last, we are beginning to see the price of winning at all costs.
        - Simon Barnes, with a foreboding warning, "The Times"

Bob Woolmer's murder isn't simply a sign that cricket fans have gone off the deep end. Rather, it's a signal of the sport's profound internal malignancies. Pakistan's extraordinarily feeble performance against Ireland has raised suspicions that the match was fixed. It is a measure of how much corruption has stained cricket that the burden of proof now lies with those claiming the match was honestly contested.
        - Alex Massie, "Slate Magazine"

All things considered, and taking one thing with another, I think it is fair to say that the cricket World Cup of 2007 really was the worst sporting event in history. It went on for match after match after match, and practically all of the matches were dull. It was like the couple copulating in the next room: you can't believe they're still at it, or still want to be. Can anything compare in tedium and anticlimax? It had everything, mismatches, one-sided games, games that didn't matter much, games that were simply short of action or drama or interest. International sporting organisations across the world are invited to study this event long and hard: it is the perfect template for the ruination of a sport.
The tournament, in its desire to seem truly global, had far too many no-hopers. Bermuda, indeed. After that, the so-called Super Eights required 24 games to reduce eight teams to four. That is exactly 20 too many. How can sports administrators make such crass errors? Simple. They aren't interested in sport. They are interested in power. The more countries you involve, the more power you have. The more money you make from a multination tournament, the more power you have. As a result of this simple rule, all World Cups in all sports have become exercises in revenue-raising and colonisation.
Administrators want the money and the power that goes with a bloated tournament and thousands of hours of television. They don't care that it produces tedious sport. No one has told them that if sport gets tedious, we – the people who matter – will stop going or watching or caring.
Moral: every sporting tournament should have sporting excellence as its sole aim. Anything else betrays the spectators, the television viewers, the athletes and sport itself. And now, with the cricket World Cup of 2007, we at last have the perfect example of this principle.
        - Simon Barnes, "The Times"

India's captain, Anil Kumble, complained immediately after the match that "only one team was playing within the spirit of the game." He was echoing a moment ingrained deeply in Australian cricket's folk-memory, in 1933 when its captain, Bill Woodfull, told England's manager, Pelham Warner, "There are two teams out there, and only one of them is playing cricket." That was when England took the pursuit of winning to the extent of having its fast bowlers aim their deliveries at the bodies of Australian batsmen. England won the series, but memories of its brutal ruthlessness has fueled Australian cricketing nationalism ever since.
        - Huw Richards, on the Harbhajan Singh affair, "IHT" (Jan'08)

There was a time when you could count on the sports section for news that was at least conclusive. Somebody won and somebody lost. One player was the hero; another the goat. And, in the golden days of sports writing, you could find prose that would transport you and give you that sublime feeling that comes with understanding something true about the world. There are still gifted writers working the sports pages. But something has happened to the sports pages. You don't get the old feeling of clarity when you read them these days. Maybe it is because the games are all on television, and even if you miss them, the scores are there on ESPN, where you can catch up on who won and lost while you are shaving. So the stories on the sports pages are now about this other stuff... Michelle Wie had fired her agent, The University of Miami football team was also in the news. But not for its blowout win over Florida International. Seems that during the game there had been a brawl that was ugly even by Miami standards... Vastly more time and ink was spent covering the brawl and its aftermath than was devoted to the actual game. There were, of course, other stories on the sports page. A pitcher for the Chicago White Sox was being questioned after a shooting in the Dominican Republic. And, the cops were considering arrests after a brawl at the end of the Dartmouth/Holy Cross football game. It was enough to make the old-fashioned fan long for one of those feel-good stories about steroids.
        - Geoffrey Norman, "National Review"

The longest civic losing streak in North American major-league sports is now in jeopardy. The city of Cleveland last celebrated a major sports title on Dec. 27, 1964, when the Browns upset the Baltimore Colts in the National Football League championship game. In the more than four decades since, the Indians once took a lead into the bottom of the ninth inning of Game 7 of the World Series, while the Browns endured three of the more painful playoff losses in NFL history. But no major Cleveland professional team has won another championship. Those teams have played 123 combined seasons since the Browns' 1964 title, making Cleveland the hardest-luck sports town in the United States. On Sunday night in San Antonio, the Cavaliers lost Game 2 of the NBA finals and trails, 2-0, in the best-of-seven series. If Cleveland's streak is going to end this month, it will have to involve an upset as big as the Browns' victory over the Colts.
        - David Leonhardt, on Cleveland's unenivable record, "IHT"

Placing first is not the same as winning.
        - Roger Ebert, "Chicago Sun Times"

The horse racing handicapping system does not reward brilliance, it punishes it. If tennis were run along these lines, Roger Federer would start his matches two sets down. But tennis is not a betting sport in the way that racing is. Nothing is.
        - Clare Balding, "Handicap System in at the Root of all Evils", "The Observer"

After all, if you remove the gambling, where is the fun in watching a bunch of horses being whipped by midgets?
        - Ian O'Doherty, not a fan of horse racing, "The Irish Independent"

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
        - Steven Wright

"The worst day of fishing beats the best day of working."
        - Martin, "Frasier"

Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.
        - Thomas Sowell

"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
        - Sid Waddell, legendary Darts commentator

The format had, at its heart, two great, human universals: the need to wrestle with important questions, such as "What is the capital of Denmark?", and the desire to throw darts.
        - Giles Smith, on the popularity of "Bullseye"

Tibetan monks spend years in search of the joy that darts fans feel during a match... It is a great celebration of men in a state of perfect happiness. You can see it in their eyes, this feeling of liberation which comes over them at the end of set, when the theme music stomps out of the big speakers and they all rise like creatures from the Neanderthal swamp who have heard music for the first time and they wave their arms and pump the air, Gazza-like, and dance around in celebration.
        - Declan Lynch, "The Irish Independent"

Scorpio(Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
        - Horoscope from "The Onion"

"Let me just leave you with this thought. You love the Sox, but have they ever loved you back?"
        - Fever Pitch (US)

Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal.
        - George Will

"All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things."
        - Bobby Knight, on sportswriters ***

"One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball."
        - Don Carter ***

SATIRE

Ladies snooker "will never be as exciting as mens" says controversial cleric Abu Hamzid.
        - Headline from BBC2's "Broken News"

Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville.
Team: We will beat Shelbyville.
Hypnotist: You will give 110%.
Team: That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%. By definition, that is the most anyone can give.
        - The Simpsons

"I can't remember a time in my life when I haven't hated football. Come on—anyone who paid attention to my career must have suspected it. When did I ever look like I was enjoying myself? When did you last see me smile on the sidelines or in the locker room? You must have at least wondered why I was always so angry with everyone around me. I'll tell you why—I was goddamn miserable. Football sucks... All that pressure, having to deal with all those dumbass players, just to play a game that's basically a lot of choreographed shoving? ...Solid-gold citizens, football players. If they're not boring as hell, they're arrogant drug-crazed felons."
        - Bill Parcells, coach of the Dallas Cowboys, interviewed in "The Onion"

Continuing a Yankee tradition that dates back to the teams of the early '80s, owner George Steinbrenner formally appointed recently signed centerfielder Johnny Damon as the team's new scapegoat. "This position comes with a lot of responsibility, as the scapegoat will be held personally accountable for every loss this season," Steinbrenner said in a statement Tuesday. "Even though he is new to the city and organization, and he is coming over from our division rival Boston Red Sox, and he has yet to play a single game in a Yankee uniform, I am confident that these factors will only facilitate Johnny Damon's transition into this role. If the Yankees start losing—God forbid—then at the very least, the players, the fans, the New York media, and myself can take comfort in knowing the exact reason why."
        - from "The Onion"

GOLF

Too few of us realise what we have in golf, a game that provides small miracles of pleasure almost from the cradle to the grave.
        - Hugh McIlvanney

Golf, like Art, is a goddess whom we must woo from an early youth if we would win her; we must even be born to her worship.
        - H Rider Haggard

Stroke play is a better test of golf, but match play is a better test of character.
        - Joe Carr

Everyone is studying golf technique like mad. Every young lad now aspires to be another Palmer or Nicklaus. We may go centuries before we produce another playwright.
        - Joe Carr, in the 1960s

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.
        - PG Wodehouse

The number of shots taken by an opponent out of sight is equal to the square root of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes.
        - Michael Green

I need 2 sherpas, one to carry my clubs, the other to carry me.
        - Brian Barnes before the '91 German Open on the hot, mountainy Dusseldorf course

I couldn't live anywhere other than Britain, but I'd quite like it parked off the coast of Australia.
        - Mark James

I really don't enjoy playing this game at all anymore. You would have to be a pervert to enjoy the sort of feelings that I went through out there.
        - David Feherty, after winning the BMW International in 1987

I considered beating the living daylights out of it but its probably got a wife and snakelets to look after.
        - David Feherty, after being bitten by an adder at the PGA Championship

David Feherty once trained as an opera singer with a Polish woman in Belfast.
David Feherty is fed up being reminded that he once trained as an opera singer with a Polish woman in Belfast.
Were he allowed to rewrite the Rules of Golf he would insert a new rule, 'You are allowed to tackle your opponent.'
Any Jack Nicklaus designed golf course is his definition of 'Hell on Earth'.
After he won the Italian Open in 1986, he sang a sparkling rendition of 'Just One Cornetto' on BBC Radio 2's Sunday Sport.
        - What You Ought To Know About David Feherty

"The purpose of the game is to shoot your opponent's high-flying golf ball out of the air with a finely-tuned 12-gauge shotgun."
        - Hunter S. Thompson, describing a game of "Shotgun Golf"

"I can't believe you're watching an old golf game instead of eating dinner with your family. You already know how it's going to turn out!"
"Well, that never stopped people going to see 'Hamlet'."
        - Emily and Richard Gilmore, "The Gilmore Girls"

In golf, Americans support America, Europeans support their own. The Brits follow Montgomerie on the circuit, we support Clarke and Harrington and McGinley, the Spaniards Garcia and Olazabal. Sport, like politics, is local. The players come together once every two years under the Europe flag, but it's a flag of convenience for the week of the Ryder Cup and after that, Europe recedes again into that amorphous identity that doesn't really hold any claim on our loyalties. Any professional golfer this side of the pond will say it's a life's ambition to play in the Ryder Cup. You will rarely hear them say it's a life's ambition to play for Europe. In fact, if any flag has bonded the players together over the years, it hasn't been the Europe flag but the flag of the United States. They might all be millionaires but when faced by the superpower they have reacted like downtrodden underdogs and raised their game.
Perversely, while American players have had no similar identity issues, their patriotic solidarity hasn't always translated into superiority on the golf course. The improbable irony is that European Ryder Cup teams, by virtue of their weak political identity and strong team ethic, have managed to make the point that sport is about people first and flags second. Which is more than anyone could have hoped for from an event that has become the epitome of corporate, fat-cat sport. One of Sky Sports' reporters went looking for excitement on the streets and didn't find much. 'I couldn't,' he said, 'even find any excitement in Naas'.
        - Tommy Conlon, as Ireland hosts the 2006 Ryder Cup, "The Irish Independent"

IRISH SPORTS : GAELIC FOOTBALL & HURLING

"Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation."

"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy."

"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide... and the dog lost as well."

"Sean Og O'Hailpin... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold."

"And Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye a little story. I was in Times Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a news stand and I said: 'I suppose ye wouldn't have The Kerryman, would ye?' To which the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said: 'Do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?'. He had both. So I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet."

"He grabs the sliotar... he's on the 50 ... he's on the 40 . . he's on the 30 ... he's on the ground."

"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner Street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them. The priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! Forty yards out on the Hogan Stand side of the field CiarĂ¡n Whelan goes on a rampage, it's a goal. So much for religion."

"Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. It's over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man, but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery."

"Pat Fox has it on his hurley and is motoring well now. But here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail. I've seen it all now - a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"

"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball."

        - Micheal O' Muircheartaigh

"The first half was even, the second half was even worse."
        - Pat Spillane

"Its all over...  Jeeeesus! The cigarettes are being lit here in the commentary box,. the lads are getting anxious, its a line ball down there to Clare and who's to take it? Will ye put 'em out lads ye'll feckin' choke me."
       - Matthew McMahon, Clare FM, Munster Final 95.

"Is the ref going to finally blow his whistle? ...No, he's going to blow his shaggin' nose!"
        - Radio Kilkenny, Kilkenny v Wexford National League match

"My only consolation was that I held Tomas Mannion (Galway's corner back) scoreless."
        - Joe Brolly recalls a dire performance against Galway

"It wasn't your fault. It was the feckin' eejits that picked ya."
        - Anonymous fan, giving some faint praise to a player

"Sheep in a heap."
        - Michael 'Babs' Keating's verdict on his Offaly team

"That referee must have no wipers on his glasses!"
        - Eddie Moroney, from his legendary 1992 commentary of Aherlow's U21 Tipperary county win

"I don't want to be biased, but what was the referee at there?"
        - Sean Walsh, of Galway bay FM

"The stopwatch has stopped. It's up to God and the referee now. The referee is Pat Horan. God is God."
        - Micheal O' Muircheartaigh [1]

"He can take the ball from one end of the field to the other with just the player's occupations."
        - Jack O'Shea, on Michael O'Muircheartaigh's unique style [1]

"The men of Ireland were hurling when the gods of Greece were young."
        - PJ Devlin (c.1924) [1]

"There won't be a cow milked in Clare tonight."
        - Marty Morrissey after Clare's 1992 Munster Championship victory [1]

"There won't be a cow milked in Finglas tonight."
       - Keith Barr, after Erin's Isle 1998 All-Ireland Club semi win [1]

"If Offaly win the National League again this year it will be the greatest accident since the Titanic."
        - Paul O'Kelly of Offaly [1]

"I find it hard to see how my northern cousins could get so worked up about counties created by British imperialists."
        - Colm O'Rourke, speaking on Ulster TV [1]

"Did you have to explain to the English what hurling was about?"
"No, but I have to explain it to the people of Wicklow."
        - Des Cahill and Dara Briain, former Wicklow hurler [1]

"Any word of the (Clogherhead) Dreadnoughts Sean? Will they ever take on the Man-O-War?"
        - Sean Og O Ceallachain, quoting reactions to his radio club result broadcasts [1]

"The difference between winning a club and a county All-Ireland is when you get a slap on the back after the match, you actually know the person when you turn around."
        - Thomas Meehan of Caltra [1]

"A fan is someone who, if you have made an idiot of yourself on the pitch, doesn't think you've done a permanent job."
        - Jack Lynch [1]

"The International Rules series was a bit like the Vietnam War. Nobody at home cared about it, but everyone involved sure did."
        - Leigh Matthews, the Australian coach [1]

"And Tom Chesty breaks through with Kilkenny defenders falling around him like dying wasps."
        - Micheal O'Hehir [1]

"Paidi O'Se is buttoned up like the most devout girl in the Amish community when it came to the pre-final interview."
        - Tom Humphries [1]

"There is a level of politics in hurling. I don't think Henry Kissinger would have lasted a week on the Munster council."
        - Ger Loughnane [1]

"In the dust of defeat as well as in the laurel of victory, there is glory to be found."
        - JJ Meagher [1]

They were playing automatic football. When one Cross player won the ball another half-dozen began to set themselves up for participation in any one of several possible scenarios.
        - Eugene McGee, "The Irish Independent" [1]

The miracle of the GAA is that it works so well despite itself. Paranoia, self-doubt, trenchant conservatism, fear of outside sports and veneration of the past are all key parts of the GAA psyche. In order to love the GAA, you have to swallow these faults whole.
        - Keith Duggan, "The Irish Times" (2002) [1]

"Several broken sticks, two broken heads, and two bruised fingers were part of the afternoon's play, for hurling, the Irish national game is the fastest and probably the most dangerous of sports. It is a combination of hockey, football, golf, baseball, battle and sudden death. It was a real Irish game."
        - Daily Mail, reporting on a match held in London (1921) [1]

"Could I suggest that in future the GAA allocate a five-minute free-for-all before the television coverage of its games to dissipate the aggressio, tension etc?"
        - Letter to "The Irish Times" (1996) [1]

"Does the GAA take its democratic principles from the Tammany Hall school of democratic politics, or that former great bastion of democracy, the Societ Communist Party?"
        - Letter to "The Irish Times" (2001) [1]

"When knowledge of the rules is the preserve of a few, this confers a certain power on these few, which is unhealthy and undemocratic. Are there 40 people in this hall who could confidently put a motion in order for Congress? Are there 30? Are there 20? Are there 10?"
        - Sean Kelly, President's address to GAA Congress (2004)

"The first time I brought the boys to a match they were chocked at the abuse being heaped on Sean. I kept trying to tell them it was the referee they were shouting at but they said, 'Mammy, the referee isn't bald'."
        - Wife of Meath manager Sean Boylan [1]

"I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it."
        - Jack Charlton, asked about hurling [1]

There is something pigheaded about Wexford this season, something pigheaded and perverse and oddly beautiful. In certain lights they are starting to look heroic.
        - Tom Humphries, "The Irish Times" [1]

If Wexford Hurling Ltd was a company and we had produced the results that we have over the last 25 years or so, we would have been declared bankrupt long ago.
        - Phil Murphy, "Wexford People" [1]

"I often wonder if we changed the names of counties and jersey colours and started all over again, would it make a difference?"
        - Kevin O'Brien, on life with one of GAA's lesser lights, Wicklow [1]

Dublin in rare new times.
        - Irish Times headline after Dublin hurlers record a surprise win

There's sunsets and there's the gummy smiles of newborn babies. There's puppy dogs with wagging tails and there's Scarlett Johannsson... But honestly, there is no sight that gladdens the heart quite as much as that which greets you when pull into a GAA club on a Saturday morning. The mini-leagues! Little kids in hurling helmets covering every blade of grass like a happy and un-cordinated army of ants. It's great to see.
        - Tom Humphries, "The Irish Times"

Goalie: Must have 'great goalmouth presence'...which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull.
        - taken from "The Truth about Junior Football"

Bogball and Stickfighting.
        - George Byrne's view of the national games, "Evening Herald"

A prominent rugby coach from the Southern Hemisphere who has been at many Gaelic football matches this summer said that he has given up trying to figure out which way the referee will award a free for a tackle. Will the man in possession be penalised for holding on and not playing the ball, or will he gain a free because an opponent has tackled him illegally?
Well, I have news for the man from Australia. I have been playing and watching Gaelic since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, and I haven't a clue either. Gaelic football has regressed to being a sort of glorified contact-basketball.
        - Sean Diffley, "The Irish Independent"

We should wave goodbye and good riddance to the ill-bred hybrid that is the International Rules series... the reality is that Australians are deeply unpleasant when they lose and unbearable when they win. The truth is that, through ignorance and blatant disregard for sportsmanship, they destroy the very sports in which they bend every rule to excel. The truth is that they call 'ultra competitiveness' is in fact a national mindset which elevates thuggery to an art form. Aussies just don't give a XXXX about fair play. All of Ireland's key footballers and those who performed admirably in the first fixture victory were taken out by foul means in the first few minutes. The truth is that if Australia needs to win that much, if they are prepared to besmirch sport and abandon civilised behaviour, they can have it.
        - Jerome O'Reilly, "The Sunday Independent" (Nov'06)

Offaly appear to have made a small error in the paper work involving ordinary subs and 'blood' subs. Did Offaly gain any advantage from the mistake? No. They have allegedly breached a rule so complex in its wording that even experienced GAA administrators can't agree on its interpretation. Vastly experienced Leinster Council officials met in conclave on Monday night and had to concede defeat before asking the Central Council for a ruling... some of the rules are written in such vague wording as to be virtually unfathomable. However, there's a bigger problem. In a new age where everything is challenged, the spirit of any rule seems to mean nothing. Never mind that our Johnny punched an opponent off the ball in full view of everybody. Yes, but did the referee word his report correctly? He didn't? Thank God for that loophole.
        - Martin Breheny, "The Irish Independent" (May'06)

No sports organisation in the world that I know of seems to have as much trouble with its own rule book as the GAA. Every week it seems there is yet another squabble about yet another GAA rule controversy... the long and short of it is that the GAA rule book is a load of nonsense with far too many badly-worded rules, with countless sunsections, clauses, recommendations and whatever you're having yourself... Its time to burn the rule book and start from scratch.
        - Eugene McGee, "The Irish Independent" (Jun'07)

The only acceptable recipients of money from the GAA are administrators, coaches, security, bar and catering staff, hawkers, programme sellers, pirates, general scavengers, some managers... but no players. Stalin or Fidel Castro would love the way the GAA has and is being run. Even if something is wrong nobody questions it.
        - Colm O'Rourke, in Ireland's "Sunday Independent"

This is Cork versus Cork... and as these people are always right, how can anyone be wrong?
        - Roy Curtis, during the 2008 Cork players strike, "Sunday World"

The GAA is currently in the middle of that disreputable phase that athletics and rugby union went through in the dying days of their amateur eras. They called it shamateurism then and it's shamateurism now.
        - Tommy Conlon, "The Sunday Independent"

The prime motiviation for most of the major decisions taken by the GAA is modern times is money.
        - Eugene McGee, "The Irish Independent"

"There are some things in life that are more important than money and the GAA is one of them."
        - Joe Brolly

"Dublin are playing conventional Gaelic football, Tyrone are playing a system that virtually guarantees them success until they come up against a team that's playing a similar system of play, that's equally astute tactically. The only meaningful battles that Tyrone had last year were against Armagh who played five half-backs. It turned into a war of attrition. It was a totally different level of football in terms of the tactics and strategy than anything else that's going on in Ireland. Tyrone don't have a higher work rate than other teams, it's just that they deploy their players in a more sensible way. They appear to be taking up conventional positions at the outset and try to get back to those at times and it helps conceal it... When Ryan McMenamin breaks up the field to score a point, it is not spontaneous, but painstakingly rehearsed. When the ball drops in midfield, everyone around has a role to fill. When they win back the ball players fan out in concentric rings as they launch a counter-attack in what is essentially a defensive game, with a lethal retaliatory sting."
        - Joe Brolly, interviewed by Dermot Crowe in the "Sunday Independent"

Battle-hardened National League supporters are a more weather-beaten animal than their Championship counterparts.
        - Eoghan Corry, on 'fair weather fans', "Evening Herald"

"If we don't do something about it, in 10 years' time there will be no need to start the championship until August because there will only be 4 or 5 counties competing. Hurling is like an old country house where the front has been maintained. It looks grand from the road but when you go inside you find that the place is falling down."
        - Conor Hayes, Galway hurling manager, interviewed in 2006 in "The Irish Independent"

Hurling is, to use the parlance du jour, "a great product", which the GAA should somehow be marketing abroad. The problem is that there are other foreign territories which the GAA might investigate before unleashing hurling on the global sporting community. North Roscommon for example, North Galway, South Kerry, most of Donegal, Louth, Monaghan, Sligo...Those awe-struck foreigners in Croke Park would marvel if they knew how little loved the best game in the world is in its native land... The suspicion must be that hurling is like the Irish language. Everyone thinks it's great stuff and part of what we are and pays considerable lip service to it. But the numbers who actually play hurling are, like those who use the Irish language, disappointingly small.
        - Eamonn Sweeney, "Home Truths about Hurling", "The Irish Independent"

[1] Quoted in "God and the Referee: Unforgettable GAA Quotations" compiled by Eoghan Corry

>> More Football & Hurling quotes at the Gaelic Gazette.

GAMBLING & CHANCE

"If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker."
        - Paul Newman (?)

"Humphrey Bogart said he liked chess better than poker because you couldn't cheat at chess."
        - Roger Ebert

"Doyle, I know I gave him four threes. He had to make a switch. We can't let him get away with that."
"What was I supposed to do — call him for cheating better than me, in front of the others?
        - Floyd & Doyle, "The Sting"

"Is it a reasonable thing, I ask you, for a grown man to run about and hit a ball? Poker's the only game fit for a grown man. Then, your hand is against every man's, and every man's is against yours. Teamwork? Who ever made a fortune by teamwork? There's only one way to make a fortune, and that's to down the fellow who's up against you."
        - Somerset Maugham, "Cosmopolitans"

Poker is the card game that has come back from the dead with a vengeance and fills up hours and hours of airtime on one cable channel or another. Did our oft-cited forebears ever imagine we'd be spending our evenings watching other people play cards? Aren't there a dozen things wrong with that picture? At least if we watched people play Twister, there'd be some physical movement going on.
        - Tom Shales

An Irishman has lost his high stakes bid to have poker recognised as a game of skill in a British court. The prosecution said once the cards were shuffled in a game of Texas Hold'Em, a 'significant' element of chance came in, bringing the game under the remit of the 1968 Gambling Act.
        - from "The Irish Independent" (Jan'07)

I have yet to meet a rich gambler, by which I mean someone who has made his fortune through gambling (give or take the odd lottery winner). On the other hand, I have never met a poor casino owner. This discrepancy just doesn't seem to figure in the mental landscape of a gambler.
        - Anjana Ahuja, "The Times"

"I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand."
        - Jonathan Swift, "Thoughts on Various Subjects" (1728)

"Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit."
        - RE Shay

"Gambling is a pre-emptive attack on fate."
        - David Thomson, "The Whole Equation: A History of Hollywood"

"Baseball is like a poker game. Nobody wants to quit when he's losing; nobody wants you to quit when you're ahead."
        - Jackie Robinson

"Sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand."
        - Luke Jackson, "Cool Hand Luke"

"You better not have been cheating!"
"If I'm gonna cheat, it's gonna be with a better hand than two pair."
        - from "The Fearing Mind"

"I once played poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house, and four people died."
        - Steven Wright, comedian

"People will pay a hundred dollars for a bottle of wine; to me that's not worth it. But I'm not going to say it is foolish or wrong to spend that kind of money, if that's what you want. So if a guy wants to bet
twenty or thirty thousand dollars in a poker game, that is his privilege."
        - Jack Binion

"The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented the chip was a genius."
        - Big Julie

"The game (of poker) exemplifies the worst aspects of capitalism that have made our country so great."
        - Walter Matthau

"At Harvard, he was a very avid and skillful poker player. One of the secrets of a successful poker player is to encourage your opponent to bet a lot of chips on a losing hand. This is a pattern of behavior one sees repeatedly in George W Bush's political career."
        - Thomas Lifson, comtemporary of President Bush in university

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

>> More poker quotes collected by Ichiban.

THE BIG DEAL by ANTHONY HOLDEN

"A man who can't hold a hand in a first-class poker game is not fit to be President of the United States."
    - Former teacher of Richard Nixon

"The next best thing to playing and winning is playing and losing."
    - Nick the Greek, legendary Poker player

Whether he likes it or not, a man's character is stripped bare at the poker table; if other players read him better than he does, he has only himself to blame. Unless he is both able and prepared to see himself as others do, flaws and all, he will be a loser in cards as in life.

Poker is not a form of gambling; on the contrary, gambling was a style of playing poker - a loose and losing style, at that.

Poker may be a branch of psychological warfare, an art form, or indeed a way of life - but is also merely a game, in which money is simply the means of keeping score.

It's not enough in poker to hold good cards; you have to disguise them sufficiently to make money out of them.

As a reason for substandard performance in the chain gangs of real life, poker has a high masculine approval rate.

The true cunning of Kennedy's route to victory in the Cuban Missile Crisis was to enable his opponent to lose without being humiliated. The alternative might have proved a decidedly pyrrhic victory. Khrushchev had, in effect, folded his hand and conceded the pot.

It is so easy to score free meals in Las Vegas that actually paying for one involves a certain amount of effort.

While I lived in Washington I developed an understanding with my bank manager - it became, I confess, a written understanding - that, no matter how pleading or authoritative my demands down the telephone, he was under no circumstances to wire me more funds.

 





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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: playsportstv.com


 Q&A With Women's Lacrosse Legend Kelly Amonte Hiller
 
Kelly Amonte Hiller is one of the biggest names in lacrosse. As a player at the University of Maryland, she was a four-time All-American and two-time NCAA Division I Player of the Year. As coach at Northwestern University in Chicago, she has guided the Wildcats to the past three women's lacrosse national championships. That's a pretty good run.
Amonte Hiller grew up in a sports-crazy family – her older brother is NHL star Tony Amonte – but she didn't know much about lacrosse as a kid. Back then, the sport wasn't widely known in Boston, or anywhere else except for a handful of states along the East Coast. That's changing, in part because of Amonte Hiller's success at Northwestern. The sport is booming in the Midwest, Texas, Colorado and on the West Coast. Because of its growth, there are more playing opportunities than ever before.
Recently, Amonte Hiller took some time to discuss her chosen sport with PSTV. Here's what she said...
PlaySportsTV: How did you get started playing lacrosse?
Kelly Amonte Hiller: I was really fortunate to be in the right place at the right time. I had never even played the sport until high school, but I picked it up really quickly. It's such a great game, it's so much fun to start from the get-go. It's not like ice hockey where you have to learn how to skate. As long as you can run, you can pick up the sport pretty quickly.
PSTV: How do you see lacrosse growing?
Amonte Hiller: When I was in high school in Massachusetts, it was in its infancy compared to some of the other states. In college I got exposed to the tradition of Maryland. After college, coming out here to Northwestern, it was the same exact thing. Lacrosse was in its infancy, and I can't tell you the transition it has made just in the state of Illinois. It's grown so much in the past seven years.
PSTV: What were your hopes when you took over at Northwestern?
Amonte Hiller: My hope was to do what we did at Maryland when I was a player. That's what I knew. I knew success and I knew how we achieved it. I took a lot of the things we did at Maryland and I took my own philosophies and meshed them and created something new and exciting.
PSTV: What was the key that enabled you to build a championship team?
Amonte Hiller: In terms of my team, the key was getting the girls to believe – believe in what my philosophy was, believe they could win and believe in themselves. That, along with the hard work they put in, was the key to our success. It really wasn't any special thing that we did. It was a combination of believing in ourselves and hard work.
PSTV: What was the talent level like when you took over the team?
Amonte Hiller: It was pretty low. But I brought in some recruits. We got kids who wanted to take a risk and were excited about working hard. So even though we had to overcome certain things, we had the core of what it takes to be successful. We proved that you don't have to have every piece of the puzzle. You just have to play together and want it the most.
PSTV: You had never been a head coach before being hired by Northwestern. What was the learning curve like for you?
Amonte Hiller: It was a big learning curve, but I believed in my ability to lead this team. I had a conviction that I could help teach the girls and make them better on a daily basis. I also didn't think long-term. Sometimes when you think long-term you get overwhelmed. You think, "Oh God, I've got to do so much." I thought about things day to day. What do we need to do to get better?
PSTV: That sounds like a good approach not just to coaching but to learning the sport.
Amonte Hiller: Definitely. Especially for athletes who are coming in and have never played the game before but have strong athleticism. It's a matter of having a little patience and going for it, seeing what you can do.
PSTV: What advice would you give to someone who is just starting out?
Amonte Hiller: Working on individual skills outside of practice will help you bridge the gap quickly. I had two players here at Northwestern who had never played the game or even seen the game. Nothing. But they were unbelievable athletes. They had played rugby, basketball, everything. For them the key in bridging the gap was working outside of practice, working on their skills, wanting to get better and having that drive. I think a lot of times young kids think, "Oh, my coach is going to teach me in practice what it takes to be the best." They may teach you concepts in practice, but you have to work on them outside of practice.
PSTV: Do you have any thoughts on cradling and whether to use the more old-school side-to-side technique?
Amonte Hiller: I'm not into that old-school style. I believe in a lot of philosophies that are newer and are up and coming.
PSTV: One last question. What was it like growing up in such an athletic family?
Amonte Hiller: It was awesome. It was so much fun. Every day it was another competition. We played outside. There weren't so many organized things. That's one thing I think society should get back to – less organized play and more just playing out in the park. There's no coach to pat you on the back and make you feel better. I had to do that for myself. That really helped me gain confidence and shaped who I am today. It made me very resilient and able to prepare for a situation like I'm in now at Northwestern


 

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: nll.com

 

NLL GIRL OF THE WEEK - CAELEE

Crush dance team member works in Rush front office

03/10/2008

Caelee and the Crush Dance Team will be at Rexall Place on both Saturday and Sunday for all of this weekend's All-Star Game festivities.
Caelee, a third-year member of Edmonton's Crush Dance Team, not only entertains fans on Rexall Place turf; she also is involved in the Rush's day-to-day operations as an employee in the team's front office.

Between her front office duties and her obligations with the Crush, the Lloydminster, Alberta native has quite a busy weekend ahead of her. Key events include Saturday's All-Star Skills Competition (and the first-ever 'Play with the Stars' youth event), the Rush vs. Knighthawks regular-season game, the All-Star Cabaret at Northlands Sportex, and of course, Sunday's All-Star Game.

"I'm very excited -- It's going to be crazy busy," said Caelee, whose obligations for the weekend include everything from Play with the Stars registration to assembling prize packs for lucky fans.

Caelee relocated to Edmonton to join the Crush Dance Team in their inaugural season, driving five hours for a pair of tryouts. She joined the front office and began juggling both responsibilities in October of 2006.

"Everything about the Rush is a great experience," she added. "I feel like an insider a little bit. You know a lot more about what goes on behind the scenes. You see two different sides of everything."

Caelee, who previously worked in day care and coached youth gymnastics, is also heavily involved with the Mini-Crush, instructing girls ages 4-12.







NLL  = NATIONAL LACROSSE LEAGUE


 

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: associatedcontent.com


 
BASEBALL QUOTES 
 
We all know the famous baseball quotes like "Let's play two" (Ernie Banks) and "It ain't over 'til it's over" (Yogi Berra). However, baseball has given us countless other great quotes you may not have heard before. Here is a sample.

"I like my players to be married and in debt. That's the way you motivate them." - Ernie Banks as a minor-league coach for the Cubs.

"Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don't move." - Satchel Paige

"The only problem I have in the outfield is with fly balls." - Carmelo Martinez, San Diego Padres.

"We lost 14 games in a row. Then we had a game rained out. It felt so good we had a victory dinner." - Lefty Grove as a minor-league manager.

"Lots of people look up to Billy Martin. That's because he just knocked them down." - Jim Bouton

"Mike Marshall went back to the dugout to get some cocaine for his foot." - Harry Caray, Cubs announcer. "That's novocaine, Harry." - fellow announcer Steve Stone.

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting." - Yogi Berra

"Playing baseball for a living is like having a license to steal. " - Pete Rose

"If he raced his pregnant wife, he'd finish third." - Tommy Lasorda on Mike Scioscia.

"Being traded is like celebrating your 100th birthday. It's not the happiest of occasions, but consider the alternatives." - Joe Garagiola.

"They're going to have to put a bell around one of these guys' necks." - Larry Haney, Brewers coach, when the same two Angels outfielders collided twice in four days.

"We're so bad right now that for us, back-to-back home runs means one today and another tomorrow." - Earl Weaver

"The problem with being the Comeback Player of the Year is that you have to go somewhere before you can come back." - Bert Blyleven

"When I played, they didn't use fancy words like 'emotionally distressed." They just said I couldn't hit." - Bob Uecker.



 

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: hockeytribute.com


Top 77 Ice Hockey Quotes
 

 

 

1 "A fast body-contact game played by men with clubs in their hands and knives laced to their feet." - Paul Gallico

2 "A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be." –Wayne Gretzky

3 "All that means is that I'll be 783 years old when I catch Scotty Bowman." - Kevin Constantine

4 "Aw, don't worry about that Doc. If it happens I could always come back as a forward." - Harold Snepsts

5 "Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking your potential." - Liane Carlos

6 "Either you give it right back or the next thing you know everyone and his brother will be trying you on for size." - Doug Harvey

7 "Goaltending is a normal job, sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and 15,000 people stood up and yelled at you." - Jacques Plante

8 "Hockey is the only job I know where you get paid to have a nap on the day of the game." - Chico Resch

9 "I guess they respect my shot because they were all ready at the blue line." - Patrick Way

10 "I know my players don't like my practises, but that's OK because I don't like their games." - Harry Neale.

11 "I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been." - Wayne Gretzky

12 "I think he knows all my tricks. Or the fact I don't have any tricks - Brendan Shanahan on trying to score against Curtis Joseph. I'm hoping for a bench clearing brawl during the warm up so I can go out and grab his stick." - Ron Tugnutt

13 "I was happy to have an attraction in our building that we didn't have to pay for." - Harold Ballard

14 "Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept." - Doug Larson "Hockey's the only place where a guy can go nowadays and watch two white guys fight." - Frank Deford

15 "I'd be lying to you if I said guys weren't afraid of him. I'm afraid of him, afraid of him running in to me." - Paul Laus

16 "If you've only got one day to live, come see the Toronto Maple Leafs. It'll seem like forever. " - Pat

17 "It takes brains. It's not like a forward, where you can get away with scoring and not play defense. On defense you have to be thinking." - Chris Chelios

18 "It would have been worse if we hadn't blocked the kick after Toronto's second touchdown." - Alex Delvecchio

19 "It's not necessarily the amount of time you spend at practice that counts; it's what you put into the practice." - Eric Lindros

20 "It's too easy when you're not winning to look for excuses and point at others for reasons. "You ca say "Oh well, it's this guys fault or they don't do this well" or you can say "I've got to play better and contribute more". You've got to find another gear and come up with big games." - Sean Burke

21 "Last season we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure was that I couldn't think of any place else to play." - Harry Neale

22 "My former wife made me a millionaire. I used to have three million dollars."- Bobby Hull

23 "Our first priority was staying alive. Our second was stopping the puck." - Glenn Hall

24 "Our system of forechecking is to shoot the puck and leave it there." - Harry Neale

25 "People talk about skating, puck handling and shooting, but the whole sport is angles and caroms, forgetting the straight direction the puck is going, calculating where it will be directed, factoring in all the interruptions. Basically, my whole game is angles." - Wayne Gretzky

26 "The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary." – Vidal Sassoon

27 "The three important elements of hockey are: forecheck, backcheck and paycheck." - Gil Perreault

28 "The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital." - Joe Paterno

29 "To his US Olympic team - Every day you guys look worse and worse. And today you played like tomorrow." - John Mariucci

30 "Until we get an apology we,re not going to win a game. We vow not to win until we get an apology from Bettman." - Dixon Ward

31 "We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor." - Bobby Clarke

32 "What a player does best, he should practice least. Practice is for problems." - Duke Snider "The five S's of sports training are: stamina, speed, strength, skill and spirit, but the greatest of these is spirit." - Ken Doherty

33 "When I look at the net I don't see a goalie." - Pavel Bure

34 "When I look at the net I see 2 or 3 goalies." - Radek Dvorak.

35 "Winners never quit, and quitters never win." - Unknown

36 "Yes, and I also like jumping out of tall buildings." - John Vanbiesbrouck

37 "You do dat, you go to da box, you know, uh, two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know, and then you get free." - Denis from SlapShot

38 "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." - Wayne Gretzky

39 "Bob Kelly was so dumb, they shoulda written his name on the Stanley Cup in crayon." - Gene Hart

40 "Call them pros, call them mercenaries -- but in fact they are just grown-up kids who have learned on the frozen creek or flooded corner lot that hockey is the greatest thrill of all. - Lester Patrick

41 "Get used to this phrase: how could both referees have missed that?" - Mike Brophy

42 "Goaltenders are 3 sandwiches shy of a picnic. From the moment primitive man lurched erect, he survived on the principle that when something hard and potentially lethal comes toward you at great velocity, get the hell out of it's path." - Jim Taylor

43 "Half the game is mental, the other half is being mental." - Jim Mckenny

44 "He brings something special. I don't know what it is, but if you ask him, you couldn't understand his answer." - Wayne Gretzky

45 "He had better get married soon, because he's getting uglier every day!" - Mark Recchi "They were checking us so closely, I could tell what brand of deodorant they were using." - Gary Dornhoefer

46 "Hockey is a man's game. The team with the most real men wins." - Brian Burke

47 "Hockey is like a disease, you can't really shake it." - Goaltender Ken Wregget

48 "Hockey would be a great game... if played in the mud." - Jimmy Cannon

49 "I don't like hockey. I'm just good at it." - Brett Hull

50 "I don't like my hockey sticks touching other sticks, and I don't like them crossing one another, and I kind of have them hidden in the corner. I put baby powder on the ends. I think it's essentially a matter of taking care of what takes care of you" - Wayne Gretzky

51 "I grabbed it and squeezed it back into place. It gave a little crunch and popped right in." - Jay Wells

52 "I had all my own teeth and I wanted to keep it that way." - Tom Glavine

53 "I just made up my mind that I was going to lose my teeth and have my face cut to pieces." - Johnny Bower

54 "I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been." - Wayne Gretzky

55 "I wouldn't ever go into a season trying to re-build from scratch. You can't trade good players for high picks because the world ends at the end of each season. Live with the idea that the world is flat and you're coming to the edge" - Neil Smith

56 "I'd drink more." - Bobby Hull

57 "I'd rather fight than score." - Dave "The Hammer" Schultz

58 "If hockey fights were fixed, I'd be in more of them." - Rod Gilbert

59 "If I get run into again, I'm taking someone with me. I lost one knee. I'll take a head if it happens again." - Grant Fuhr

60 "If I play badly I'll pick a fight in the third, just to get into a fight. I'll break a guy's leg to win, I don't care. Afterward I say, 'Yeah all right I played badly, but I won the fight so who gives a damn." - Derek Sanderson

61 "If you train hard, you'll not only be hard, you'll be hard to beat." - Herschel Walker

62 "I'm not dumb enough to be a goalie. - Brett Hull

63 "It's going to be good to be on his side for a change. I'll save a lot of energy since I don't have to concentrate on whacking him. I'm pretty excited about that. - Doug Gilmour

64 "I've always felt we weren't physical enough on the back line. Now there's a no-parking sign in front of our net." - Dean Lombardi

65 "I've told you guys before, goalies don't think. - Chris Osgood "Ever since he's been a little boo-aw." - Marc Crawford

66 "Playing goal is like being shot at." - Jacques Plante

67 "Some guys play hockey. Gretzky plays 40mph chess." - Lowell Cohn

68 "Sometimes you think they must have come out of the chimp cages at the Bronx zoo." - Gerry Cheevers

69 "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my xxxx clothes!" - Stu Grimson

70 "The hockey lockout of 1994-1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!" - Conan O'Brien

71 "The only way you can check Gretzky is to hit him when he is standing still singing the national anthem." - Harry Sinden

72 "They do a lot of talking, but I'm not sure they actually understand each other." - Darren McCarty

73 "They say you're not a coach in the league till you've been fired. I must be getting pretty good." - Terry Simpson

74 "We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor." - Bobby Clarke

75 "We're right next to Mile High Stadium. I'm no rocket scientist, but...uh...(smile)." - Brian Skrudland

76 "We've made a final offer. We hope Ziggy Palffy will come to his senses. We have NO hope his agent will." - Mike Milbury

77 "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." - Wayne Gretzky


****  Above is an exact copy from source, so please refer any typos you find to the source.  *****




 


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