FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: tampabays10.com

Police drive golf carts

BREMEN, Ohio (AP) — One Ohio county is saving gas by taking up golf or at least, golf carts. Sheriff's deputies have parked their gas-guzzling cruisers in the small town of Bremen and replaced them with golf carts. Fairfield County Sheriff's Sergeant Forrest Cassel says the carts do more than save money on gas. He notes the carts are open and encourage interaction between the public and deputies. He adds that people wave as deputies drive past in their golf carts.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: jhunewsletter.com

The strange and disturbing rituals of Hopkins sports teams

Out of Left Field
By: Demian Kendall
Posted: 5/1/08

I'm fully convinced that the Patriots lost the Superbowl because I switched seats at halftime. Because I got a haircut and shaved my beard before the game. Because my roommate got a new TV and I had to re-arrange the Patriots figures that previously sat atop it.

I wore the same Tom Brady jersey and the same New England knit cap (both unwashed all season) for every single game in the 2007 season. I covered myself in my emergency lucky blanket when games were close.


The sports world is one rich in ritual and superstition, not only for those die-hard fans who watch each game, but also for the players who actually suit up and play. This week, I spoke with several Hopkins athletes to find out what specific rituals they go through before or during a game or match. Some of the ones I found were relatively conventional. Some were just plain weird.

I sat down with two varsity wrestlers, sophomores Kyle Keane and James Gettinger and asked them how they felt about any lucky charms or rituals that they perform before a match, only to find that they held two polar opposite views on the subject.

"I never brush my teeth before a match or a tournament, and I always try to do the same warm-up before a match," Keane said. A little bit gross, but it seems to have paid off, as the sophomore wrestler has found success in the sport in his first two years at Hopkins.

Gettinger, however, refused to believe that luck has anything to do with his performance. "You can't shower 24 hours before a weigh-in, but that's not superstition; that's science," he said. "You just go wrestle. No superstitions involved."

While the wrestlers' habits may not be the most hygienic, sophomore goalie Mike Gvozden for the Hopkins men's lacrosse team performs somewhat healthier rituals for his pre-game.

"The night before a game I throw away all film and scouting reports on the team we are to play," he said. "I also go get Rita's Italian Ice with a few of my teammates. The day of the game I don't really have any rituals other than listening to music. I usually roll with Jordin Sparks, Michelle Branch and Natasha Bedingfield."

Even the top athletes at Hopkins aren't beyond performing a few superstitious acts before they play. Nationally ranked sophomore tennis player Dave Maldow has a very precise routine that he follows before and during each match.

"In between sets, I'll go towel off in the corner," he said. "Before a point, if I'm serving, I have a ritual of bouncing the ball five times, picking my spot on the court, then tapping my foot on the ground. Also, I listen to certain playlists like Van Halen or Jackson 5 before a match."

These rituals, however, aren't limited to the individual athlete. Several sports teams at Hopkins maintain long traditions in which the entire team participates.

Perhaps some of the oldest (and possibly strangest) traditions come from the generally wild characters of the Hopkins rugby team.

"After every match against another school the host team takes it upon themselves to procure beer for both teams to consume at the home team's rugby barracks," sophomore rugby player Christian Lewis said. "What ensues is a remarkably friendly (if not altogether civil) encounter, during which time both teams sing rugby songs. This is part of an old tradition and culture of friendly rivalry and thoroughly diseased senses of humor."

The team's so-called "diseased sense of humor" gets even sicker among the members of the actual team. Each rugby player, in their first semester on the team, receives a nickname which they will go by for the remainder of their time involved in the sport.

"These are unquestionably offensive or inappropriate, but a rite of passage for any young player," Lewis said. "Humiliating to the outside world in most cases, names such as Gaysian, Pinkd***, Tumor, Tits McGee and Tinkerbell have been given in the past. It further solidifies one's role in the greater social dynamic of this school (or most schools elsewhere) as a rugger."

Sophomore lacrosse attack Brett Bathras said, "We do this thing called 'the pipe game.' At the end of a practice before a game, we all get a ball (including our coaches and our trainers) and we shoot at the cage but aim to hit a pipe. We don't really read into what it means if certain people do or don't hit pipes but it's just something fun that we have to do before every game no matter if we won or lost the previous game."

Sophomore Dante Ross of the Hopkins crew team takes part in a tradition that has gone on for several years, a tradition that could eventually cost him the very shirt off his back.

"Betting shirts is still a thing that all the big-name crew teams do," Ross said. "All the teams have shirts and you go out on a race, whether you're racing head-to-head or with a few other boats, and you decide before the race 'hey, let's bet shirts.' So whoever wins the race gets the shirt off the back of all the other rowers. It's one of our big traditions."

Strange, unhealthy and often disgusting, this is what Hopkins athletes go through to do what they do. The rituals and superstitions off the field may even be as important as their performance on it.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

SPORTS QUOTES
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"Hockey's Eric Lindros has retired at 34, hastened by a series of concussions. Friends tell Lindros he had a terrific career."
— Greg Cote, of The Miami Herald
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"Chronically Concussed Eric Lindros Announces Retirement From Citibank."
— Headline on theonion.com
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"I swear on my mother's life — my late mother's life."
— Snooker legend Alex Higgins, speaking with the BBC
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"I was going to call him to borrow money, but I think I'll hold on that."
— Charles Barkley, on reports that Michael Jordan finally settled his divorce from Juanita Jordan for US $168-million.
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"I feel very comfortable with my decision. I think there is a problem that still exists. Now that the divorce has taken place, we're not sure who gets custody of Billy Crystal."
— Former New York Yankees manager Joe Torre, on leaving the Bronx.
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"Sidney Crosby's One-Goal, Two-Assist Performance Saves Hockey."
— Headline on theonion.com.
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"Hey, it looks like Barry Bonds might end up in pinstripes after all."
— Mike Bianchi, of the Orlando Sentinel, after Bonds was indicted.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

NBA Referee Tim Donaghy

SPORTS QUOTES
December, 2007

"Um, we both owned Alaska at one point." — Tennis player Dmitry Tursunov, born in Russia and a resident of the United States, on the similarities between the two countries.

"Every year we lose irreplaceable players, but every year more irreplaceable guys show up." — John Gagliardi, the football coach of St. John's University in Minnesota, on how he got to 453 career wins.

"Tim Donaghy, Villanova Class of '89." — Giant banner unrolled by Temple fans, referring to the disgraced NBA referee, during the second half of a basketball game against the Villanova Wildcats.

"I have received texts from many players who I have worked with, and top managers, and I have really appreciated them. Of course, I couldn't get e-mails, because now I haven't got a computer." — Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp, on having his home raided and a computer confiscated by police during an investigation into corruption in English soccer.

"We had better signs, but Belichick stole them." — Sign in the stands in Baltimore on Monday night, when the Ravens lost to Bill Belichick's New England Patriots.

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Image: blog.pennlive.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

SPORTS QUOTES
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"We're all on something — Viagra, Cialis and whatever that other one is."
— Golfer Joe Ogilvie, on the PGA testing for drugs.
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"It's not the sort of thing you expect at croquet. Perhaps it was a dry run for something later on. Perhaps he wants to get into the business."
— Rex Oliver, the public relations man for the Manawatu Croquet Club in Palmerston, New Zealand, after a male streaker interrupted a club day.
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"I told my mom I got hit by a car, and she was like, `Oh, lord, are you hurt?' I told her, `No, mom, I'm way bigger than the car.' "
— Boston Celtics rookie Glen (Big Baby) Davis, pictured, who is listed at 6-foot-9, 289 pounds, on getting hit by a two-seat Italian car while his team was at training camp in Italy.
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"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contribution to peace, human rights, religious understanding. Unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance- enhancing drugs." — Jimmy Kimmel.
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"The whole subject of repeating is already getting repetitive."
— Brent Barry, of the defending champion San Antonio Spurs.
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"Our coach can eat your coach."
— T-shirt popular with students at the University of Kansas, whose football coach, Mark Mangino, weighs close to 400 pounds.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreet.com

Mark Cuban and Dancing Partner on "Dancing with the Stars"

SPORTS QUOTES
September, 2007

"That's what I told the doctor: `What chance have I got of passing anything — did you see me play?' " — Plymouth soccer manager Ian Holloway, on his kidney stone.

"One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won't press charges. In exchange O.J. has promised not to double murder the man." — Conan O'Brien.

"He carries a little notebook around with him. The lads will be having a conversation and he'll write down some of the words he hears. Five minutes later he's laughing to himself, and that's when you know he has finally worked out what the boys have been saying to each other." — Darel Russell of Norwich City, an English soccer team, on Czech teammate David Strihavka.

"About three six-packs." — Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, on how long it took him to get over his team's shocking exit from last year's NBA playoffs.

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Image: wfaa.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

SPORTS QUOTES

August, 2007

"Huge scandals are rocking all three major sports right now: the NFL with Michael Vick, of course, the NBA with the gambling thing, baseball with steroids … I'll tell you, scandals can kill a sport. Remember hockey? I don't think hockey ever recovered from that Jason guy stabbing everybody." — Jay Leno.

"Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France." — Headline on theonion.com, one month after the Tour ended.

"Did you hear his excuse? He said, `The bitch set me up.' " — Jay Leno, on Michael Vick.

"Let's not rush to judgment. Maybe he had a good reason for electrocuting and shooting those dogs. Maybe they were conspiring to kill him." — Talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel.

"As anyone can plainly see, I'm 5-6 1/2 and a strapping 150. And unlike some people, I came by all of it naturally." — Broadcaster Bob Costas, after Barry Bonds called him "a little midget man."

"When we lose, I blame the referees anyway." — Golden State Warriors guard Baron Davis on why the Tim Donaghy gambling scandal won't cause him to scrutinize NBA referees any more closely.

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Image: images.salon.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

SPORTS QUOTES

July, 2007

"The hotels we stayed at with Richmond, the glass wasn't that clean." — Florida Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez, a former minor- league skipper at Triple-A Richmond, after walking into a glass partition in the lobby of the New York Hilton, bloodying his nose.

"I didn't see my career flash before my eyes or anything. Actually, I was thinking of me being a billionaire. " — Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp, on getting run over by ATV-riding mascot Mariner Moose outside the Red Sox dugout in Seattle.

"I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island." — Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas, nearly right.

"In the new Harry Potter movie, Harry defeats the evil wizard with a secret potion from Barry Bonds." — David Letterman.

"There will be no asterisk." — Michael Lough of the Macon Telegraph, on the best part of Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox, pictured, breaking the all-time record for ejections.

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Image: michronicleonline.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

Thanks, Jimmy Piersall!

SPORTS QUOTES

June, 2007

"I go up with a bottle of water, and come down with a bottle of something else." — NBC cameraman John Boeddeker, who spends up to seven hours filming the 17th hole at The Players Championship Sawgrass in a crane that does not feature a bathroom.

"He's not that good. It's all computer-generated. " — Cleveland Cavaliers forward Scot Pollard on teammate LeBron James.

"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again." — Former baseball player Jimmy Piersall, on how to put a diaper on a child.

"I have a message for the Lions organization. It might take awhile to get there, because I am sending it from Earth." — Michael Rosenberg, of the Detroit Free Press.

"It's become sort of official that John Daly is unlucky in love." — Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News, on the golfer's fifth wife allegedly attacking him with a steak knife.

"We knew there was more than one, and when they took a look, they said it was twins. Then we went back for another test, and they said it was triplets. I told my wife that if she went back again, she'd have to go by herself." — Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Luis Gonzalez, father of triplets, recalling his wife Christine's first visits to the doctor.

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Image: engagements.ca

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

Conan O'Brien

SPORTS QUOTES

May, 2007

"Here's my problem with Ultimate Fighting. If nobody dies, how ultimate is it?" — Syndicated columnist Norman Chad.

"The Warriors have a new slogan, `We Believe.' This replaces the Warriors' old slogan, `We're One of Several Teams in the NBA.'" — Talk-show host Conan O'Brien, on the sudden rise of the Golden State Warriors.

"I bought a Stairmaster. I stare at it every day." — Charles Barkley, pictured, on exercise.

"The commencement speaker at St. Louis University this year will be Yogi Berra, which has to make the English department a bit edgy." — Chris Foster, of the Los Angeles Times.

"There's still a lot of good hits in it, but I used up all the holding penalties." — Former Cleveland Browns tackle Doug Dieken, on rookie Joe Thomas inheriting his No. 73 jersey.

"He's Mormon. I said something else." — Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers, after the Celtics lost out on a coveted top-two pick in the NBA draft, causing general manager Danny Ainge to say, "Dang it."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

Barry Bonds (In drag)

SPORTS QUOTES

April, 2007

"You know what happened yesterday? Elton John turned 60 years old. He celebrated by having his 60th concert at Madison Square Garden. And then he beat the Knicks, 102-94." — Late-night host David Letterman.

"One year, I was like, `I need to go back and see how close I am to graduating.' I started adding up all my credits, and I asked the guy, `What am I?' He says, `You're a freshman.' " — Charles Barkley, who spent three years at Auburn. (JIM NOTE: Gee, go figure)

"I made an attempt in junior, but ended up with a moustache." — Sidney Crosby on playoff beards.

"I just wrote down 3 for every hole. Nobody checked." — Masters champion Zach Johnson, reading from David Letterman's "Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I've Won the Masters."

"His statue has yet to pick a fight with the bronze likeness of Joe Louis' fist down the street." — Chris Foster, of the Los Angeles Times, on the most surprising thing about the statue of Gordie Howe that was unveiled outside Joe Louis Arena.

"He looking for changeup. He find it." — Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Yusmeiro Petit, on what happened when he gave up Barry Bonds' 740th career home run.

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Image: funnyhub.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

Image: amazon.com
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SPORTS QUOTES
March, 2007

"Yeah, I'll be 60 or 70, all wrinkled and hangin' out at the old folks' home. But I'll look tough, and I'll be getting all the women." — Toronto Maple Leaf Wade Belak, on his numerous tattoos.

"Some people get vasectomies. I used to give them." — Former NFL lineman Conrad Dobler, who many consider to be the dirtiest player in NFL history.

"I looked at him in the room today. He's 6-4, 240, so I think I'll just let it go." — Detroit Red Wings defenceman Chris Chelios, pictured at right, on letting bygones be bygones with then-new teammate Todd Bertuzzi pictured at left.

"It also forbids eating shellfish. If being gay is as bad as going to Red Lobster, I'm not really worried about it." — John Amaechi, the former NBA centre who came out, on people who cite the Old Testament of the Bible as a basis for disapproval of homosexuality.

"We were the worst team I'd ever seen last year. Now we're just bad. It's like a crippled guy wiggling his toe." — Comedian Chris Rock, on his beloved New York Knicks.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

John Force

SPORTS QUOTES

February, 2007

"The fact we've been doing it for 10 days and nobody's noticed tells you how it's going." — Dallas Mavericks backup Austin Croshere, on the decision by the team's reserves to abandon their group beard- growing initiative.

"Here's a strange story: All high-school wrestling in the state of Minnesota — the entire state — has been temporarily suspended because of a herpes outbreak. Let me tell you something: If you're catching herpes from wrestling, you're pinning the guy all wrong." — Jay Leno.

"I'm thinking of taking a window cleaner's job to fill the spare hour in the evening." — Manager Stuart Pearce, on being the boss of both Manchester City and the England under-21 soccer team.
"Those two Gonzaga basketball players who got pulled over smelled of marijuana and had a Baggie of dried mushrooms and three foil-wrapped brownies with them? Where were they coming from? The '70s?" — Jerry Greene of the Orlando Sentinel.

"People ask me how long I went to college, and I tell them, `Until noon.' " — Drag racer John Force, who apparently did actually leave East L.A. College at 12:15 on his first day of school.

"USC club-hockey goalie Mickey Meyer, irate at the officiating, dropped his pants and mooned the crowd in a game against BYU, the Logan Herald-Journal [Utah] reported, leading to his ejection and a ticket for lewdness. Or to put it in hockey terms, a crease violation." — Dwight Perry, of The Seattle Times.

"I drink light beer." — New York Mets outfielder Moises Alou, who is now 40, on the secret to his longevity.

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Image: danspitstopracing.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: backstreets.com

Image: theglycerintekneek.com

Mike York

SPORTS QUOTES

January, 2007

"I scooped them all up and took them over to our trainer. I said, `Here, hang on to these. I might need them later.'" — Former defenceman Tom Reid, recalling when 13 of his teeth were liberated by Bob Probert.

"It's the worst. You can't ice your brain." — New York Islanders centre Mike York, on concussions.

"It's like any other small town, except some idiot decided to name it Santa Claus." — Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler, pictured, on his hometown of Santa Claus, Ind.

"Mully called me on New Year's Eve and asked me if I liked Sambuca, and I said, `Yeah.' And he went out there and signed this guy, Azubuike. I thought it was a drink, and he was talking about a player." — Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson, on his general manager, Chris Mullin, signing guard Kelenna Azubuike.

"She came out with a bruise on her eye. I thought, `Atta girl, she's a scrapper.' " — Former U.S. women's soccer star Julie Foudy, on her newborn daughter.

"David Beckham is coming to the United States. People say he could make a huge impact on the way Americans ignore soccer." — Talk-show host Jay Leno.

"Mike Nifong, the prosecutor in the Duke lacrosse rape case, asked to be removed from the case on Friday. Said Nifong, `I promised myself I would get out when it stopped being fun.' " — Amy Poehler, on Saturday Night Live.

"Now that you mention it, they did go to the mall on Monday." — Golfer Paul Goydos, on whether his daughters were excited by his victory in the Sony Open, which netted him a career-high US$936,000.