FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

Image: itsalreadysigned4u.com
.
SPORTS QUOTES

"It's one of those scenarios you feel will never happen to you. Nobody thinks they're going to be the one, whatever, to get in a car wreck to have their, you know, their kids killed in a plane crash, whatever, you don't think those things are going to happen to you. And I didn't think that I'd be traded. So."-- Bronson Arroyo on being traded to the Reds

"When I think of Minneapolis, I think of Prince."-- Georgetown coach John Thompson III, when asked his thoughts on the city that would play host to his team's Sweet Sixteen matchup with Florida

"I remember draft night, I shook David Stern's hand while rocking a red suit with white pinstripes and red gators … I've always been a trendsetter."-- Jalen Rose

"I think dropping 44 on Coolio one night."-- Roger Lodge on his career highlight in the NBA Entertainment League

"He's more like Jesus than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the parting of the Red Sea."-- Chipper Jones on what it's like to play with Roger Clemens

"Are you basing it on the regular season or the playoffs? I mean, it's hard to compare guys that have never been to the Finals to other players. If you gear yourself to play six months of the year, it's completely different than gearing yourself to play nine months a year. My whole focus was trying to gear myself to play nine months a year."-- Larry Bird, responding to Tommy Heinsohn's comment that Paul Pierce was the greatest offensive player in Celtics history

"Arousal-control has been an issue for me since the beginning of my career."-- Bode Miller

"What comes out of the microwave hot doesn't always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning."-- Shaquille O'Neal, following the Heat's comeback win over the Celtics

"It was shock. You almost feel you have three or four innings to play, but you go home."-- Alex "Mr. March" Rodriguez after losing to Mexico in the WBC

"If someone saw me in the shower, they'd never think I was on the juice."-- Jason Schmidt

"He worries about what people say about him and he Googles himself."-- David Wells on Bud Selig

"I've won Player of the Month before. They don't ever give me anything for it. A new car, something, a plaque."-- Paul Pierce

"Because I want to have my arm in good shape, I need to have my legs in good shape. Without a leg, there is no arm."-- Pedro Martinez

"People say I'm a gold digger, but do you see me wearing gold? No. I'm wearing diamonds."-- Anna Benson

"It wasn't even close; I was awesome."-- Daryl Strawberry, on whether he saw any similarities between Mets' top hitting prospect Lastings Milledge and himself

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

Image: cache.viewimages.com
.
SPORTS QUOTES

"Every time that I have ever tried to help a woman out, I have been incarcerated."-- Jose Canseco on "The Surreal Life"

"It was another 'Nip/Tuck' game, which you can see on Fox, and now we're heading back to 'The OC' which you can also see on Fox."-- Chris Myers closing out his postgame report after a White Sox-Angels game

"I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."-- Marcus Camby (who will make $7.15 million this season) on the NBA invoking a new dress code

"This is my first summer [with] no trouble. I ain't go to jail for speeding. Didn't go to jail for DUI. I didn't break my foot. I didn't break my other foot. I'm one step ahead of the game already."-- Kwame Brown

"The one thing I've noticed about our new uniforms is the players aren't complaining too much. If they're happy, we're happy. Even Stephen Jackson looks good."-- Larry Bird on the Pacers' new uniforms

"You better go stand after a tree full of birds."-- My Uncle Rick's e-mail after the Red Sox lost to Chicago in the ALDS

"Bud Light."-- St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter when asked to name his favorite pitcher.

"Half is not enough protection, half is my fault and half is them just doing a good job. I know it's 150 percent, but I'm a little tired now."-- Marc Bulger

"It's not how you go into the party. It's how you go out."-- Manny Ramirez on the Red Sox-Yankees series.

"I'd fire him."-- Former 76ers owner Pat Croce, asked what he'd do to Raptors GM Rob Babcock if he worked for him.

"There's nothing to say. The game's over. It's not going to change the score."-- Steelers president Dan Rooney on the 52 seconds that were mistakenly added to the game clock in the Patriots' 23-20 win over Pittsburgh

"You think every hitter out there wins a Gold Glove? Dude, Jose Canseco won an MVP."-- David Ortiz, as quoted in the New York Times

"I'm very rarely beyond words, and I am right now."-- John O'Hurley after learning he had won his rematch against Kelly Monaco on "Dancing with the Stars"

''I can't say that I am."-- Mike Timlin when asked by the Boston Globe if he is operating on fumes after giving up three earned runs to the Devil Rays

"Pretty much, I think so. Yeah."-- Barry Bonds on whether or not Congress is wasting its time looking into steroids in sports

"Even bad teams have optimism. You don't want to take away the optimism so early in the season. The Bad News Bears coach wouldn't even tell [his team] that."-- Jalen Rose on Raptors GM Rob Babcock's negative comments about the upcoming season

"It was exciting and actually a turning point in our relationship. It was exciting because it was Fenway Park."-- Jose's ex-wife Jessica Canseco commenting on having sex in an office in Fenway

"He said on the mound he didn't try to hit me. I just looked at him and said, 'Come on man.' It really hurt. He nearly took my nipple off."-- Blue Jays 1B Eric Hinske, whose right nipple was taped and iced after being plunked by Keith Foulke

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

Image: msnbcmedia2.msn.com
.
SPORTS QUOTES

"This, of course, can in some way hurt his career as a professional ballplayer ... "-- Ugueth Urbina's defense lawyer, Jose Luis Tamayo, commenting on Urbina being charged with attempted murder

"Live every moment to the fullest and love like you'll never be hurt."-- Renee Thomas, Panthers cheerleader, on the most important thing in life, according to her NFL.com profile

"If they let the cheerleaders date the players, then they wouldn't have to go make out with each other."-- Cris Carter trying to make sense of the Carolina cheerleaders scandal on "Inside the NFL"

"He can become like a thumb that you need to suck when trouble's going on, and you just stick it back in your mouth. You don't want [his teammates] to do that with Kobe."-- Phil Jackson on Kobe Bryant

"Ain't no power down there, you know? I was headed down South, but when they told me they had no power and a curfew [laugh] ... Edge needs power and Edge don't need no curfew. Edge time is Edge time."-- Edgerrin James on why he didn't go to Florida during his bye week

"We don't know where the cutoff is, maybe if you earn less than $8 million, you'll get a scholarship from the commissioner."-- David Stern's answer to Marcus Camby's request for a clothing stipend

"My dad, Sylvester Stallone and the Pope."-- Vinny Testaverde's answer when asked who he would pick if he could have dinner with any three people in the world

"Sometimes, you wake up and you say, 'Man, I didn't have anything to drink last night. I didn't have anything fattening. So why do I want to puke?' Then you realize, 'Oh, that's right.' You start remembering what's going on in your life." -- Vikings coach Mike Tice

"I'm not really understanding a baseball game. I know a couple rules, but not all the rules. I like to see those fans. I can feel the heat."-- Yao Ming on baseball

"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player." -- Mark Pope on his chances of making the Nuggets' roster

"Oh no. None of that. Sex? What are you talking about? That's crazy. Look man, I'm engaged. That would put me in trouble."-- Viking Mewelde Moore when questioned about the activities on the boats several Vikings players chartered.

"You want me to take the time to count 'em? No comment."-- Jalen Rose, when asked how many of his Raptors teammates are question marks

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

Image: thenastyboys.files.wordpress.com
.

SPORTS QUOTES

"I must have made him mad ... I stole his cheeseburger or something. I was surprised. I kind of laughed. I enjoy when people hate me. That makes me happy, so he's made my whole week." -- Bears C Olin Kreutz responding to Vikings DT Pat Williams calling Kruetz "nothing but a joke"

"Honestly, this is probably going to strike a nerve with a lot of people. But my most memorable Christmas memory was having all of my uncles and aunties out of prison for one Christmas, and that includes me. We had a lot of run-ins with the law, and to have us all out at one time was great."-- Wizards forward Caron Butler

"Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn't help him, I'd pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That's the type of guy Ray Lewis is." -- Shannon Sharpe

"Wells Fargo will contribute $5,000 to the 49ers Foundation to help under-served youth in the Bay Area for every 49ers touchdown scored this season. [Pause] There's going to be a lot of sad kids."-- Joe Starkey, 49ers radio broadcaster

"I'm traveling to all 51 states to see who can stop 85."-- Chad Johnson

"I've been clean since I've been in the league, I've been clean since I've been in college, I've been clean since I've been in high school, middle school, elementary school. I'm just cleaner than clean. I'm cleaner than Pine-Sol."-- Sonics F Reggie Evans in response to the drug test he was required to take at halftime

"Was that one of the more satisfying dumps you've had?"-- Sideline reporter Suzy Shuster to Nebraska head coach Bill Callahan after he was doused with Gatorade

"When you're kind of the ugly stepsister, you just go to the prom with whoever asks you."-- Miami Hurricanes coach Larry Coker on not playing in a BCS bowl

"Because this is football, man. This is the game you love, man. We was playing this game for free when we was born. It ain't all about the bread, you know?" -- Charles Rogers on how he could produce for a team that's trying to take back more than $10 million from him

"We're like Tim Duncan and David Robinson. But a younger version. I really feel that."-- Charlie Villanueva on playing alongside Chris Bosh

"By the time we got [to Detroit], it was almost 2 in the morning, because ain't nothing open but hospitals, jails and legs." -- Jalen Rose

"I'm telling you, Darko is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there [in Serbia-Montenegro]. He can go psycho on guys."-- Rasheed Wallace on teammate Darko Milicic

"I cherished getting kicked out of school. It was a great thing. I became a millionaire."-- Heat G Jason Williams on what he cherishes about his days at the University of Florida

"He's not 20 years old. No way. I'm going to have to see a birth certificate or something."-- Antawn Jamison, on LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

Image: seattletimes.nwsource.com
.

SPORTS QUOTES

.

"I think it's better to buy real estate than say, a yellow and purple Corvette or an elephant that can speak sign language. My parents help me out a lot with that stuff. They don't want to see me when I'm 30, dead broke, selling bootleg tapes of my snowboard movies on the side of the freeway." -- Olympic gold medalist Shaun White on how he spends his endorsement money

"Just because I got traded doesn't mean we'll be able to compete with the Spurs and Pistons right away." -- Jalen Rose on his trade to 14-34 Knicks

"Looking back, there may have been a few things I would have done differently."-- Former Raptors GM Rob Babcock

"I despise cool. I've never seen one frickin' person who was cool who I liked."-- Roy Williams explaining why he benched his starters Tuesday night

"In some way, Jerome [Bettis] has touched every person on this team."-- Hines Ward

"I've been in the closet with it for a while. I don't know, guess I would have to say I'm the rookie of the year."-- Kevin Federline on the projected success of his upcoming album

"Teach math classes in elementary schools throughout the country."-- Ron Artest on his New Year's resolution

"It was very tacky on the prosecuting attorney's part. Usually, you get two or three weeks so we can at least prepare, but he must not have kids. He's not a very nice guy, anyway."-- John Daly on his wife getting arrested before the Buick Invitational

"This deal totally shifts the balance of power in the East. Now we can add the Celtics to the list of teams that UConn could beat."-- Charles Barkley on the recent Celtics trade

"People touching me. On our team, we got a lot of young guys and they always want to poke at you and tickle you and stuff, and I really hate that." -- Eddy Curry on his pet peeves

"They should have focused more on me."-- Sebastian Telfair of the Portland Trailblazers, giving his opinion of the ESPN documentary "Through the Fire" about ... him

"I'm not a very good player, but I will bring a presence [where] there's not many cliques. If there's an intangible, I bring that intangible."-- Kevin Millar on why he is the Tom Brady of the Baltimore Orioles

"It's what he's done his whole career."-- Nets coach Lawrence Frank on Vince Carter stepping up his game when needed

"I may not be a class act, but I'm an American."-- Ron Artest on wanting to play for the Olympic team

"Anytime you bring Michael Olowokandi on to your team, disaster is soon to follow." -- Bill Walton

"I felt like I could ride this one into the sunset."-- Mike Martz on the end of his tenure with the St. Louis Rams

"I'm not going to argue with you, Ernie. I'll hit you in the left eye."-- Charles Barkley to Ernie Johnson during halftime of the Cleveland-Houston game on TNT

"He's always been good to my family, we have talked on special occasions. We're still giving each other advice." -- LeBron James on Maurice Clarett

"I told them we're bowl-eligible. We've got seven wins."-- Larry Brown on his New Year's message to the Knicks

"I'm not the best rapper in the NBA. Elton Brand is better than me. Stephen Jackson is better than me. Troy Hudson is nice. Troy Hudson has fire."-- Ron Artest

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

Image: thesportshernia.typepad.com
.
SPORTS QUOTES

"It was like my best friend in America."-- Warriors forward Andris Biedrins, talking about his Porsche Cayenne SUV, which was totaled when he was rear-ended last week

"Regis is in the house."-- Regis Philbin was at Sunday's Lakers-Celtics game. According to LA Times reporter Mike Bresnahan, he "strolled through the Laker locker room with a seven-person entourage before the game and offered (Phil) Jackson the opportunity to fire up the team by telling players, 'Regis is in the house.' Philbin also asked (Kobe) Bryant to pound his chest after making his first shot, which he did after making a three-pointer in the first quarter and looking over to Philbin in the second row"

"I always say Manny [Ramirez] is a strange guy. Outwardly, he's happy-go-lucky. On the inside, he's got a lot of conspiracy theories going on. I would say Manny might be one of these guys when he's 50 years old, he might be in his house with all the blinds shut kind of looking out like the CIA's out there. You don't know, man. I mean, you don't know what's going on in the interior with him. So you don't worry about it."-- Bronson Arroyo

"You didn't write a story about my Hall of Fame induction. You guys never report the good stuff that I do."-- Albert Belle, who has never been inducted into the Hall, on his recent stalking charge

"I'm sure he is embarrassed by the situation. There's nothing he can do about it now except to make sure that he is aware of where his weapons are."-- Nate McMillan on Blazers' PG Sebastian Telfair's concealed weapons charge

"Count me among those who don't care about them and won't watch them. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world's greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention."-- Bryant Gumbel on HBO's "Real Sports"

"It's the same with [Nomar] Garciaparra playing for Mexico. Garciaparra only knows Cancun because he went to visit."-- Ozzie Guillen on MLB players trying to decide which WBC team to play for

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: tim.rawle.org

SOCCER QUOTES

"Meanwhile, it's Birmingham nil, Spurs nil: that one will be kicking off in a couple of hours."Talk Sport

"He's just thrown his head in there and it's just come off."John Duncan

"There is only one word to describe football and that is 'if only'."Bobby Robson

"I can assure West Ham fans that no stone will be unearthed in our preparation for next week."Alan Pardew

"Keith Gillespie... just lacks a bit of inconsistency."Graeme Le Saux

"I don't know where this Arctic wind has come from, but it's freezing."Alan Green

"There's a whole lot of teams in the bottom six."Graeme Le Saux

"The offside flag went up immediately, if not before."Jonathan Park

"Mido goes down clutching his right head."Alan Green

"I know what my strengths are, and I know what my not strengths are."Adrian Boothroyd

"That's really one of those double-ended sticks."Lawrie Sanchez

"He's gone down like he's been felled by a tree."Andy Gray

"In Manchester you are either Blue or Red... there's no two ways about it."Chris Cooper

"If they can beat Spain again, it will be a good scalpel."Ian Wright

"When it comes to Michael Owen's foot, there will be a cut-off date when it's right or not."Mike Parry

"For Burton, to play Man United in this replay is a one-off."Ian Wright

"I didn't say them things I said."Glenn Hoddle

"It was the perfect penalty - apart from he missed it."Rob McCaffrey

"He's gone into countless challenges, and won both of them."Guy Mowbray

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."Terry Venables

"Such a positive move by Uruguay, bringing two players off and putting two players on."John Helm

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."Tom Ferrie

"Winning isn't the end of the world."David Pleat

"In terms of the Richter scale this defeat was a force eight gale."John Lyall

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."Brian Moore

"And with just 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."Ian Dark

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."David Acfield

"I never predict anything and I never will do."Paul Gascoigne

"...and tonight we have the added ingredient of Kenny Dalglish not being here."Martin Tyler

"If you never concede a goal, you're going to win more games than you lose."Bobby Moore

"Perry Groves scoring that Arsenal goal three minutes before the first half."Mike Ingham

"He is without doubt the greatest sweeper in the world, I'd say, at a guess."Ron Atkinson

"This night of disappointment has been brought to you by ITV and National Power."Brian Moore
"As with most things in football the goalposts keep changing."David Rhodes

"Six inches either side of the post and that would have been a goal..."Radio Newcastle

"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."Steve Coppell

"The new West stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."Chris Jones

"Stoichkov's had a quiet game, but that's often the hallmark of greatness."Mike Ingham

"If it stays as it is I can't see it altering."Graham Taylor

"Hoddle by name, Hoddle by nature..."BBC 1

"I don't hold water with that theory."Ron Greenwood

"Woodcock would have scored but his shot was just too perfect."Ron Atkinson

"It's Great Britain in the all-white strip, with the red and blue V, the dark shorts and the dark stockings."Ray French

"He had an eternity to play that ball... but he took too long over it."Martin Tyler

"We were unanimous - well, you two were."Elton Welsby

"It's a very flat three-man back four."Gordon Cox

"And that's Aston Villa's first league goal since their last one."Elton Welsby

"The drought which has plagued Manchester United all season now seems to have evaporated."James Reeves

"I'd say he is the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence."Bobby Robson

"30 minutes to go, and it's still 1-0 a-piece."Scot FM

"He is only 20, but he's already playing for the England Under-21 side."Kick Off Live

"There's a snap about Liverpool that just isn't there!"Ron Atkinson

"They'll perhaps finish in the top three. I can't see them going any higher."Don Howe

"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw..."Kevin Keegan

"In a sense it's a one-man show... except there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper."John Motson

"It was a definite penalty but Wright made a right swan-song of it."Jack Charlton

"If you don't want to know the result, look away now as we show you Tony Adams lifting the cup for Arsenal."Steve Rider

"He was the same age as me at the time."John Aldridge

"Tony Bank's described the English fans arrested in Marseilles as 'brain dead louts'. This goes for me as well."Football Supporters Assoc.

"It was still moving when it hit the back of the net."Kevin Keegan

"The good news for Paraguay is that they've gone two-nil down so early on."Kevin Keegan

"That's no remedy for success."Chris Waddle

"Louis Figo is different to David Beckham, and vice versa."Kevin Keegan

"From that moment the pendulum went into reverse."Gerald Sindstat

"He is a goal scorer, not a natural born one - not yet. That takes time."Glenn Hoddle

"So this movie you star in, 'The Life Story of George Best', tell us what it's about."George Gavin

"That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass."Murdo Macleod

"They used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil - or even less."Nasser Hussain

"Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today."Steve Lomas

"They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: jimpoz.com

Nestor Chylak.

Born May 11, 1922 Peckville, Pennsylvania

Died February 17, 1982 Dunmore, Pennsylvania

American League umpire. Inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1999.

BASEBALL QUOTE
On being a Major League Baseball umpire:
This must be the only job in America that everybody knows how to do better than the guy who’s doing it.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: jimpoz.com

Thomas John
Tommy John.
Born
May 22, 1943Terre Haute, Indiana
Pitcher, primarily for the Dodgers (1972-78) and Yankees (1979-82, 1986-89). His 26-year career is the second longest all-time. He was immortalized as the namesake for a type of elbow ligament replacement surgery, known simply as "Tommy John surgery."

BASEBALL QUOTE

I have four basic pitches: fastball, curve, slider and change-up, plus eight illegal ones.