Bofa D's Guide To Strange Minor League Baseball Mascots
When a team starts to play, one thing has the biggest impact on the outcome of the game. Not the players, not the coaches, not even the crowd noise. No, the biggest determiner of greatness is the mascot. We've already brought you our handy Guide to Funny College Mascots. But perhaps even more crucial are baseball mascots. Let's face it, baseball can be kind of boring. We depend on these zany mascots to keep us awake when even the Guide to Funny Sports Sayings fails to entertain us (if that is possible). So, we undertook the task of analyzing each mascot in minor league baseball. Teams that took the easy way out and used the major league team's mascot were not considered (sorry Burlington Royals). Here are ten of the best mascots in the game today, followed by ten that, while not necessarily the worst, are pretty much sucky.
1. Boudreaux D. Nutria: The New Orleans Zephyrs mascot is pretty cool. First, he looks like a Beaver - so you can yell "Nice Beaver" during the game. That joke never gets old. Second, he's not even a beaver. He's a nutria. Apparently, Nutria were brought to the area way back in the day as a potential food source. But, people soon realized they are gross and they multiply too fast. So now pretty much everyone hates them and the government pays people to kill them. Naming your team after that is awesome. I also like the "D." part of the name, replacing "the" - that's creative. And finally, he has a girlfriend, so he's a pimp.
2. Champ: At first, I thought Champ the Lake Monster sucked. I couldn't figure out what the hell a lake monster had to do with Vermont, and why it was named Champ. But, upon further investigation, Champ is now one of my favorites. Apparently there is one of those Loch Ness monsters in Lake Champlain, which explains the monster and the name "Champ." Genius. Add the fact that he looks cool, drives a car, and has a gun looking thingy, and Champ is ... the champ!
3. Modesto Nuts: Remember when I said Champ was the coolest. I was wrong. The Modesto Nuts are the coolest. No other team has a built in deez nuts joke! This is perfect for taking a date to the game. You: Hey, wanna see my nuts? Date: Are you inviting me to look at your testicles? You: No, I'm talking about Al the Almond and Wally the Walnut! That is, unless you want to see my testicles...
4. Wally the Warthog: Do warthogs actually live in Winston-Salem? I don't care! Warthogs are cool and badass and that makes for a great mascot.
5. Muddy: Muddy is the Toledo Mudhen. A Mud Hen is a marsh bird with short wings and long legs that inhabits swamps or marshes. Toledo gets extra points for being the mudhens since 1896, which was before I was born. Finally, I like the kids club name - "Muddy's Buddies." I don't know why, but it makes me laugh.
6. Muddy: No, this isn't a typo. There is another Muddy in town, Muddy the Mudcat (which I think is a catfish or something), of the Carolina Mudcats. The fact that Muddy can survive on land even though he is a fish gives him some cool points.
7. Hamilton R. Head: This mascot for the Jupiter Hammerheads is yet another source of comedy. His name is clearly an attempt to sound like 'hammerhead' but I don't think it worked so well. But, the shark is redeemed by the fact that his last name is 'Head'. If you've read this website, you can probably do something funny with that.
8. Webbly: The Everett AquaSox has to be the lamest name of all time. It's like they realized that Sox was boring, so they threw "aqua" in front of it. But, Webbly is pretty cool. He's a frog, and he seems to have a hotdog sidekick named Frank N. Furter that carts him around. Only the coolest mascots have sidekicks.
9. Splash: The Myrtle Beach Pelicans' mascot has a future so bright, he has to wear shades.
We now, we've shown you 
10. Big Mo: I have to admit that I was less than pleased that the mascot for the Montgomery Biscuits was not a biscuit. That would be cool. But the Biscuits' website says this about Big Mo: "He's fuzzy, he's orange, he's seven feet of biscuit lovin' beast! He's Big Mo and when you see him around town, you better watch your biscuits! That curiously long nose of his might just scarf up your lunch if you're not careful." Genius. Check him out, he's got a huge pot belly and a double chin! How many mascots have a double chin?
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