FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: timesonline.co.uk

SPORTS QUOTES
Quotes from the year 2004
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MOTORCYCLING
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"This is my gift to everybody. It is my gift to the fans, the other riders, the show."
- Valentino Rossi on why he left the all-conquering Honda for an ailing Yamaha team.
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"All Honda are bastards."
- Rossi in pithier mood after his old team's complaints led to a time penalty in Qatar.
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"I will finish my career with Yamaha."
- Rossi rubs salt into the wounds after defying the odds to win the world title with his new team.
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"If you got beaten up in the street, you wouldn't say, 'how's your sledgehammer?'"
- Neil Hodgson, asked what he said when the Briton confronted Max Biaggi after a clash in the Czech Grand Prix.
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CRICKET
"He is going to get a hell of a lot better. People might be surprised to hear that but you have got to remember he is still as rough as guts."
- Richie Benaud, the former Australia captain and doyen among commentators, on Stephen Harmison, the England fast bowler.
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"I think there are a couple of players who need their butts kicked."
- Ray Jennings, the new South Africa coach, shows why he has a reputation for straight talking.
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"I'm gonna turn on the heat, make him or break him ... no soft option."
- Jennings again on his proposed course of TLC with Jacques Kallis.
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"If England fire a rifle, I want to fire a cannon. If they fire a peashooter, I want us to be firing a bazooka."
- Jennings the Jaw once more, this time on his plans to tackle Harmison.
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"Come on, his sleeves are absolutely unique."
- a female fan in Calcutta explains how to recognise Sachin Tendulkar.
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"I'll tell you what pressure is. Pressure is a Messerschmitt up your arse. Playing cricket is not."
- The late Keith Miller puts life in perspective.
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"I didn't want to go then, so why should I want to go now?"- Andrew Flintoff confirms he never had any intention of touring Zimbabwe.
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RACING
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"I believe one race per day in British racing to be fixed."
- Chris Bell, the chief executive of Ladbrokes, expresses his fears over racing in the 21st century.
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"I'm just an old, broken-down taxi-driver who got lucky in the [Grand] National - again."
- Ginger McCain, the trainer of Red Rum, after securing his fourth Aintree triumph, this time with Amberleigh House.
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"This one's very special - I'd forgotten what it felt like."
- Frankie Dettori after winning the jockeys' title for the first time in nine years.
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RUGBY UNION
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"If I haven't taken too many bangs on the head by the end of my career, I might just start thinking about using my brain again."
- Lawrence Dallaglio on life after rugby union.
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"At least this time I haven't been the subject of a poll comparing me with Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden."
- Colin Charvis, the captain of Wales, speaking about his popularity in the Principality.
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"If I am in a minority of one it does not mean to say I am wrong."
- Sir Clive Woodward, the retiring England head coach, on his disagreements with the RFU over the future of the national team.
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"We are not calling them the All Blacks this week. They are New Zealand, which is a poxy little island in the Pacific Ocean."
- Scott Johnson, the assistant Wales coach and an Australian, gives his verdict on his Antipodean neighbours.
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"I apologise to all New Zealanders. In fact, it's two islands."- Johnson piles on the agony.
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RUGBY LEAGUE
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"We had prepared to play George Foreman and got George Formby."
- Brian Noble, the Bradford Bulls coach, on St Helens sending a drastically weakened team to Odsal.
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"Worry is like a rocking-chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere."
- Wayne Bennett, the Australia coach, on coping with pressure.
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"We trained like Tarzan all week, then played like Jane."
- Frank Endacott, the Widnes coaching adviser, after the Vikings' 40-6 hammering away to Wakefield Trinity Wildcats.

"Wigan doesn't offer much in the way of waves."- Peter Doust, the St George-Illawarra Dragons chief executive, fends off a bid from land-locked Wigan Warriors for Mark Gasnier, the Australia centre.
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TENNIS
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"When I was 12 he told me to keep breaking rackets."
- Mario Ancic, the conqueror of Tim Henman at Wimbledon, recalls a pearl from Goran Ivanisevic.
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"I was saying bad things about myself. There was a darkness in my brain."- Ivanisevic bows out of Wimbledon in time-honoured fashion.
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"I am going to miss everything, the guys, serving aces on 15-40, talking to the umpire, watching the Teletubbies."
- Ivanisevic after playing his final game at the All England Club.
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"If ice-cream is a steroid, I'm definitely positive for that."- Mark Philippoussis after being asked if he was one of the players, alongside Greg Rusedski, to have tested positive for nandrolone.
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GOLF
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"If it's an exam paper, they're asking you a question that there's no answer to. It's playing downwind and the flag's cut on a downslope."
- Lee Westwood on the short 17th at Shinnecock Hills, where the greens for the US Open were criticised for being far too fast.
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"This match means bugger-all to me personally."- Colin Montgomerie, the Europe hero, on how he forgets himself and plays for the team in the Ryder Cup.
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"There is no clause in the rules which says anything about Union Jack trousers and we shall not be asking Ian to change them."
- Peter Dawson, the chief executive of the R&A, after Ian Poulter's sartorial excesses for his first round at the Open at Royal Troon.
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"I've had lots of comments and 99.9 per cent of them have made me regret what I said."- Paul Casey on the reaction to his comments that he "hated" the Americans in the Ryder Cup.
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SNOOKER
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"I was thinking of my Dad watching the final on television in prison. I can't wait to go and visit him - this title was for him."- Ronnie O'Sullivan after his world title victory over Graeme Dott.
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CYCLING
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"The harder you practise the luckier you get and it's great to be back in yellow."
- Lance Armstrong after winning a record sixth Tour de France in succession.
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DARTS
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"He has got to drop the weight. If he doesn't, it's going to kill him."
- Phil "The Power" Taylor offers some advice to 30st Andy Fordham after he had pulled out midway through their much-hyped televised showdown because of an asthma attack.
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