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BASEBALL UMPIRE HUMOR \ QUOTES
Heckles, putdowns, comebacks to and from baseball umpires
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Umpire Disses
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Hey ump is that a dinner plate? Apparently it has no corners!
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I've seen better calls at a square dance!
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I've seen better calls between two tin cans and a piece of string!
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I've seen better blue in a toilet bowl!
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Its a strike zone, not an end zone!
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Come on blue, turn that mask around and get a GOOD look!!
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How about asking the audience? Do you want to use another lifeline?
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What were you, a lookout a Pearl Harbor?
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I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog!
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If it was a donut you would have gotten there! (Umps out of position)
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How many fingers am I holding up?
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Can I pet your Seeing Eye dog after the game?
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Have they stopped printing the rulebooks in Braille?
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Don't donate your eyes to science, they don't want em'
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Pull the good eye out of your pocket.
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I thought only horses slept standing up!
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Flip over the plate and read the directions.
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That was a strike in any bowling alley!
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You flipping coins?
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When your dog barks twice, its a strike!
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Next time buy a ticket if you're going to watch!
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I bet if you had a biscuit that plate would be clean!
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Do you get any better or is this it?
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Munch! Munch! Munch! The Ump is out to lunch!
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I'm gonna break your cane and sell your dog.
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You couldn't make the right call if you had a phone book.
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You couldn't make a call in a phone booth
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If the pitcher is throwing too fast for you, we can ask him to slow it down.
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You're getting better, you almost made the right call that time!
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Punch a hole in that mask, you're missing a good game!
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I've seen potatoes with better eyes!
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Careful...The Umpires Fight Back...
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If I could afford the wood, I'd have your mouth boarded up!
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If you're so important, why aren't the seats facing you?
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Man, you're ugly, I bet if I follow you home, someone ugly will open the door!
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Shouldn't you be at home airing up the tires on your house?
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He got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
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If you were any more stupid, you'd have to be watered twice a week.
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Here's an alcoholic who doesn't want to remain anonymous.
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What's the matter, kid, didn't you get enough attention at home?
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Don't yell at me, I ain't your mother.
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Now I know why some animals eat their young.
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You make me wish I'd donated to Planned Parenthood.
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This year's poster child for zero population growth.
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What holds your ears apart?
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I see your therapy's coming along just fine.
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What, was there no tractor pull on tonight?
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Every village has one.
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Is that your face or did you just catch a foul ball with your teeth?
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Two more legs and you could star in a western.
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This is my job. I don't criticize the way you mop floors when you're at work.
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I don't show up at your job and unplug the Slurpee machine.
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I'm sorry, I don't know how to deal with you, I'm an Umpire not a proctologist.
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