The All-Time Best Football Names Team
Love of Sports Correspondent
One of the responsibilities that come with having children is figuring out what they are going to be called.
Some parents either lack any creativity, or they love their own names so much they take the easy road and name their kids after themselves, ie. George Foreman.
Other parents feel obligated to ruin any shot their children may have at succeeding in having a normal life and give them names like the ones you are about to read below.
Enjoy!
The football list is where things get a little interesting. Omitted are such winners as Alabama's defensive dynamic duo of LB Alex Butt and DT Brandon Fanney. And you also won't find former Arkansas coach Houston Nutt recruits Casey Dick and Robert Johnson.
BEST NAMES IN FOOTBALL HISTORY
QB - Jim Bob Cooter, Tennessee University: Also had an uncle named Beaver.
QB - John C. Van Dam, Michigan State: Recruited for his rocket arm and killer roundhouse kick.
QB - Zach Asack, Duke: Say it out loud, you know you want to.
RB - Ray Ray McElrathbey, Clemson: Ray, a name so nice you gotta say it twice.
RB - Little John Flowers, New York Giants: Yeeeah!!! Whaaat!!! OooK!!!
WR - Taz Knockum, Mississippi: Solid.
WR - B.J. Johnson, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: One name = two penis references.
WR - De'Cody Fagg, Florida State: He absolutely loves the Antique Roadshow. Fellow Seminole teammate WR Craphonso Thorpe is an honorable mention selection here.
WR - George Shorthose, Kansas City Chiefs: His lack of speed wasn't the only reason he couldn't go deep.
OT - Joseph Joseph, Louisiana-Monroe: See Ray Ray McElrathbey above.
TE - Kyle Sackrider, Michigan State: Kyle WHAT!! What were his parents thinking?
K - Britt Barefoot, Southern Miss: Fitting.
DE - LeQuantum McDonald, Baylor: His sister, LaCalculus also attends Baylor.
DT - Tez Doolittle, Auburn: One of my personal favorites.
LB - Dick Butkus, Chicago: Hall of Fame name. One of the main reasons I wrote this list.
CB - Knowledge Timmons, Penn State: Majoring in LeQuantum Physics.
S - Harry Colon, Detroit Lions: Instant classic.
S - Atari Bigby, Green Bay Packers
Honorable Mention: Craphonso Thorpe, Mister Simpson, Early Doucet, Ladi Ajiboye, Jahre Cheeseman, Zaire Kitchen, Dusty Mangum, Mike Cox, Xxavier Carter, Digger Phelps, Xzavier Stewart, and let's not forget BenJarvus Green-Ellis (two names in four, beat that!).
BEST NAMES IN OTHER SPORTS
Dean Windass – Soccer: The list wouldn't be complete without one name referencing farting.
Danny Shittu - Soccer: Shittme? No! Shittu, pal.
Misty Hyman - Olympic Swimmer: If you're asking why, you didn't pass anatomy.
Irina Slutskya - Olympic Figure Skater: Really popular with the male crowd for some reason.
Ron Tugnutt - Hockey: The former goalie is only rivaled by another personal NHL favorite of mine, Haken Loob.
Assol Slivets - Olympic Skier: The female freestyle-skier married Danny Shittu in a beautiful ceremony last year. Top three names list contender.
TOP THREE ALL-TIME NAMES
3. I. Perfection Harris, CB, Georgia Tech: The I. stands for Immaculate. Look it up if you don't believe me. He's also got a brother named Supreme Justice. You can't make this up.
2. Dick Trickle, NASCAR: One of my all time faves.
And the #1 name in sports history is …. Drum Roll Please!!!!
1. Lucious Pusey, LB, Eastern Illinois: Lucious Pusey is like the Roger Federer and Tiger Woods of funny name lists. His name is the gold standard by which all other funny names should be measured against. Congratulations, sir!
Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.
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