FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: news.bbc.co.uk

SPORTS QUOTES

"I love you all - I've come to spread peace!''Sir Alex Ferguson comes over all Mahatma Gandhi in his last press conference before the Champions League final.

"Can I go?"Avram Grant's first question at his press conference. 'Yes', was the answer a week later.

"She's a nosey b****r, isn't she?!"Fergie cuts GMTV's Fiona Phillips down to size when she asks who was on the other end of his phone when it interrupted her vital questions about the Manchester United hotel.

"He's said to me half a dozen times, 'I played centre-half for the school you know'. I said: 'Yes, but not against Didier Drogba'."The United manager tries to curb Wayne Rooney's enthusiasm.

"It would be cool just to turn up and play Test cricket."Shane Warne strikes fear into the heart of Englishmen everywhere by hinting that he would prepare to make a comeback in next year's Ashes if required.

"I could murder a cup of tea."Doncaster boss Sean O'Driscoll looks forward to a drop of the hard stuff after seeing off Leeds in the play-off final.

"Thanks for giving me the best night of my life - but please don't tell my wife!"1999 Champions League hero Ole Gunnar Solskjaer reveals the sentence he hears most when meeting Manchester United fans.

"Kanu? He's about 47."Harry Redknapp when asked the age of FA Cup final winner Kanu, who claims to be 31.

"I might have to get my mum to bully him into starting me on Saturday."Bristol City midfielder Lee Johnson reveals his cunning plan to get dad Gary to pick him for the Championship play-off final. It didn't work.

You cannot be Serioux! "Welcome to the MLS, baby!"What FC Dallas star Adrian Serioux allegedly said to David Beckham after scything him down during LA Galaxy's 5-1 win.

"It's about the driver with the biggest balls who can get closest to the barriers."Lewis Hamilton reveals Viz character Buster Gonad (and his unfeasibly large testicles) would be an ideal candidate to win the Monaco Grand Prix.

"Referees in the Premier League as well as the Champions League come to see me before the matches to tell me 'today, we don't dive, eh?' I would love to reply 'I'm a footballer, not a swimmer', but I think they wouldn't listen."Didier Drogba before heading for an early bath in Moscow.

"I don't promise nothing, I don't promise nothing to my mum, I don't promise nothing to the supporters.''Ronaldo keeps everyone guessing about his future - but at least he can talk proper, innit?


AND SOME FROM YOU

"United are looking to make the Glazers double Glazers."Clive Tyldesley during the Champions League final, with the Manchester United owners looking to win the double. (Dan, England).

"Drogba is down for Chelsea and appears to be clutching his back. I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict he'll be fine in about two minutes."From ESPN Gamecast during the Champions League final. (John, USA).

Every cloud... "Well, well, well, some of you did get out of bed the wrong side this morning. Come on chaps, let's get things into perspective. When you find yourself getting a bit angry about tonight's match, take a deep breath and think to yourself: there but for the grace of God, I could be 73cm tall, live in Inner Mongolia and smoke 40 a day. Even worse, you could be Kerry Katona."A legendary quote from Ben Dirs on 606 in the build-up to the Champions League final. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).

"The curvaceousness was better than Dolly Parton!"Ray Hudson, GolTV commentator, on Wesley Sneijder's goal during the Real Madrid-Levante match. (Recliner Queens, USA).

"Josh Lewsey, with his first touch since the previous one."Miles Harrison commentating for Sky Sports on the Premiership semi-final between Wasps and Bath. (Piet, England).

"So Portsmouth have won the Cup, and I don't want to alarm you, but the last time that happened World War Two broke out."Gary Lineker on the Cup final. (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).

Setanta reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas were Motherwell better than you today?Gordon Strachan: "Mainly that big green one out there." (Frank, England).

"I don't really understand why Jason Koumas has not got lots of caps for England. He has certainly got the ability so it's a mystery to me."'Expert' analyst Paddy Crerand on MUTV. Might be because he plays for Wales, Paddy!! (Glyn Llewellyn, England).

England's secret weapon "And here comes Stringfellow in to bowl... er Sidebottom rather."Henry Blofeld on TMS during England-New Zealand. (Matt Jackson, England).

"He's much like the abominable snowman. Much spoken of but never actually seen."Archie MacPherson on elusive Rangers player Thomas Buffel. (Philip Craig, Scotland).

Eamonn Holmes: "Why are they building a statue of Gandhi instead of you in Leicester?"Gary Lineker: "They didn't have enough bronze for my ears."(Andrew Jones, England).

"And the umpire is showing as much interest in that appeal as I do in the Spice Girls."IPL commentator Damien Fleming on the umpire rejecting an lbw appeal. (Rahul, India).

"When it becomes a two-horse race it's a different kettle of fish..."Bristol City manager Gary Johnson mixes his metaphors with the aplomb of a skilled cocktail barman in the run-up to the Championship play-off final. (Drew Savage, England).

"This could still definitely go either way."David Pleat during extra-time in the Champions League final. (Alun, Swansea).

"And they will be the pies at next years Scottish cup final."Queen of the South chairman David Rae pointing to some cows on his farm during a TV interview ahead of the Scottish Cup final. (Fraser, Glasgow).

Who's the Daddy? "He's a big unit - and if he's Junior Agogo, I certainly wouldn't like to meet Senior Agogo."Fox Sports commentator Simon Hill during the Australia v Ghana match. (Daniel Dunkinson, Australia).

"I overheard the Russian guys talking earlier and frankly I couldn't understand a word they were saying. And quite rightly so, because I don't speak Russian."Lewis Moody, co-commentating on the Twickenham Sevens for the BBC. (Steff Harries, Wales).

"Gordon Strachan is staying at Celtic after a third straight SPL triumph and will be handed £20 to spend in the summer. (Daily Mirror)."BBC Gossip Column. (Hassan Hussain, UK).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK

"We would like to remind everyone that Tynecastle is a no-smoking stadium. We would also like to remind you that there are no cameras in the toilets or behind the burger stalls."Hearts stadium announcer. (Christopher Skene, Scotland).