FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: icing.org

Image: rottentomatoes.com

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CURLING HUMOR

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For those not that familiar with curling terms and slang

please see below curling lingo to help the curling novice

appreciate Men with Brooms, a movie about the sport pf

curling.

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CURLING TERMINOLOGY (humorous take on each term):

°A

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°B

° Beginner: The new curler who makes great shots with wrong turns and crappy deliveries.

° Biter: That one rock in the last end of a tied game that has been shot at and missed 6 times in a row.

° Blank: The look on a Skip's face when he/she flashes a hammer-shot past an open hit and gives up six.

° Blanked end: Nobody had draw weight.

° Bonspiel: An excuse to get together with a bunch of guys, drink some beer, curl a few ends, drink more beer, curl a few more ends, drink more beer, smoke cigars, drink more beer, ....

° Broom (Brush): Something for a Skip to lean on when he/she gets tired from yelling at the front end to "Hurry! Hard!" (See Off the Broom.)

° Broom Bag: An extra large carrying case that will hold 1 curling broom, 24 cans of beer, 1 bottle scotch, 1 large bag of ice cubes, 3 bags of pretzels and more.

° Bury: What you do with your head when you hog your rock in the eighth end.

° Button: The thing on which you put your tired butt, after you've swept 16 light rocks. (Also known as a bench).

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° C
° Chip: A short shot with a short back-swing in order to land the ball on the green .. oops .. wishing it were summer! (See Tee-line.)

° Curling: A game in which you slide rocks along a surface of ice. Rocks which you expect to curl will go straight, and rocks which you expect to go straight will curl. It's lots of fun and the outcome of the game is often left totally up to chance.

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° D
° Delivery: That beautiful, fully-balanced, rink-long slide with a controlled, smooth release that allows the shot to miss anyway.

° Double: What every losing curler wants to order when the opposition asks what he/she is drinking. (See Triple.)

° Draw: The best outcome of a game between a husband and a wife.

° Draw-master: The Skip you beat in your last game. He/she makes certain your next game is against the defending World Championship team which is playing its way out of your club.

° Draw weight: Damned if I know!

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° E
° Eight-foot: The space between the object rock and the Vice's shooter as he/she misses a takeout. (See Four-foot and Twelve-foot.)

° End: What the front end thinks a hard-swept game will never do.

° Extra end: The favourite(??) part of a game for Leads and Seconds, especially when it comes in the 3rd 10-end game of the day.

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° F
° Flip (Toss) of the coin: A very important part of the game. It determines the colour of the handles on the rocks upon which you will blame your poor shots.

°Four-foot: The space between the object rock and the Second's shooter as he/she misses a takeout. (See Eight-foot and Twelve-foot.)

° Free Guard Zone: The area of the ice where all shots that were too light end up.

° Freeze: What you do until you sweep the first 2 stones.

° Front End: The 2 players who make the Skip look good.

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° G
° Gallery: The 100's of people who witness your miss of a simple hit and stay for the win. Also, the 1 lone soul who witnesses your quadruple angle-raise takeout for 8.

° Guard: A shot that was supposed to take out an opponent's stone but came up short of the house. (See Hit.)

° Good Curling: Being healthy enough to be at the rink and able to participate. (Consider the alternatives.)

° Great Shot: Any time Lady Luck is on your side.

° Gripper: The guy who knows why every shot was a miss: "The ice was too wide! A straw caught the stone! There was frost on the ice!" .. Wait .. I thought you said "GRIPER"!

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° H
° Hack: A hopelessly untalented curler.

° Hammer: What you want to use on your Skip after he/she misses an open hit and gives up 6.

° Hard: The shot you are expected to make to save the end.

° Heavy: The rock that Bubba picks up and wipes on his sweater, in order to clean its running surface.

° Hit: A shot that was supposed to be a guard but was too heavy and knocked out a stone or 2 or 3. (See Guard.)

° Hog: The first guy to the buffet table at a curling banquet.

° Hog Line: The rest of the people at the buffet table at a curling banquet.

° House: A dwelling a curler owns and inhabits during summer months but only visits between bonspiels in winter.° Hurry: A way to make it to the washroom between shots.

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° I
° In-turn: When all players throw their rocks in the proper order. (See Out-turn.)

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° J
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° K
° Keen: The attitude of a curler in the first end until the opposition scores 6.

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° L
° Lead: Short for Leader .. truely, the most important member of the team.

° Losers: The most skilled players with the best excuses. (See Winners.)

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° M
° Measurement: The 3 fingers laid against the side of a tall glass to indicate how much rum you want in the glass.

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° N
° Negative ice: A skip's explanation for missing his/her shot by a mile.

° Nice try: What a kind Skip calls the shot that you missed.

° Narrow: Not wide. (See Wide.)

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° O
° Off the broom: The brief moments in a game when the Skip isn't leaning on his/her broom. (See Broom.)

° On the broom: Not wide! Not narrow! Just lucky!

° Outside, Inside, Pinched the broom! Expressions used by your Skip to say you missed the shot. The terms never imply that the broom was positioned wrong in the first place.

° Out-turn: When a team member throws one too many rocks. (See In-turn.)

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° P
° Pebble: That huge piece of something that snags under a rock to make it come to a sudden and untimely stop.° Pick: The reason given by the Skip for his/her stone coming up 12 feet short on a free draw.

° Q

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° R

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° Raise: The 100% increase in pay earned by an unpaid player after he/she makes a good shot.

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° Release: Remembering to let go of the rock, remembering to put on the correct turn, remembering to apply the correct weight, remembering you were supposed to be throwing the other colour, just as you let go of the rock.

° Rings: Gifts brought home to abandoned curling wives.

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° S
° Second: The amount of time between a button draw and a hack weight take-out.

° Sheets: What the East Coast curler suffers after 3 jugs of crummy draft beer.

° Shit shot: The shot nobody saw. It often has "parking lot" weight and, after unforeseen rubs and hits and rolls, leaves the team which was sitting 4 (buried) looking at its opposition counting 2.

° Shitty shot: According to your Skip, anything you miss. (See Tough shot.)

° Skip: The position that each member of the team thinks he/she is playing.

° Slider: A common expression heard 2 hours after the game, at one of the lounge tables, as in .. "That thar beer .. slider over here!"

° Stats: The record of the shots you made .. this number will rarely exceed 30%.

° Stone: That extremely heavy piece of granite that seems to slide and slide and slide and slide with very lttle effort.

° Sweep: Something a curler (except a Skip) will almost kill him/herself doing on ice, but wouldn't be caught dead doing at home.

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° T
° Take-out: The meal wolfed down between shots in the 3rd game of the day.

° Tap: The long handle the bar maid pulls to fill the jug.

° Tee-line: The place where you set up the ball before you .. oops .. thinking of summer again! (See Chip.)

° Tie-breaker: The game between the 2 teams tied for 5th place, scheduled at 6 AM, Sunday morning. (Players would have preferred winner to be declared on Saturday, by flip of a coin.)

° Toss (Flip) of the coin: A very important part of the game. It determines the colour of the handles on the rocks upon which you will blame your poor shots.

° Tough shot: According to your Skip, anything he/she misses. (See Shit shot.)

° Triple: A double, but even better, especially if you lost. (See Double.)

° Trophy: The prize given to a winning team. Usually, it will not fit inside a mini-van, takes 4 gloating grown-ups to carry it, takes up 3/4 of a photograph and has not been engraved for the past 12 years. Smaller varieties fill attics, garages and basements everywhere.

° Twelve-foot: The space between the object rock and the Skip's shooter as he/she misses a takeout. (See Four-foot and Eight-foot.)

° U

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° V
° Vice: What non-curlers say fanatic curlers have.

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° W
° Wide: Not Narrow. (See Narrow.)

° Winners: Those that Lady Luck liked the most. (See Losers.)

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° X
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° Y
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° Z