FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: findarticles.com

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DRAG RACING QUOTES

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"I love drag racing just as much as when I was coming up and Raymond Beadle, [Kenny] Bernstein, and Don "the Snake" Prudhomme were kicking everybody's butt. Someday somebody's gonna kick my butt, too. Maybe this is the year; maybe not." - John Force's preseason comments

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"Connie has five Ts he hates to spend money on: tires, testing, tubing, trucks, and trailers. The last time we bought a new car was in 1999." - Kalitta Racing crew chief Jim Oberhofer, on team owner Connie Kalitta

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"He knows how to win a championship. I'm not sure how he's going to feel about helping me win my first championship" - Whit Bazemore, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, on new teammate Gary Scelzi

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"Our goal is to be the biggest thorn on the side of every team out there. When we drive up to the starting line, we want them to say, Oh, no, not that knucklehead.' " - Funny Car racer Tim Wilkerson

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"I want to be something in this sport. I don't have a rich father or a Brinks truck or the right last name, so there's going to be a lot of grunt work getting there." - Winter-nationals winner and 2003 Lucas Oil Super Comp champion Jack Beckman

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"Racing kept him young. He loved racing, the people, and the competition. He was doing the valves until he was 86. How many people can say that?" - Former fuel racer Tom Hoover, on his father, George, who died Feb. 20 at age 97

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"My light in the final [.097] was pretty embarrassing, but I keep reminding myself that I'm the guy with the trophy." - Phoenix Stock champ Ken Passerby

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"I've always been convinced that this is a superior design, and now I've got the time ticket to prove it." - "Big Daddy" Don Garlits, after running 318.54 mph with his mono-strut Top Fuel dragster in Gainesville

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"Talk about getting an 800-pound gorilla off your back." - Byron Hines, after the Vance & Hines Screamin' Eagle Harley-Davidson qualified for the first time in Gainesville

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"I don't feel sorry for John. I can't feel sorry for a guy who has won 12 championships." - Tony Pedregon, after Force's first-round loss in Las Vegas

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"I figured Scott would be a pain in my ass in the final, and he was." - Pro Stock racer Kurt Johnson, after beating Scott Geoffrion in Houston

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"After the final, I told Angelle not to get too excited. I reminded her that I started last year with two wins, and that wasn't enough to win the championship." - Pro Stock Bike rider Craig Treble, after his final-round loss to Savoie in Houston

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"I got spoiled. After a while, you'd win and think, 'Another winner's circle? Man, they take so long.' Now, I just want to get back there." - Force, after a second-round loss in Houston dropped his record to 2-5

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"I've had crashes and fires, but this is easily the scariest thing I've ever been through." - Funny Car racer Ron Capps, after the throttle stuck on a qualifying run in Atlanta. Capps reached an estimated speed of 330 mph before he released the parachutes, then hit the fuel shutoff, causing the engine to go lean and explode

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"The carburetor business has been good to me." - Johnson, after winning the King Demon bonus event for the third time in his career. In 1994, he earned $25,000 for becoming the first member of the Holley 6-Second Pro Stock Club

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"Yes, the car is still for sale, but the price keeps going up." - Jeff Lane, after clinching the Super Stock championship in Las Vegas

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"That wasn't just a win; that was abuse." - Tony Schumacher, after qualifying No. 1 and setting low e.t. en route to a dominating Top Fuel victory in Chicago, his first race with crew chief Alan Johnson

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"Don't stand near me; I'm afraid a plane's gonna fall on me." - Force, after losing in the first round in Chicago, his fourth first-round loss in 10 races

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"Well, going north isn't working, so we're going south." - Frank Manzo, on changing directions with his tune-up prior to his Top Alcohol Funny Car victory in Columbus

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"It's like paper, scissors, rock: No matter what you bring, it might be wrong." - Sherman Adcock Jr., on all the start- and finish-line variables involved in Super-class racing.

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"We're not chasing John Force this year; we're chasing his puppet [Tony Pedregon], so it's the same thing." - Bazemore's mid-season comments

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"Cruz and Tony [Pedregon] and I keep track of our records against each other. If they say different, they're lying." - Frank Pedregon, on the rivalry between him and his brothers

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"I remember hearing a Safety Safari guy say they would have to cut off the wing struts to roll me over. I thought, 'Oh, man, not the wing struts. There is a lot of work in the wing struts.' I didn't realize that there was nothing back there to save." - Mark Niver, after his handcrafted A/Fuel Dragster was destroyed in a crash during qualifying in Sonoma

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"It's like looking back at your school days and realizing that the best teachers you had were the toughest ones. That's the way Bob [Glidden] has affected our team." - Pro Stock's Larry Morgan, after qualifying for his third straight race in Brainerd

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"This is the leg that kicked ass today." - Reggie Showers, as he raised one of his prosthetic racing legs over his head following his victory in the K&N Filters Pro Bike Klash

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"'Big Daddy' Don Garlits asked for my autograph in Indy this year. It was like he knew his time had passed and that he probably wouldn't be racing much anymore. It took everything I had in me to keep from crying right there on the spot. I couldn't even talk about it." - 2002 and 2003 Top Fuel champion Larry Dixon

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"I'd rather own a little country convenience store than be an assistant manager at a big-city supermarket. I don't fit in here." - Scotty Cannon, on his decision to leave Don Schumacher's Funny Car team

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"I know there are rumors floating around about my future, but after this, it will take a lot to get me away from this group of people; they're my family." - Tony Pedregon, on his racing future after clinching the Funny Car championship in Las Vegas

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"I feel very, very fortunate. It's great to be Greg Anderson right now." - Greg Anderson, on his amazing season

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"We've been on top before, and we know that every bird that flies has to land." - Kurt Johnson, after losing the final and the championship to Anderson in Las Vegas

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"If there were a chuck wagon in the other lane, it probably would have out-60-footed us this weekend." - Warren Johnson, after failing to qualify in Las Vegas

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"I guess Al finally got even with me." - Force, referring to former Funny Car rival Al Hofmann after cutting his hands on a crystal trophy that Force won upon beating Hofmann in a final

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"It's almost like I broke a mirror seven years ago last week; that's how quickly my luck has changed." - Super Stock racer Billy Leber, on his change of luck that ended with back-to-back national event wins in Chicago and Dallas

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"For the record, it's fuchsia, not pink. And I don't care what color it is; it hauls ass, and I don't want to give it back." - Treble, on the borrowed bike he rode to victory at the season's final two events

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"Cutting a light is like aiming a rifle: You need to get your breathing under control either exhale and hold it or inhale and hold it." - Automobile Club of Southern California NHRA Finals Super Comp winner Al Kenny