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SKIING HUMOR
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A Skier's Dictionary
From Dennis Fahringer
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Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
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Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
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Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
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Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
*Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs.
*Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
*Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
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Prejump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
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Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
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Ski! :
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
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Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
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Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?" Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
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Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
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Tree:
The other method.
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