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SPORTS QUOTES
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"My gluteus maximus is hurteus enormous."
- Tony Campbell, Minnesota Timberwolves forward, after falling hard on his hip (3-1-02)
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"I'm going to give 110% on every play. You can't give any more than that."
- University of Illinois quarterback Jimmy Johnson, on his approach to the game (4-1-04)
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"He should have been better, pitching on 3,195 days rest."
- Broadcaster Steve Blass on strike replacement player Jimmy Boudreau, out of pro baseball for almost nine years (4-1-04)
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"Our record may lead everyone to think that we are just a ridiculously sorry team, but we're not."
- Vincent Brown, New England Patriots linebacker, downplaying the team's 1-9 record (2-1-04)
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"There have been a plethora of guys to hit it up there, but that was the plethorest."
- Chuck Pool, Florida Marlins publicist, after Kevin Mitchell hit an upper-deck home run at Joe Robbie Stadium (12-1-03)
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"Sometimes, God gives you physical talent and takes away the brain."
- Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka, on the crowd-inciting antics of Green Bay Packers linebacker Tim Harris (10-1-03)
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"Your Holiness, I'm Joseph Medwick. I, too, used to be a Cardinal."
- Joseph "Ducky" Medwick, former outfielder with the St. Louis Cardinals, to the Pope during a visit to the Vatican with a group of servicemen during World War II (10-1-03)
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"The problem is, I don't know any exercises for their brains."
- Glen Sather, Edmonton Oilers coach, trying to correct his team's defensive flaws (9-1-03)
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"This is his first major league debut."
- Chicago Cubs broadcaster Steve Stone, talking about Giants pitcher Bill VanLandingham (8-1-03)
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"When you're my size in the pros, fear is a sign that you're not stupid."
- Jerry Levias, 5 foot - 9 inch, 177 pound kick returner (6-1-03)
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"I don't need a chest protector. I need a bra."
- Gus Triandos, former catcher for the Baltimore Orioles, playing in an Old-timers Game (4-1-03)
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"Throwing people out of a game is like learning to ride a bicycle - once you get the hang of it, it can be a lot of fun."
- Former American League umpire Ron Luciano (4-1-03)
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"If you think about it, you realize right away that athletic performance and sexual performance always go hand in hand."
- Sportswriter Maury Allen, explaining sex's role with athletes (2-1-03)
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"The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood."
- College football coach Lou Holtz (2-1-03)
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"I have two weapons - my legs, my arm and my brains."
- Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick (1-16-03)
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"Well sir, I grew up in Oklahoma and out there, once you start running, there ain't nothing to stop you."
- Pepper Martin, former major league baseball player, answering a question about how he learned to run so fast (1-16-03)
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"I asked the doctor before he closed the wound if he could put some brains in there."
- Outfielder Rex Hudler, after smacking into a wall while trying to snare a foul ball (12-1-02)
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"We figured if we shut them out, there's no way we can lose."
- Brett Wallerstedt, former Arizona State linebacker, after a 19-0 victory over Louisville (12-1-02)
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"One more thing, when Russians talk to you, or at least to me, they get really close to you. With some people you feel as if you are about to die because they have bad breath."
- Venus Williams from an online diary she kept for the Women's Tennis Association's Web site (11-1-02)
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"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
- Leo Durocher, Hall of Fame manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers (10-16-02)
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"I just try to concentrate on concentrating."
- Martina Navratilova in the October 20, 1986 edition of US magazine (10-16-02)
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"No. We don't cheat.. And even if we did, I'd never tell you. It's not that I don't trust you - it's all your readers I don't trust."
- Tommy Lasorda to a reporter in 1988 (10-1-02)
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"I had such a good year I didn't want to forget it."
- Dick Stuart, former Boston Red Sox first baseman, explaining to a policeman why he still had 1963 plates on his car in 1964 (10-1-02)
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"I called the doctor and he told me the contraptions were an hour apart."
- Mackey Sasser, telling how he knew his wife was in labor in 1988 while he was a catcher for the New York Mets (9-16-02)
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"If we're going to win the pennant, we've got to start thinking we're not as good as we think we are."
- Casey Stengel, referring to his 1953 New York Yankees team (9-16-02)
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"Listen, Alex, on a clear day I can see the sun, and that sucker is 93 million miles away."
- Former major league umpire Dick Stello, after being accused by Fort Worth manager Alex Grammas of the Texas League of not being able to see if a ball 250 feet away was fair or foul (8-16-02)
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"We have almost no controversy. I should get in a fistfight with Jack Nicklaus on the 18th green."
- Tom Watson talking about golf's modest TV ratings (8-1-02)
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"What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter? In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."
- Former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka on the media (8-1-02)
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"Retire to what? I'm a golfer and a fisherman. I've got no place to retire to."
- Julius Boros to a golf reporter (8-1-02)
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"We don't need that hooting and hollering."
- Bill Campbell, former president of the United States Golf Association, referring to Tiger Woods' sometimes exuberant fans (7-16-02)
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"Before, I couldn't make any important putts. Now I miss more than I did, but I also make more than I did."
- Mike Hulbert on making the switch to putting with just his right hand (7-1-02)
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"We used to pray the White Sox and the Cubs would merge so Chicago would have only one bad team."
- Tom Dreesen on growing up a baseball fan in Chicago (6-16-02)
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"Just remember the words of Patrick Henry - 'Kill me or let me live.'"
- Bill Peterson during his halftime pep talk (6-16-02)
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"That didn't bother me, but it did upset me when the principal said it was rather stupid class overall."
- Lou Holtz on placing 234th of 278 in his high school class (6-1-02)
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"I don't know what all the commotion down there is, but it somethin' to do with a fat lady."
- Dizzy Dean, St. Louis Browns announcer, as the Queen of the Netherlands was being seated (6-1-02)
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"You know that isn't really his hair. They found that hanging off some horse's butt."
- Jerry Glanville on the dreadlocks of San Francisco 49er tight end Jamie Williams (5-1-02)
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"He's a great player. He ceases to amaze me every day."
- Ray Perkins, Tampa Bay Bucs coach, on kicker Gary Anderson (5-1-02)
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"Julio Cesar Chavez speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
- Don King, Chavez's boxing promoter (5-1-02)
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"We should be allowed to wear shorts. God almighty, women are allowed to wear 'm [on the LGPA tour], and we've got better legs than they do."
- Greg Norman after a round in nearly 100-degree heat (4-16-02)
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"It was a little different. It was like playing inside."
- Steve Webber, University of Georgia baseball coach, after a game in the Louisiana Superdome (3-1-02)
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"Here's the man of the hour at this particular moment."
- Promoter Don King introducing victorious boxer Azumah Nelson (2-16-02)
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"I'd rather have something for around $300 from a sheep that fooled around a little."
- Basketball coach Chuck Daly, passing on a $1,300 virgin wool suit (2-16-02)
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"The world will end before there is another .400 hitter...I think that was mentioned in the Bible."
- Lenny Dykstra, Philadelphia Phillies outfielder (2-16-02)
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"He's one man who didn't let success get to his clothes."
- Mike Ditka on John Madden (2-1-02)
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"When George goes into a restaurant, he doesn't ask for a menu. He asks for an estimate."
- Lou Duva, on George Foreman (1-16-02)
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"I don't know about Mantle or DiMaggio. Were they as good as Ken Griffey, Jr.?"
- New York Yankee prospect Ruben Rivera, on being touted as the next Mickey Mantle or Joe DiMaggio (1-16-02)
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"When coaches don't want to talk, they say you don't understand. It's funny how fans and media understand wins. But everyone gets stupid with losses. Losing breeds stupidity."
- John Madden (1-16-02)
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"If God had an agent, the world wouldn't be built yet. It'd only be about Thursday."
- Jerry Reynolds, Sacramento Kings executive (1-1-02)
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"We're totally committed to defense. I'm not sure our defense is committed to defense, but the rest of our team is."
- Lou Holtz, then-Notre Dame head coach (1-1-02)
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"I don't want to be a hero. I don't want to be a star. It just works out that way."
- Reggie Jackson (12-1-01)
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"If he gets you in trouble, and you see three bald heads, aim at the middle one."
- Archie Moore's advice to James "Quick" Tillis before a boxing match against Ernie Shavers (12-1-01)
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"It's like a menu: they can look, but they can't afford it."
- Tennis glamour girl Anna Kournikova, about her male fans (11-16-01)
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"Hello everybody, and welcome to Two Rivers Stadium."
- San Francisco Giants play-by-play man Hank Greenwald, after he was asked to shorten his pre-game talk at Three Rivers Stadium (11-16-01)
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"Me - on instant replay."
- Derek Sanderson, when asked to name the best hockey player he ever saw (11-16-01)
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"Our consistency has been up and down all season."
- Boston Celtics center Robert Parish (11-1-01)
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"Sure the fight was fixed. I fixed it with my right hand."
- George Foreman (10-16-01)
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"They measured me when I was sitting down."
- 7'7" basketball player Manute Bol, explaining why his passport listed him at 5'2" (10-1-01)
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"I guess we shouldn't be patting them on the bottom anymore."
- Michael Jordan, on changing the relationship with NBA referees due to the addition of female officials (10-1-01)
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"Let me give you an idea how much money that is. By the time he gets a sign from his brain to scratch his groin, he's made $1,600."
- Jay Leno, on Ken Griffey, Jr.'s multi-million dollar contract (9-1-01)
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"I don't know - I only played there nine years."
- Former Dallas Cowboy Walt Garrison, when asked if coach Tom Landry ever smiled (9-1-01)
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"We were so poor, every Christmas Eve my old man would go outside and shoot his gun, then come in and tell us kids that Santa Claus had committed suicide."
- Boxer Jake LaMotta (9-1-01)
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"I never cease to amaze myself. I say that humbly."
- Boxing promoter Don King (8-16-01)
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"On the day of the race, a lot of people want you to sign something just before you get in the car so that they can say they got your last autograph."
- A.J. Foyt (8-16-01)
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"Wasn't watching."
- Broadcaster Phil Rizzuto, when asked what "ww" stood for in his score book following an at-bat (8-1-01)
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"He'll scream from the 60th row of bleachers that you missed a marginal call in the center of the interior line, and then won't be able to find his car in the parking lot."
- NFL referee Jim Tunney, on some football fans (8-1-01)
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"Well, if it's undisputed what's all the fighting about?"
- George Carlin on the heavyweight boxing championship (8-1-01)
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"We certainly played with a lot of intensity. The score was certainly no indication of the way Fisher High played."
- DoBee Plaisance, girls' basketball coach for St. Martin Episcopal, on the team's 72-0 win (7-1-01)
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"Buy one and send it to my mother. It's her fault I look like this."
- Don Zimmer, on looking like an old bulldog in a newspaper photo (7-1-01)
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"I am the best promoter in the world. And I say that humbly."
- Don King (7-1-01)
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"If it's your brain, you'll be fine. That's the smallest organ in your body."
- Charles Barkley to Chris Mullin, who had fainted (6-16-01)
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"Maybe the fan was trying to tell me I stink."
- Neal Morton, University of Michigan basketball sub, after a deodorant stick landed at his feet during a home game (6-1-01)
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"I ain't doing nothin' and I don't do it before noon."
- ex-NFL coach Bum Phillips (6-1-01)
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"What do you think I am, a geologist?"
- Former Florida State football coach Bill Peterson, asked if he thought rain would fall before a big game (5-16-01)
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"I left at halftime."
- Andre Agassi on his opinion of the musical "Les Miserables" (5-16-01)
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"What's the penalty for killing a photographer - one stroke or two?"
- Davis Love III, after his swing was affected by a camera going off (5-1-01)
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"He's the first guy to drive a $300,000 car with license plates he made himself."
- Jay Leno, after Mike Tyson bought four Bentley automobiles upon his release from prison (5-1-01)
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"Picture a barnyard full of pigs at the trough."
- Mike Brown, former Cincinnati Bengals general manager, describing agents (4-16-01)
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"If caring for a person is based on yelling and screaming, then he loves us very much."
- Terry Nelson, Cincinnati Bearcats forward, describing coach Bob Huggins (3-1-01)
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"You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know."
- Boxing trainer Lou Duva (2-1-01)
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"You know, when the World Cup is over, all these people will go home. Which means the only people bouncing balls off their head will be the Chicago Cubs outfielders."
- Jay Leno (1-1-01)
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"They didn't outplay us."
- University of Missouri linebacker Darryl Major after a 73-0 loss to Texas A&M (12-1-00)
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"I can happily say I made a 100-degree turn in my life."
- Boxer Hector "Macho" Camacho on returning to the ring (11-1-00)
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"We've got to find a way to win. I'm willing to start cheating."
- Former New England Patriots tight end Marv Cook on his team's 0-6 start (10-23-00)
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"Oh, I can't do that. That's my bad side."
- Yogi Berra, after a photographer asked him to look straight at the camera
(10-1-00)
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